Ripples

A feeling of restlessness... Perhaps created?? Perhaps intrinsic?? Everyday a dull hum in my continual cycle of monotony...

Understanding more and more what life is... Monotony after monotony... Cyclical and mundane... Maybe I'm becoming a Nihilist... Maybe I'm just a realist... Maybe this is what it is, and life is finally settling into what it is supposed to be. Somehow I doubt that though. Somehow I find it hard to swallow. When one emanates ambition and a willingness for success, one must somehow achieve said goal. Perhaps this is reality and I have been living in a dream all along. Perhaps...


Regardless, this I know for sure, a change is a necessity in order to cure myself from my so called cabin fever.

As the wheels churn...

My proclamation is simple and that is to work on me for me... I believe I stated this in my last post as I was losing track of what it is to be and how to truly define myself. I was putting myself in others when in reality I needed to control self. Truly I am a people person, and seemingly so, one of my biggest fears is being alone.

Alas I have been working on self as of late and trying not to focus on others. This in itself can be quite a task coming from me. New people are coming into my life and for that I am truly blessed. People that I can foresee a wonderful future with. Yet it makes me digress from my main objective on achieving my own personal goals.

I need to get out of the hole that I have currently placed myself in. I blame it on karma, on the universe, and everything else but myself when in reality, I have myself to blame as well. This is my time. Stop this sluggard approach and get on it.

A Cliche

I am first and foremost whole heartedly against cliches and silly sayings, but perhaps in this case, the phrase "everything happens for a reason" happens to ring true.

My life was not in the direction I wanted to go. As of now, it isn't either, but at least I am willing to progress and move on. I have a better understanding of self than I have ever known before. Well... At least how I believe it to be....

I know what path I should follow in order to create the happiness that I ultimately need/want for myself. All in all, bliss comes first when one is happy with oneself first. It may sound selfish, but how can one please others when one is not satisfied with self?

I am still scarred... I am still hurt... But more than ever, this scar has allowed me to move on and march forward. From now on, I drum to my own beat. Maybe then I will know what true happiness is and satisfaction of self. For now, I can only make the decisions that will lead me to that point.

Numb

If this is heart break then it could quite possibly be the worst feeling that I have ever encountered... It could have ended worse... It could have been better... But alas, I only feel the stabbing pain of it... I hope and wish for the best.. But that in itself is to be determined...

Torn

I am torn between what my heart tells me and what my logic tells me. Perhaps it isn't a question of mind over heart but simply a matter of what is the best for me and what isn't. Should I continue or should I stop? Will my continual addiction feed my eventual demise? Will I end up broken in the end?

Suffice to say, far too much has occurred and thus pain is inevitable, but hopefully it will scar less than how it shall feel. I know this much...

A halt

Often I would wonder about my consequences and my destiny... For the past couple of years I often complained about my tragedies... I believed that my tragedies always seemed to circumvent and over power my blessings. In reality, this would be the exact opposite effect. For, my blessings have created the strong person I am today. Circumstances may not have occurred the way I have imagined it which has ultimately me a more disgruntled person, but alas, what am I to do but to accept them from what they are. I am still alive, I am still breathing, my gifts far outweigh my shortcomings and yet here I am....

I am blessed. I am loved. I have been graced with more than I could possibly imagine. Perhaps it is selfish to wish for more. To wish for more in a different sense, but perhaps I have not reached my full capacity... Until then, I await....

Somehow I wonder

Sometimes I wonder what is my purpose... Am I finding my worth? Am I finding my calling? Am I on the right path?

It seems that bittersweet destiny likes to make a folly of me. For I question and I question, I try and I try, yet there is never an answer. Perhaps this is life, perhaps this is the cruel sweet truth of destiny. Perhaps I am in the wrong. Or maybe, it's as simple as it sounds.. It just is... Why even question??

It seems I am getting my priorities all tied up. What should be the most important has somehow fallen in place. This needs to be recuperated. This needs to be fixed. For I am my own worst enemy, and I alone am the only one that can change that.

Your presence, becomes a sense of solace in my delirium
An essence of ever calming nectar to my weary ridden soul

Exploring the Infinite Depths...

Ahh here I lie in a comatose state.... Exploring... Defining... Searching...

Looking through my inner soul, the darkest depths, the smallest crevices, and trying to find what lies hidden. A paradigm needs to be solved, a paradox waiting to be found. Soul searching could be the term... A quest to find myself could be the other... I shall continue this search from high to low, from the infinite to the beyond... I shall not waste any time...


Much is to be pondered... Much is to be wondered... Much is a quandary... Much is a riddle....

Will I succeed? Only time shall tell....

The Hunger

Funny how life works its' magic... I must admit, 2010, will be an interesting year. An interesting year indeed...

I must admit, I yearn, and I want. I want something that seems so unattainable, but yet I cannot stop thinking about it. I like to think of it as a hunger of sorts. The hunger of wanting something so badly yet you know your chances are slim to none.

I want this so bad I will do almost anything... Almost.....

Come good tidings, I await thee in this time of new ventures

Hello there blog, long time no see! I hope you are well, for I am ok, I could be better. Yet again, I shall not complain because "ok" is better than bad. I should be thankful for what has been given to me versus greedy for what I do not have that I want. Now I digress... The real point of this post is discuss the situation at hand. It is coming close, almost a year that I have graduated and boy is it strange going this long without any sort of proper academic schooling. I must admit, I imagined things to be a tid bit different... Who am I kidding.. I imagined it to be much different from the way it is right now.

Yet again, who am I to comment on the path that I have chosen.. It was made for me. It was designed for me. I can change it instantaneously with my choices, but then again, how would I ever know what is to happen next? I can't help the forces that create us, that manage us, that choose the life that we make of ourselves. One thing I know for a fact is that I am in a bump in my life to say the least. Most likely it is because I have placed too much of a higher expectation of myself. I am a dreamer, what can I say. I can't stop being a dreamer. My overactive imagination has created these goals and impressions of myself that I currently cannot fulfill. Or perhaps that is my belief that I cannot fulfill said goal?? I do not know. One thing is for sure, I do lack the motivation to do so. I find it so hard to gather the strength to do anything that could further my career anymore. It is almost as if I have given up and I accept my position in life. I am stuck in my rut, and apparently there is nothing I could do about it.

I know these beliefs are all false. There is plenty I can do. The question is, how do I change this viewpoint of myself? My persona has lost it's will. I have almost lost my will to fight being stuck in this gaping rut for so long. I'm trapped in my own prison, my mind, my environment, and everything in between. Perhaps I just got to start worrying about myself... They say worry brings about action. I have been rather stressed lately about this issue. It obviously isn't a good feeling to always be worried, anxious, and stressed about your life.

Maybe it's because I aim too high in my life. Too high for the current economy, the current times, the current state I am. Maybe my dreams are just way too unrealistic for the time being. This is also a plausibility. I am not saying that I should abandon my dreams and give up all hope, but just take it one step at a time to finally achieve what I've always dreamed for. I'm not going to get a free hand-out and get everything I want with a snap of a finger. The sooner I realize this, the sooner I'll be better... Baby steps... That's all it takes... And now for step 1....