Should have, Could have, Cannnot....

Again, I am an idiot. Why did I not realize it sooner? I think I am lonely because all that are around me have somebody. All of my best friends have a significant other that they are serious with. This causes me to feel like a third wheel or at least left behind. Even though I am not necessarily left behind, it is as if I crave the attention that we had before. Perhaps it is a sense of jealously in a sheer friendship manner. I want my friends to be my friends and it is as if I am incapable of sharing. Perhaps my selfish ways have pervaded me in so many different ways and forms. I look at myself, how I was raised, and how my mom treats me. I certainly am spoiled. I do get the attention as if I was a single child, and maybe that created my own selfishness. I am not necessarily completely selfish. I do care for others as they care for me, and I still will do for others as they do for me. But maybe my jealously and selfishness lies in the attention I seek. Perhaps as a child I was neglected. I know at moments I feel that I had been.

It was hard for my mom, I know it. She had to raise two small children and her parents all by herself. Her independence inspires me to a degree. Her work ethic and her strength continues to astound me to this day. Maybe this is why I seek the attention that I never really had as a child. I still remember those painful memories. Those of the school yard, those that forever haunt my mind and become my nightmares, my fears. As I said before, rejection is my ultimate fear, and lack of attention somewhat feels like a rejection to me though it may not be the ultimate manifestation of rejection. It doesn't help that I never had a father figure in my life and my mother had too much to do to give us the amount of love and care that we needed as children. Is this why my brother and I turned out the way we did? So full of emotion, so attuned to our senses, and in a way weaker than we were meant to turn out to be. I put on a face, but I see it on my brother. I see his powerlessness, his weakness, his inability to fight against his nastiest memories, pains, and fears. I wish I could give him the strength to do so, yet I don't have it either.

I lacked the attention as a child and now I require it in insurmountable amounts. I get jealous, and I am selfish, but isn't everyone? My father was never here for me, and my mother never gave me affection. I think most of that explains it right there. I guess this is how it all is, whatever deity there is out there gives us certain strengths and weaknesses, and shapes us into the way we are. Whatever higher plan is for me, I hope it all works out in the end. I hope things are for the better, I'm tired of the current. I need a drastic change, and I need to adjust. I guess I just blame myself for everything, in the end, it is usually always my fault anyway. Stop.