In Love and Compassion

I whine, I complain, and I bitch about my life. When in reality, what do I really have to complain about? Yes, I went through many trials and tribulations this year. Yes, I have been royally screwed over in many different ways. Yes, I've questioned so many things about my life because of all the events. But as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. So here I am. I am ready to face the world, I am stronger, and I am more mature.

I guess part of the change has to do with my recent spiritual transformation. I have been attending Buddhist classes for the past couple of months, and they have given me many revelations. It all makes so much sense when I think about it. Yet, all of it seems so simple. I recently got another tattoo on my right inside forearm to remind me of the teachings that I have gained and will continue to gain. I think my relationship with many have changed because of this. Through adversity brings a closer bond. I think this rings especially true with my family. I think I have grown so much closer to my mom, my estranged dad, and my brother. I cherish them so much more than I have before. All of us have bonded in a way that could have only happened through adversity.

Friends also help. Friends who understand the predicaments that you face, and that know what is going on. Not those that are still growing, those that are still not mature to tell me how it is. I have the pleasure of knowing people that I can always go to for great advice. This doesn't mean that I dislike or disregard my friends that are supposedly immature or have not grown. Those that give me advice are elders to me and thus have more experience and know more. They tell me how reality is, rather than letting myself distorting it in a negative manner, and I thank them for that.

For once in my life, I think I am heading toward a new direction. Although I feel old in the state that I am in right now, I am ready. I am feeling optimistic for once in my life. Even though challenges will always block my way, I am willing to face them.

Revelations? Possibly

What can I say about life since my last post. I guess I could sum it up in a couple of words, emotional turbulence, epiphany, rejoice, reverie, sadness, anxiety, panic, among others. I guess that is more than a couple of words, but really, it needed to be said. All said and done, I believe that I am at a better stage in my life than I have been in the past couple of months. To describe the past couple of months for me would be somewhat of a cumbersome task. It has been the most difficult experiences that I have ever faced in my life. I have never been so emotionally, mentally, and physically drained in my life, and yet, I would face it all over again. These experiences have taught me much about life. Perhaps these well taught lessons were brought about by pain, but at least I have come to grow from them rather than be ignorant about them.

Life can be so unexpected. I find it hard to understand that whatever deity there is up there decided to throw all of this upon me in such a short span of time. Maybe that deity just wanted me to grow up. Well it worked, I feel at my most mature state than I have ever felt in my entire life. I have always felt more mature than anybody else in my year, but year reaches a new level. I am over the immaturity that comes with college life. I am ready for the real world. I am ready to face a new experience. I am ready to be on my own. I am ready to face the difficulties of life without being a dependent.

I know that my family will always be there for me, and they are what I am most grateful for in my life. People speak of broken families, and I am proud to say that I have a family that cares very much for me. This does not just include my immediate family such as my mom, dad, and brother, but my cousins, aunts and uncles, and of course my loving nephews. I love them all so dearly, and I would not trade them for anything in the world. I could not say much about my father's side of the family, but I know those in my mother's side will do anything for me in times of need or misery. I have grown to go to them in times of trouble, and I will do the same for my nephews. I will always love my nephews and take care of them as best to my abilities. I have watched them grow up and I am still watching them grow up, and to me, this is an amazing feat. These kids mean the world to me. I think it would be sufficient enough to say that if I did not have my family, I would not have my soul. I thank that deity out there for giving me such a wonderful gift of my family when others do not have the same pleasure.

Lastly, the question of love always hangs above my head. I am ready for a commitment but I just have not found the right person. I am constantly thinking about starting a family of my own once I am comfortable in my professional career. Maybe it is because all my cousins around me are settling down, or are already settled down. I hope to find somebody that is worth it for me. I have come to realize that the person that my heart yearned for is undeserving of my attention. He has not only broken my heart, but he has used me. Part of me seeks vengeance, but the other part thinks that there is no point in that. I have changed. I am more complacent in comparison to the way I was before, and I will not act upon my anger. Instead I will face this issue with rationale rather than emotion. He is not worth my time anymore. Secretly I do still harbor some feelings for him, but I am slowly letting go of them. Thankfully I am unable to return home to Torrance for the next couple of weeks, and I believe that not being able to see him will help me in my healing process. I deserve better, I know I could do better, and one day it will come to me. For now, maybe I should stop seeking and instead focus on what is more important in my life.

Right now, my two biggest priorities in life is finding a job and my academics. I have also had a creative flourishing as I have been writing music and I have been working on a feature length screenplay. I guess these act as distractions from my wandering mind. They offer solace in times of distress. Through my music and my screenplay I can let go of some of the problems that plague me everyday. I guess in conclusion I can not really complain. In a song that I have written, part of the lyrics goes like this:

These bitter ghosts of past and present reflections
They haunt me during nights of restlessness

I guess I should continue on with those lyrics by adding on:

But they have shaped me to be the better person that I am today

What a quandary....

I find myself a mess in someways. I find attachment a hard thing to get past. I was crushed, I was heartbroken, and now things are supposedly fixed, but really are they? My heart tells me to do something about it, yet my rational mind tells me to leave things the way that they are. We settled things and I was fine with the outcome. Really I was...But now I yearn. I feel like I am being teased.

What I want, will I get it? I like him so. His presence gives me butterflies in my stomach. When we hang out, it feels like time just flies by. I don't understand why I feel this way towards a person that has hurt me terribly, and yet I have forgiven him, because he is genuine. I have never been attracted to such a person. Maybe it is because he is torn just like I am. Maybe his fragility is something that I can relate to. Or maybe it is simply that our personalities and interests are very much the same. The one question I ask myself is this, what do I do about it? My heart aches everyday. I wait for his texts, I wait for his call. I wait for a response. I constantly check my cell phone like I'm obsessed. And maybe, just maybe, I am.

Stay rational Audrey...In the end, it will pay off. Don't act on emotion, it will lead you array.

Diving Down the Deep End

Is it just me or is everyday so monotonous? I feel as if there is no change in my life and nothing to look forward too. The tides are not changing, rather they are flowing at a very slow pace. I wish for something different, something to excite me, but it seems that nothing can. Is it my own apathy? Or is it the world that I have created giving me this extreme sense of boredom and uselessness? What to do...

I need an answer. I feel like everything has no purpose or sense. Everything I do in life, will it really make it a difference? Are my ambitions as strong as I believe it to be? Perhaps, or perhaps not. I want to figure this all out. I am trying my hardest to make my life more exciting, but it doesn't appear to be the case. Same shit, different day as they say. I feel like the protagonist in the movie Office Space. Done with everything, done with all of this, in search of something different and new.

There is one thing I want. Something I would like. Something that I want so badly. But wanting won't get me it. I need to search for answers. I thought I was over it, but perhaps I'm not. My heart yearns for more, but I lack the ability to get it. My heart won't stop. It cries for it. What has happened to me? My senses have crumbled, my sensibilities are no longer working properly. I know the correct answer, and yet, I don't want that. I want the other. The wrong. The one that would be rationally wrong to pursue.

I guess all I need to do now is graduate and find a job. But does it really get better? No....I already know that as fact.

A Dirge for Society and a Praise for Inner Beauty

The ultimate conclusion that I have come to realize of all my dissatisfaction is due to my materialistic approach to my life. My wants, my superficial qualities that I can't rid myself of. Alas, this is not ultimately my fault, so to speak. When the media and all around you tells you that you must want this and that to be happy, it is hard to ignore such a loud voice. These ideals are so ingrained in our head, that we can't fully see past it. A wall is thus built in front of us, that allows us to continually believe in such a manifestation that will ultimately lead to unhappiness. We are zombies in a sense, zombies to the media, zombies to the superficiality that we believe will make us happy. What we need is a sense of inner peace. The ability to be able to find inner happiness with ourselves as well as others, because in the end, isn't that what is ultimately going to create a better person within ourselves as well as eternal bliss? I vie for that. We can't help but swallow that which has been hammered down on us for our whole entire lives, and people can't help but do it to us, its' their jobs. They are just following the corporate order and the order that our society has thrust upon us.

I'm not saying do not look for that job, do not buy that purse, or do not get that car. Ultimately what I am trying to say is that, perhaps once, we should look inside ourselves to try to bring happiness from within as well as to the benefit of others. If we help others, doesn't that create a sense of euphoria within ourselves as well as the other person? We still require some materialism in our lives, especially in this modern age. Since we are now too attached to it, it is now too far for us to rid ourselves of it completely. But the problem with this modern age is that society as a whole is much too self centered and selfish to see past it, and see the benefits of inner tranquility as well as helping others. We become too focused on these goals that society has told us we need to accomplish, and thus we never think about what the mind really wants. Does the mind really want all of this? Our human bodies have not changed significantly since our cavemen past. In fact, our bodies are identical to that of the past. With all these changes in technology and modernity, arises more health problems that our bodies are not adapted too. This is why we need to think more about us on the inside. Why make life worse for ourselves?

So I pose this challenge. Look inside ourselves. What do we really want out of life? We can't completely destroy our innermost material desires, but at least we can regulate it. We can see past it somewhat if we really do try. So live your lives. Live it to the fullest, but remember that what society has defined as ultimate bliss and satisfaction may not necessarily be so. I am slowly coming to that realization. My mind was so ingrained in modernity and society as many others still are. Reach out to yourself and others, and maybe then, you can find that inner peace and tranquility that everyone as well as yourself desires.

What it is...

When you wish for something and want it so bad, it never works out. God teases you for a little bit and then he throws it down the drain.

That's how I feel my life is. That's how it's always going to be and it's never going to change.....

The Times, They be a Changing

Much has happened since my last post. I have come upon several grand epiphanies that will affect my life profoundly. Recent events have been quite dramatic to say the least. Some good, some of which have been bad, but in a sense, has created a better me. Or at least, my perception of a better me.

I have realized two vital things, one of which is that, those that you believe that you will have a lifetime relationship with is no longer plausible. People grow and mature in different directions once they have separated from each. Maturation is only achieved with those that you are with more. Those that you have experienced so much with. Those that understand you, and those that from the heart, will always be there for you no matter what. Those are the people that no matter what I do wrong, they will still stand up for me. They will fight for me, and I know deep down in my heart that they always will. These are the people that I am willing to fight for as well. The love that we have for each other is reciprocal. Those that have not matured in the same manner as me are now in a different path. They have different perspectives on life in comparison to me, and in the end, we will never agree. I have come to the conclusion, that no matter how hard I fight it, I have lost something with that group of people. No matter what, it will never be the same, and I will have to treat that group differently from the ones that really matter. I guess in the end my mother's advice was right all alone. I never wanted to believe her, but an elder's advice is always the best I suppose.

My second grand epiphany revolves around my family. I have never appreciated my family so much. They are my life line, they are my blood. If I could only choose one thing on this Earth to have left, I would choose them. This does not include my immediate family but this also includes my cousins and my aunts and uncles. I am specifically speaking about my mother's side. My family on my mother's side is very close with each other. We are almost like brothers and sisters. I appreciate them so much for being in my life and for loving me, and taking care of me. I know that they will always listen to me and give me advice when I need it, not to mention be there for me. I have never loved my family so much in my entire life. Not to mention, my nephews have also severely impacted the way I am. I have come to realize that I am happiest when I am around them, when I am playing with them. No matter what they do, they always bring a smile to my face. I enjoy that the most out of life, being able to make them laugh and have fun with them. To me, they are the sunshine in my heart. I know that sounds kind of cheesy, but they really are. I love those kids to death. Especially my little Ryan in Seattle. I almost cried when I had to leave him from my last visit. I could not help but stare at him. I enjoy his company way too much. I just want to watch him grow up, and be his best friend. Family in the end is my life, and my life is my family.

The other significant change in my life is in the realm of love, if you could call it that. I have recently met someone special to me. This person makes me happy. He treats me very well, and respects me. We share many of the same interests. Right now we are dating, but I hope that eventually it will be taken to a more serious level. I never thought that it could happen so fast, but I guess it can. This guy came out of nowhere, but now I really do like him so. We talk all the time even though it is somewhat of a long distance relationship. I hope for the best in this.

I guess life for once is treating me somewhat better. All of these truths and recent events have made me more aware of myself as a person and has changed me for the better. Although I have lost in some of this, in the end, I have gained in the long run.

As the weeks roll by

It has been awhile I must say. Much has happened within recent weeks, some good, some bad, but all in all, much is complex in my life as always.

I've been turning to my creative side for a sense of peace and serenity. I received a ukulele for my birthday in which some may think is a "stupid" instrument, but I quite frankly love it. I play it everyday. I find it a fun instrument that has a wonderful euphonious sound. I've also been getting back into my filmic roots by writing some scripts and directing a short with some friends of mine. We hope to shoot in the beginning of September. I guess I have not much to complain on this front, because this is what keeps me sane. But I must say that because I try to escape and diverge from reality, my schoolwork has been lacking. I realized this just recently, and decided that school of course should always take precedence over everything else. Perhaps I need a reality check and some form of motiviation for my education. I feel that it is somewhat lacking and perhaps not as meaningful to me as it used to be. I find everything else more stimulating but not my own education.

I have also pursued in interest in the religion of Buddhism. I guess I have never struck myself as being a very religious person, but I believe Buddhism to be a peaceful religion that can help me attain my self enlightenment. Perhaps an understanding of my own complex self. I consider Buddhism a philosophy of life as much as a religion, but perhaps that is the definition of religion. I am trying to use it to improve my personal life, my social life, as well as the troubles that I experience with my family. Maybe it can be useful for me to improve myself, those negative qualities that I would like to rid myself of. Budhism brings me a peace of mind. Whenever I attend class, I come out of it feeling like a different person, and yet when I return to the real world, all goes back to a normal stasis. I must practice I suppose and actually make use of the religion, but again, I have so much on my mind and much to do, that I find it hard to make time.

Love as always is a challenge in my life. I met a person but the paradox and complexities that is life started it off wonderfully and now has left me with nothing but time and a challenge. To pursue or not to pursue? I guess that is the question. People pose the question of "I could do better" but what do I really want? I guess the problem for me is better put in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in which the Jim Carrey character states that he falls in love with anyone who shows him the slightest bit of interest. Perhaps that is my problem. I lack the self esteem to build myself the confidence to push away when perhaps that person is not the right choice for me. And yet I feel I am at a state of desparation. I really would like someone in my life right now to just comfort me and hold me. Someone that doesn't necessarily have to fulfill all the requirements that people have for me, but somebody that I care for and is enough for me. This is what I feel about this person. We have similar tastes and could get along wonderfully. I know that he is interested in me and I the same. But the problem is communication. I guess only time will tell but for now my heart yearns for an answer. My frustrations are almost at a climax and I don't want to appear to be desparate, yet I feel that I am. Please don't do this to me, those dieites above that control my every movement. I know I do not deserve half of the things I have, but I ask for just one thing, and that is this. La amour, is something I have not experienced ever in my lifetime, and it may sound depressing and emo to say so, but for once, I would like to.

So sweet and bittersweet, perhaps la amour will appear before me one day, but only time can prove itself true.....

Progression Perhaps

I have not written in this in a very long time, or at least a long time for me. I have been ignoring it, but perhaps it is time for me to get back into blogging. Life is overwhelming still. The past few weeks have been very dramatic for me. I can't exactly explain it. It is as if every wall around me was crumbling down. I had a breakdown almost every week the past few weeks. I think I took too much out of myself. I was finally burning down. It all culminated in a huge crash. I need to stop doing too much at one time.

Things are looking better though. I had a wonderful weekend which allowed me to finally relax a little bit. This session is looking up. I have projects on my mind that are making me quite productive. I am taking only class that gives me much less stress. Last session was way too difficult for me to handle.

One problem exists though. The question of he. He who enamors me. He who is mysterious and yet I want to understand him. There are definitive barriers in the way, both distance and people. I want him so bad, but it is only just a crush. What do I do? Do I get to know him better? I never felt like this for a person. A person that is only a crush, a person that I don't even know that well. We've only hung out for a weekend. But there is something about him. Something that excites me. He is perfection, if perfection does exist. I want it so bad, but the more I desire, the more it will not happen. I guess I should lose hope, or maybe for once my desire will come true. I guess only time can tell. Let us hope for the best.

The Void

I find it hard to breath. I find it hard to enjoy myself although surrounded by those are beloved to me, I can't find a way to clear the void into my own enjoyment. I constantly think about that which has no answer, that which never can give me a simple and correct "yes or no." I like to dwell. Dwelling is a constant struggle for me as I dive deeper into my own cataclysmic end. Sometimes I wish all of it would end just instantaneously. Not in the manner of the otherly world, but in the sense that everything would be calm and peaceful. I never find the peace that I seek in my mind and I constantly only ponder the negative in my life. Is there any positivity in my existence to date? I know there is, and yet I don't see any of my accomplishments as evidence of my gifts to the world. I feel like I only take.

I wish I had the determinism that some people have. I wish I had a dream that I could follow through with. Everyone deals with the same problem, the feeling of being lost especially at a turning point in their lives. My own sad existences yearns to learn the meaning of it all right now, and that is impossible to find. It will come to me one day, but I am impatient. I seek the answers to all my ambiguities in one moment but find it hard to come across when my mind itself never can come upon one answer to anything that satisfies my hunger for knowledge.

I guess I just feel numb. Numb to everything. Numb to both the positive and the negative aspects of my life. I wake up every morning feeling like nothing. As if my spirit was non existent and that I myself am just a corpse, vacant, and robotic, doing the same programmed tasks every single day. Whats the difference between a Monday or any other day? Absolutely nothing. If you take a look at it as an instant, it all is the same. Is there a way to make me feel? A way to make me feel hopeful about the world and maybe hopeful about my future when everything appears so bleak. There are some times of excitement, some artifice of euphoria. Those are only superficial blinks in my life though. The smallest of blips in the world that is my life. I guess I just need to appreciate those moments. Maybe dwell upon a moment where I felt true happiness and not just one that was artificial, not one in which I was under the influence. Maybe just maybe, those moments in my life in which I treasure can give me the escape that I desire.

Just maybe.....

Should have, Could have, Cannnot....

Again, I am an idiot. Why did I not realize it sooner? I think I am lonely because all that are around me have somebody. All of my best friends have a significant other that they are serious with. This causes me to feel like a third wheel or at least left behind. Even though I am not necessarily left behind, it is as if I crave the attention that we had before. Perhaps it is a sense of jealously in a sheer friendship manner. I want my friends to be my friends and it is as if I am incapable of sharing. Perhaps my selfish ways have pervaded me in so many different ways and forms. I look at myself, how I was raised, and how my mom treats me. I certainly am spoiled. I do get the attention as if I was a single child, and maybe that created my own selfishness. I am not necessarily completely selfish. I do care for others as they care for me, and I still will do for others as they do for me. But maybe my jealously and selfishness lies in the attention I seek. Perhaps as a child I was neglected. I know at moments I feel that I had been.

It was hard for my mom, I know it. She had to raise two small children and her parents all by herself. Her independence inspires me to a degree. Her work ethic and her strength continues to astound me to this day. Maybe this is why I seek the attention that I never really had as a child. I still remember those painful memories. Those of the school yard, those that forever haunt my mind and become my nightmares, my fears. As I said before, rejection is my ultimate fear, and lack of attention somewhat feels like a rejection to me though it may not be the ultimate manifestation of rejection. It doesn't help that I never had a father figure in my life and my mother had too much to do to give us the amount of love and care that we needed as children. Is this why my brother and I turned out the way we did? So full of emotion, so attuned to our senses, and in a way weaker than we were meant to turn out to be. I put on a face, but I see it on my brother. I see his powerlessness, his weakness, his inability to fight against his nastiest memories, pains, and fears. I wish I could give him the strength to do so, yet I don't have it either.

I lacked the attention as a child and now I require it in insurmountable amounts. I get jealous, and I am selfish, but isn't everyone? My father was never here for me, and my mother never gave me affection. I think most of that explains it right there. I guess this is how it all is, whatever deity there is out there gives us certain strengths and weaknesses, and shapes us into the way we are. Whatever higher plan is for me, I hope it all works out in the end. I hope things are for the better, I'm tired of the current. I need a drastic change, and I need to adjust. I guess I just blame myself for everything, in the end, it is usually always my fault anyway. Stop.

An all too familiar feeling

I can't really explain how I feel except that all I know is that I feel that I am all alone in this desperate state of affairs. I feel so alone. My one fear feels like it has come true, the one thing that I attempt to avoid at all costs has finally hit me flat on in the face. It feels as if no one is ever there for me or bothers to even care, although I know they do. People do show their affections in different ways, perhaps it is there neglect that really does portray some sort of care for a person. They do not need to physically show it, but it is there. I am surrounded by a environment that thrives upon sociability and yet I cannot let myself bask in it. I lose myself. I am losing myself. I am losing myself from everyone.

My environment is causing my destruction. It seems that change has only offered me a turn for the worse rather than a euphoria that I was hoping for. I wished for a change, I wished for my happiness, and yet I never get it. I get splurges of energetic yet superficial happiness, and within seconds I fall back into despair. It never seems to end for me. What do I want? What do I feel? I feel so conflicted all the time and I continually still blame myself. I just need to get used to this. This lack of privacy, this change in environment. What do I do know? Change can be a good thing as people say, but I fear it the most. Perhaps all I need is time. Time heals but it can also destroy even more so.

All I know is one thing, despite the fact that I am surrounded by those that supposedly love and care for me, I have never felt so alone in my entire life......

A Cry

It is hard for me to imagine myself incapable of thought. My brain overpowers me so much almost always that I find it so overwhelming. What do I think of? Everything and anything. I critically analyze almost everything possible furthermore I live in a world of dreams. Imagination is quite a limitless possibly. I hope for things that I crave, and yet I never attain them. I guess that is the irony of life. When you desire, it takes. Sometimes I feel myself slipping. Slipping away from those that supposedly care about me. I like to be alone. Yet loneliness is my worst enemy. In my own times of darkness I think about my life. I think about my regrets, my critics, my friends, everything about my own life that I find worth complaining about. In addition to that, I think philosophically. I analyze situations and I ask why? I put answers in questions that there probably could never even be an answer.

What is the point of this then? I want to deny my self conscious. I want to rid myself of all that plagues me. A dear friend told me that I can mold myself. It is not just genetically gifted upon me. Yes, I am prone to certain conditions, but this probably seems more than obvious. I guess her point was that if I can convince myself then things can change into what I want myself to be. What I desire. Desire never seems to work my way, does it? Life never is easy and I understand that issue, but I genuinely work hard at making a difference in my own self conscious yet it has been a hard and bitter battle.

Let go Audrey. Just let go. Perhaps I need some sort of self convincing. I need to build the confidence to convince myself to change. Let go of my ways and let the good change me for the better. I always feel like I hate myself. That I blame myself for everything in my life that has went wrong. How is it my fault in the first place? Why must I take in all burdens and create my own sufferings that engulf my whole word? My world is a dark pit. It is incapable of even the slightest bit of light. I find it hard to breathe. I find it hard to sleep. I find it hard to give myself rest. Insomnia is my other worst enemy. I think so much at night that I find it hard to sleep. I'm tired. I'm tired all the time. It ruins me.

Maybe I just pity myself. Maybe. Just maybe I need to stop this. I should believe in myself. That in itself is a confidence booster. Belief can bring the best in everyone. Maybe only then will I realize that I can do what I desire and crave and perhaps positivity will thus follow. Here on out, think about it. Think positively, not everything is the epitome of negativity. I need someone to help me......

When fate sends you a clear message, and yet you choose to ignore it

I am a fucking idiot.

I usually try to be more eloquent on this blog, but really, this time, it serves me right to say it. I am such a fucking idiot, that I can't believe myself. Honestly, how daft could I be? Apparently too much for me to believe it.

If you read a couple of blogs below, I made a post about a certain person that I have been noticing. What are the chances that this certain someone is in Torrance at the same exact time that I am trying to watch a movie with my friends? Furthermore, I exchange some words with his friend and he is standing right next to him and I don't say a fucking word. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? I know he recognizes me from somewhere. I am positive of that.

Fate is telling me something, and I am so damn retarded for not taking the message. I need to grow some balls or something. Apparently I am frightened of something, but really what do I have to lose? Taking risks is the only way I'm going to get anywhere.

A reflection of self and an ode to those that matter

Lunacy is a term I like to describe my own cognition. I find it hard to be by myself. Loneliness often leads to pondering. Pondering often leads to self criticism, self doubt, self exploration, and the list goes on. Question of self often become a quandary in my mind. Perhaps I am a lunatic in a sense. My own identity of self becomes a problem. I analyze until my mind starts to get weary. Despite how tired my mind really is, it just continues on. Another vicious cycle in the paradox that is mine as well as everyone's lives. There is no purpose I tell myself. There is no clear solution. Life does not provide a simple yes or no answer for all of the complications that we face. Yet I find it hard to give up.

Existence seems futile if there is no answer. It is not even large philosophical questions that I plague my mind with. It is the simple questions that I ask myself to answer, and yet I give myself the most complex solutions. There are many different paths that I solve all my predicaments with. To me there is never a clear cut answer, but several. I make things more complicated than it really is, and it condemns my soul. Once I create these various paths it seems that I analyze it further and expand it more. My mind feels like a circuit board. Wires upon wires that never seem to end only connect further and cross with each other. Simplicity is a word that does not quite register in my mind.

Perhaps I need a distraction. A positive distraction for my wandering soul. My wandering mind that continues to dwell on those that need not be dwelled upon. I find that my friends offer a welcome distraction. I wish I could depend on them. Perhaps an mutual interdependency could be developed, but where would that lead me? Absolutely nowhere. I have come to realize how much I really do adore those that mean most to me in my life. I feel that my life would be absolutely meaningless without those in my life. My family. My sisters. My friends. Human existence has a symbiotic relationship, and I am no different. Perhaps sometimes I need it more. My own lunacy and emotional stability requires a support system that cannot be supported by myself.

The one thing that I fear the most out of life is loneliness. If I am all alone in the world and no one cares for me anymore, I would not want to live. Sometimes I do feel that way. As if the world and all that matter left me at that very momment. An overarching darkness with me in a dim spotlight, standing. Lonely. All alone. My mind my best friend and yet my arch enemy. My lunacy, my maniac, my death. All I ask is for compaionship. The littlest of recognition, and I know that I have that right now. I cannot be more grateful for those that surround me. Those that love me and would care for me until the day I die. Those that on my death bed, would still be there, holding me. Please don't leave me I ask. A simple nod, a simple gesture, a simple pleasure. All I crave is that. I wouldn't want anything in the world except for that.

My life, my soul, my body is nothing without those...Without those that have affected me in profound ways. Although I know that no one really reads this, here is my ode to you. For being in my life, I praise you. I praise those that bring me a life worth living for.

Woe the Ambiguities that Plague us all!

Back. Back to an existing reality that seems frozen in time and intangible. A sense of longing perhaps for a continued adventure, and yet exhaustion sets in when I think about it. My restless spirit yearns for more, a quest in the making. My soul cannot stay put in one place. It cannot be contained for I want more than I could possibly ask for. I crave. It is like an addiction. What do I want out of this? I want to be able to do so many all at once. I want to be able to accomplish everything that I could ever ask for.

My restlessness causes my unhappiness. My yearning for more just leads to dreaming and my dreaming leads to hope. Hope is a waste when it leads to absolutely nowhere. I am a dreamer at heart. A nonsensical one that dares to reach for the furthest possible object. One that cannot be ascertained, one that becomes utterly impossible when all rational logic is put upon it. I lack logic I suppose. My mind runs too fast for my own cognition to comprehend what it is saying. I guess I am irrational. I dream to soothe my pain. I dream to forget. I dream to believe that there is euphoria, but do I ever find it? No. Never. It never seems to come to me. It dulls me rather than excite me.

I just want to be able to feel. Apathy overwhelms me at all times. A corpse like feeling everyday of my life. I need to be reinvigorated. How though? I have everything that I could possibly ask for and I am grateful for that. But am I selfish in that I want more? Is that what could give me the energy I need to feel? Maybe the real problem is that I am unappreciative. I have been given the gift of many. Gifts that far many would want. I am in a very comfortable position and yet I seem incapable to feel something about it. Maybe I am just ungrateful. I am ungrateful and selfish. My desires outdo my own gratitude. I am an aggressive person to a degree and I desire the world. I know what I want out of life and that is to gain financial security, meaning, rich. I want to fight hard for that. At the same time, my humbleness gets in the way. My desire to change the world. My desire to do something that would complete my spirit. Does financial security really matter in the end?

I'm still not sure. It is a battle between the two. The money versus the philanthropy. I always question my future. I question it so much that it engulfs my mind most days. Why do I even do it? There is no way for me to find out, and yet I dwell on it. I am creating my own lunacy by doing so. I feel that I can control my future, but really who can? Why do I even try so hard to control it? Whatever deity out there can take it away as easily as given to me. This is why I work so hard at everything I do. This is why I try to surpass everyone else. I want to be given a secure future, but is it really worth it in the end? I'm not even sure of my path anymore. But I want to be. Ambiguity kills me and yet there is no way I can ever be sure. Stop. I need to stop caring. I need to stop wanting to know. Being ignorant perhaps is a good thing for me. As they say, curiosity killed the cat, and it would sure as hell kill me. Perhaps I should dwell upon what I have in the present. It never helps though...I always tell myself to not do things and yet I go back to doing it. It is a vicious circle that apparently never ends. I never listen to myself and yet I criticize myself for almost everything. What a debacle. I wish there was an easy solution, but then again, what would be the challenge? I wish I was a child again. No worries, no problems, no regrets. Ignorance truly is bliss. If I could, I would want to remain ignorant. Give me ignorance over knowledge. Maybe life would be more blissful and simple that way.

It was just one glance

It was nearing finals when everyone was frantic. We were all fighting for the same films to watch before our dreaded final just to make up for our lackluster attempts at conquering the class beforehand. It all boiled down to this, the final scramble. I saw you there. Immediately I took notice of you. I would not describe you as particularly gorgeous. I could not say you took my breath away, but there was something. An air of confidence perhaps, or maybe the way you presented yourself, but from then on, I knew. One thing is for sure, I would not describe your looks as revolting, but rather, cute and attractive in a very different kind of way. You introduced yourself, and I did the same. Jeff was your name. I wish I knew your last name. We were trying to watch the same film. You were chivalrous and said that I could watch it first. You gave me as smile. I was nervous. I gave a awkward smile back. Somehow I felt that there was a connection to be created. That was all it took.

I began to search for you in all of my classes. I always sat in the front and I scanned around the room just to get one glance at you. I realized that you were in two of them. Whenever I saw you walk up to the front of the lecture hall, I could not keep my eyes off of you. My heart stopped maybe for the briefest of moments. Then came the dreaded moment when I realized that the two classes were over. Maybe I would not see you any longer, that made my heart yearn. I thought that maybe fate would bring us to meet again on happenstance. Perhaps I would find you again.

Then came a new start, a new quarter, a new beginning. I used the same tactic. I scanned my classrooms just for one sign of your presence. I found it in two of them. I saw you, and again I held my breath. I knew I would always look for you, maybe this time I will be able to sit next to you. Every single lecture, I would turn around awkwardly just to get a simple glance at you. Then one day, I sat relatively close to you on the benches right outside of class. You were reading the newspaper, while I was cramming for our midterm. I looked at you and I put my head down. You looked at me and returned to your newspaper. I wanted to say something without feeling like an idiot, but what could I have done? I felt like an idiot and got up. I walked into the classroom full of shame. Fate seemed to be playing tricks on me again, for I could not summon up the bravery to even say one single word. A simple "hello" could have sufficed.

I missed my chance, but I was not going to allow it to happen again. In our class you actually sat close to me. One row behind me and very near my vicinity. You were talking to your friend. I heard your voice and it made me nervous. I did not know how to act. Fate brought us close to each other again. What was I supposed to do? Do I interject? Do I wait for the perfect moment to say something? Was there even going to be this magical moment? I tried to act as normal as possible. I tried to make myself appear cool and collected. I talked to my friend who sat next to me. Maybe he would notice this time and say something. Nothing ever did happen. I lost my chance again. My courage seems to go down the drain every single time that I know you are around.

What is an attraction anyway? Should I act upon it? I'll let fate decide one more time, only if it is kind enough to give me one more chance.

My Lack of Empathy and Absorption

I am a selfish person. Everyone to some degree is, but sometimes I feel as if I am more than others. I tend to think of everything for myself rather than focusing on what other people want. I do want to help out my friends as much as I can, but I find it rather hard to do so when I have my own projects to get done. Why don't I think about other people? They have just as much as me if not more, and yet I cannot give up my own time for them while they do it for me?

The real reason is that I do not understand the meaning of one important word: sacrifice. I know what the word means and the construction of the word in a practical manner, but do I really? I can sacrifice myself for others, but not at my own costs. It seems that most of the time when I do, it is because I start feeling guilty or that it becomes a necessity for me to save my own face. I guess it all really boils down to pride. I definitely have much of that, and I can't seem to shake off the excess of it.

It becomes rather difficult to change a person who has been brought up with the same old habits for the past two decades, and yet I might find the will in me to change. If I criticize myself for my bad habits, would it really make a difference?

A Paradigm of Jubilation

What a quandary it is to continue on with not an inkling of a motive or a hope for a future.

It is hard for me to keep myself up, to keep myself wanting something out of nothing. I tell myself to keep on wishing and perhaps one day it shall come true. But really, is this all life really has to offer? I have been granted many gifts in my lifetime, that I am willing to admit, but I feel that now of all times, I am in a desperate state of affairs. Whatever deity that exists out there, I feel like I am pleading. I am on my knees asking for a prayer, and yet none seems to ever be given to me. Is it my own fault? I consistently think it is. What am I doing wrong? I constantly analyze my motions, my expressions, my actions, my motives, and I try to change them but find it difficult to do so. My stubborn ways always win, and I am back to nothing.

Change. Change is the only thing that can ever make a difference. I tell myself to change, but it never really works. If my mind does not believe in it, how can my body act upon it? This higher deity loves to play tricks on me. The person who runs about one thousand thoughts per minute. That would be me. I am exhausted by my thoughts and I wish that it would stop, but yet I never give myself even a minutes worth of rest. What do I really want out of all of this? Something that I've been craving for so long and yet I have never had the opportunity to enjoy. A happiness. A pleasure. A spark. Something, anything. Something to make me care, something to make me happy. I want happiness is what I want in the end. Don't we all? Can't I get something as simple as that? Are my wants to large? I don't really think they are. In the end, I am more simple in my wants than I appear to be, and yet so complicated in many other ways.

I find myself wanting escape. An escape into the world out there and in more than one way, a journey to find myself. It sounds sort of cliche to say it, but I am an adventurer in the end, and I want to see the world. My spirit is awakening and calling out to the world, and yet I am inable to act upon it. I am trapped in my own little world, and frankly, it is getting quite claustrophobic. I crave the ability to just see everything that I want to see. I want to explore the vast cultures that are out there and to understand my own. I want a worldliness that not many people have. I do not want to be ignorant but remain as open and understanding as possible. I want to be able to live in the most remote location in the most primitive of settings. I want something that is bare to the bone, simple, to make me understand what it is really about. Gaining understanding may help me understand my own precarious situation. Maybe one day, I'll do it....I hope to do it and plan to do it. My soul craves something more out of this world, and yet I am unable to attain it.

Oh sweet rapture, when will you ever reach me?

Optimism Plenty

Oh Blogger, it has been quite long.

I really do not have much news since the last time we met. I guess it is pretty much official that I am foregoing my plans for going to law school. In the end, I decided that it really was not worth my time and effort for the outcome. Yes, I could be making lots of money, but really, it is not that important. I would also have to work extremely hard during law school to make lots of money.

I have decided that I want to go get a masters in film and if I decide to, continue on to get a PhD. I love film way too much for me to ignore it. I love studying it and analyzing it. This makes sense to my other interests too, because film studies often refers to historical and socio-political contexts from which it came from. This does mean I need to start studying for the GREs and applying to grad schools.

I am glad that I finally made up my mind on what I want to do, but at the same time, ambiguity still exists. I'm not sure where this will take me, but lets hope for the best.

Simple Things

It takes the smallest of things for you to realize the largest of epiphanies. I really appreciate the person who actually sat me down and talked to me about my issues and made me realize a variety of problems that I have never confronted before.

I need to appreciate the people that I can trust more. I am finally starting to see who are my true friends. Maybe it is about time I devote more time to those people rather than those who really should not even matter in my life.

Maybe things are starting to look up. Maybe I can learn to appreciate what I've never been able to appreciate before.

I guess all I need is time.

Just Another Drive Back Home

I had a random encounter on my way back home Thursday night. I was dropping off my roommate in Woodland Hills so that her boyfriend could pick her up. Her boyfriend ended up being about 30 minutes late because he got pulled over. I decided to drive around instead of just waiting there. My roommate insisted on me leaving her, but how could I leave a girl by herself at a gas station at 11:30 at night. That would be ridiculous. I could never do that.

We ended up in a donut shop. We grabbed a donut then I had to use the bathroom. There was a gas station next door so we walked over to it. As we were walking toward it, a car pulls up with a guy and a girl in the vehicle. The girl gets out of the car and runs into the gas station. I walk in right behind her. She runs up the attendant slips him something, which he slips her something in return, and then she runs back out into the car. I could have sworn that it was sort of drug or drug paraphernalia, but I decided not to say anything for the time being. I walked up to the cashier and asked if I could use the bathroom. He replied rudely with a, "Not for you!" And I was appalled, because he was a complete jerk. I was about to turn around and leave until my roommate butted in and said "How about we buy something?" He said, "Ok, then you can use the bathroom." I'm sure his rudeness had something to do with us walking in on his "drug deal."

We walk outside and I ask my roommate, "was there anything strange about that whole incident?" And she said no. So I told her about what I thought I saw, and she thinks it is strange how the girl just runs in there and then leaves after slipping the cashier something in her hand. So she starts freaking out, because both of us were witnesses to a drug deal. We both decide to leave asap because it was almost midnight by this point and that whole incident was freaky.

Truly a really random incident.

My How the Times Fly by....

I would just like to point out that I have made some form of progress since my last utterly depressing post. I am taking that first step that I need, and hopefully finding some piece of mind. Until then, I know the path will be rigorous, and it is something that I must deal with under my own terms. Let us hope that things do not go astray.

Onto a different tangent....I registered for spring quarter already. My last quarter before senior year....My classes are listed as follows:

Anthro 148A-Comparative Ethnicities
Film 101T-History of Television
Film 163-Women and Film

My one concern for spring quarter is the fact that I will be missing about a week and a half of school toward the end of the quarter because of my family trip to Peru. I am of course ridiculously excited about this trip, but I have not talked to my professors about missing class. I know that I should not have a problem with 101T because I have 4 other friends taking the class, and I am really close to the professor that teaches 163 who already said it should not be a problem. Hopefully it will work out and not completely screw up my gpa.

I also realized that after spring quarter, I only need 10 more classes to graduate....That is absolutely terrifying to me. This could potentially mean that I can finish a quarter or two earlier. I am definitely going to take the first session of summer school, but I'm not too sure about the second. If I do both, this also cuts down on my time at UCSB. I am considering finishing early and just spending the rest of my time at UCSB working and starting to study hardcore for the LSATs. I think it would be better this way just because I would save much money on tuition, and since I can't end my lease, I might as well stay and make money.

I cannot believe that I am going to graduate so soon......It scares me quite frankly. I am still unsure about my path in life, and knowing that it is a measly 10 classes after this year does not make it any better.....

Internal Strife and its' Misery

I really do not know what is wrong with me as of late. I let my emotions get too much out of me. I let my mind take over, and I let it over analyze everything way too easily. I can honestly say that it is easily affecting my performance in school lately as well as everything else. Even more so, I really do not know the root of it. I have a vague idea, but then again, it is ambiguous. Could the root be deeper than I imagine? Probably so. Many of my problems have deep roots that I have yet still to uncover. I have never been very open with much of them, and that is probably half of the struggle. I have anger issues, I have emotional issues, I have family issues, I have expression issues, I have social issues, I have relationships issues. Then again, who doesn't? Maybe I place far to emphasis on my problems than more people care to think. Maybe I'm just too OCD for my own good. I really do not know. My desire to solve it creates my madness.

I do know that I should find a cure for this before I drive myself insane. I've always considered seeing a therapist but never wanted to for fear of seeming "weak." But really, how is that weak? Maybe now is the time for me to take advantage of situation, and do so. In the long run it could be beneficial. I have a hard time expressing how I truly feel because I do not want other people to have sympathy for me or to see me as being weak. I hate showing my true emotions. Half of the time I'm either angry or too damn depressed deep inside, but on the outside, I'm the same as ever. Maybe thats why I let out small anger filled quips every once in awhile. Maybe thats why I can't control my expressions to other people and I end up seeming a little bit over the top.

I try so hard to control it, but I really can't. This ends up affecting my relationships with other people. I tend to be socially awkward in this respect. I desire respect from my peers, I crave it, and when I want it, I screw it up. It sounds like a classic scenario, and it truly does apply to me. Past situations made me this way, and I have this undeniable fear of being rejected. Rejection is the ultimate low for me, and I mean ultimate. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and yet I always feel that I will be because of how it backfires on me. I depend too much on others to be my support, and yet I don't feel like I give enough back for them to support me back. This has happened way too many times in my life for me to count, and I don't think that I could bear it to happen again.

What is wrong with me? I've been over the top, and I can't explain it. My mind is a struggle right now and I'm trying to keep it sane, but it is extraordinarily difficult with all that is going on.....

Twistin and a Turnin

Life has been rather hectic. I really do not know how to describe my emotions except that I have been feeling rather unemotional, empty, and god knows what else. Maybe the stresses of this quarter are already getting to me. I feel like being back in the sorority is a great thing, but at the same time, the constant events and the lack of free time is officially starting to slap me in the face. I have always hated winter quarter, and really this is of no difference. Even so early on, I feel like I'm going to fail all my classes. I probably won't, but I just have this knot in my stomach. As always, I am yet again over analyzing and stressing over life, existence, and everything in between. I like to stress about little things and build it up to big things, which is so unnecessary, but completely unavoidable in my mind.

I really do not know what to feel. If anything, I would think that my current state can be described as being a zombie. I am a mindless drone, without any form of indentifiable emotion, doing everything that I can, and hating it all at the same time. Honestly, all I want to do is sleep. If god had pity, he would put me in a coma right now. I would enjoy that. Maybe if I was in a coma for a month it would make up for my years of sleep deprivation. If only.

Lastly, Heath Ledger's passing is truly a tragedy. I saw him as a rising star with only greatness to come forth. What angers me more is the fact that after his death, people have the guts to trash him for one singular role. Ok, he was in Brokeback Mountain, and he played a gay cowboy. No need to bag him for that role. My specific example is John Gibson of Fox News. His ignorance is so infuriating. He pretty much slams Ledger as well as homosexuals everywhere, and yet Fox has the balls to still keep him talking. Gibson should be fired for his atrocious statements, or at least be told to shut the fuck up.

Down the Shithole....

I read this online today, and this is why the music industry is going down the shithole...I'm sure everyone knows that retarded song "Soulja Boy." The song in itself is the epitome of everything that is WRONG with the music industry and why it is heading into a continual spiral down the drain.

Apparently...Soulja Boy has become the largest digital single of all time!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!?!?! 3 million LEGAL downloads. What idiots want to download that piece of crap of a song? I could have pieced together a song way better than that in a manner of minutes. I hope Soulja Boy gets hit by a car. People like him should not be in the music industry.

Really though, I can't even blame Soulja Boy. He is just trying to make a living, granted, he is making millions off of a dumb song so I guess I can pin that onto him. I have to blame the mindless idiots who listen to this crap. First of all, do music listeners even have a mind now a days? They think something is catchy and then they listen to it repeatively because it is trendy. It is the "it" song of the moment. I went to a party during summer school at SB. I decided not to go in because the apartment was crowded, so I stood outside. As I was watching the crowds walk by, some idiot plays the stupid Soulja Boy song. A huge group of white kids, and I mean the whitest possible kids you can imagine, start doing the apparent "dance" to the song on the streets!! It was absolutely hilarious yet completely ridiculous at the same time. THESE are the people that make the music industry suck. THESE are the people that have no sense whatsoever.

Next time you listen to a song, pay attention to the lyrics. Pay attention to its' composition. Apparently most of America does not know how to.

The Revitalization

I'm back. I have not used blogger in god knows how long. I have been using xanga until quite recently. Xanga is officially over and done with, and after four years of using that, I think its about time I retired. These things do get boring after awhile, but until then, I will try to update as much as I can.

My life is boringly busy. I have a more than 12 hour schedule from Monday-Thursday, but thank god I have Friday to breath. I prefer life this way over doing absolutely nothing, but at the same time, it is rather stressful.

This year should be fun though. A very big traveling year for me. I hope to take full advantage of it.

Not much to say for now, but more to come later.