In Love and Compassion

I whine, I complain, and I bitch about my life. When in reality, what do I really have to complain about? Yes, I went through many trials and tribulations this year. Yes, I have been royally screwed over in many different ways. Yes, I've questioned so many things about my life because of all the events. But as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. So here I am. I am ready to face the world, I am stronger, and I am more mature.

I guess part of the change has to do with my recent spiritual transformation. I have been attending Buddhist classes for the past couple of months, and they have given me many revelations. It all makes so much sense when I think about it. Yet, all of it seems so simple. I recently got another tattoo on my right inside forearm to remind me of the teachings that I have gained and will continue to gain. I think my relationship with many have changed because of this. Through adversity brings a closer bond. I think this rings especially true with my family. I think I have grown so much closer to my mom, my estranged dad, and my brother. I cherish them so much more than I have before. All of us have bonded in a way that could have only happened through adversity.

Friends also help. Friends who understand the predicaments that you face, and that know what is going on. Not those that are still growing, those that are still not mature to tell me how it is. I have the pleasure of knowing people that I can always go to for great advice. This doesn't mean that I dislike or disregard my friends that are supposedly immature or have not grown. Those that give me advice are elders to me and thus have more experience and know more. They tell me how reality is, rather than letting myself distorting it in a negative manner, and I thank them for that.

For once in my life, I think I am heading toward a new direction. Although I feel old in the state that I am in right now, I am ready. I am feeling optimistic for once in my life. Even though challenges will always block my way, I am willing to face them.

Revelations? Possibly

What can I say about life since my last post. I guess I could sum it up in a couple of words, emotional turbulence, epiphany, rejoice, reverie, sadness, anxiety, panic, among others. I guess that is more than a couple of words, but really, it needed to be said. All said and done, I believe that I am at a better stage in my life than I have been in the past couple of months. To describe the past couple of months for me would be somewhat of a cumbersome task. It has been the most difficult experiences that I have ever faced in my life. I have never been so emotionally, mentally, and physically drained in my life, and yet, I would face it all over again. These experiences have taught me much about life. Perhaps these well taught lessons were brought about by pain, but at least I have come to grow from them rather than be ignorant about them.

Life can be so unexpected. I find it hard to understand that whatever deity there is up there decided to throw all of this upon me in such a short span of time. Maybe that deity just wanted me to grow up. Well it worked, I feel at my most mature state than I have ever felt in my entire life. I have always felt more mature than anybody else in my year, but year reaches a new level. I am over the immaturity that comes with college life. I am ready for the real world. I am ready to face a new experience. I am ready to be on my own. I am ready to face the difficulties of life without being a dependent.

I know that my family will always be there for me, and they are what I am most grateful for in my life. People speak of broken families, and I am proud to say that I have a family that cares very much for me. This does not just include my immediate family such as my mom, dad, and brother, but my cousins, aunts and uncles, and of course my loving nephews. I love them all so dearly, and I would not trade them for anything in the world. I could not say much about my father's side of the family, but I know those in my mother's side will do anything for me in times of need or misery. I have grown to go to them in times of trouble, and I will do the same for my nephews. I will always love my nephews and take care of them as best to my abilities. I have watched them grow up and I am still watching them grow up, and to me, this is an amazing feat. These kids mean the world to me. I think it would be sufficient enough to say that if I did not have my family, I would not have my soul. I thank that deity out there for giving me such a wonderful gift of my family when others do not have the same pleasure.

Lastly, the question of love always hangs above my head. I am ready for a commitment but I just have not found the right person. I am constantly thinking about starting a family of my own once I am comfortable in my professional career. Maybe it is because all my cousins around me are settling down, or are already settled down. I hope to find somebody that is worth it for me. I have come to realize that the person that my heart yearned for is undeserving of my attention. He has not only broken my heart, but he has used me. Part of me seeks vengeance, but the other part thinks that there is no point in that. I have changed. I am more complacent in comparison to the way I was before, and I will not act upon my anger. Instead I will face this issue with rationale rather than emotion. He is not worth my time anymore. Secretly I do still harbor some feelings for him, but I am slowly letting go of them. Thankfully I am unable to return home to Torrance for the next couple of weeks, and I believe that not being able to see him will help me in my healing process. I deserve better, I know I could do better, and one day it will come to me. For now, maybe I should stop seeking and instead focus on what is more important in my life.

Right now, my two biggest priorities in life is finding a job and my academics. I have also had a creative flourishing as I have been writing music and I have been working on a feature length screenplay. I guess these act as distractions from my wandering mind. They offer solace in times of distress. Through my music and my screenplay I can let go of some of the problems that plague me everyday. I guess in conclusion I can not really complain. In a song that I have written, part of the lyrics goes like this:

These bitter ghosts of past and present reflections
They haunt me during nights of restlessness

I guess I should continue on with those lyrics by adding on:

But they have shaped me to be the better person that I am today