Forsaken!! Oh Forsaken!!

I was told about the confusion, the dilemma, so to speak, when you're out of school. You're clueless, what do you do? Your whole life was simple, now it's just so complicated, a paradigm if you will. Well, I believed it. I was told what would happen, but I was just unsure of what exactly would happen to me. Every experience is different as one would say, but what am I to expect? They throw you out with nothing. No one. Nothing, silence, ambiguity. I sit. I wait. I take the little that I have learned and try to apply it to my environment, and alas, I am unsuccessful.

Ahh to be taken back to those days. Those days when everything was almost automatic, a robotic sort of way. Serene. Uncomplicated. Simple. My path was clear and it was straight. Someone was always holding my hand, and guiding me to my destination. Now they have let go. I am on my own. My own wake within the fold. Still I stand, just staring. All these questions I have. All these complexities that I ask myself. I thought I knew, but doesn't everyone? So many different roads for me to take, so to speak, yet none offer one clear path. I sit down, shaking. Unable to commit, unable to make a decision. I question which is the right path, but is there even one?

My mind, a paradox, my feelings, are often in disarray. So I contemplate, and I contemplate some more. It does a body good so to speak or does it leave it lost in the woods. My commitment lacks. My disappointment in myself grows. Why can't I set myself on the right path? Why can't I push myself as much as I did before? Perhaps I've lost my fire. Perhaps I've lost my faith. Perhaps, just perhaps, I'm asking for guidance. Though none is apparent. Maybe, just maybe, I need to find this one on my own...

A favor perhaps?

I need a life.

Can someone give me one?


The end.

N/A

It's a strange incessant feeling. One that doesn't seem to make any sense. It ticks away at me like a clock, always working its' way out. How can I stop it? No I do not know. I know how to make it feel better, but the more I think about it, I push myself away. I am straying myself away from sanity. I am falling deeper and deeper into a hole. I would like to seek the help of others. Yet I cannot bring myself to do so. I desire to make things better, to have it make sense again. But what do I do but screw it up. Only to worsen it more than ever. I have let so many down. So many of those the peers that I respect the most. I cannot even bring myself to say a simple "sorry." An apology straight from the heart. I might be a monster, I might be inconsiderate. In the end, we're all human aren't we? Our fallacies are just another trait that makes us what we are. This is so ambiguous that it beats me down so. I wish I could muster up the courage to do what my heart tells me so. Alas, I am a coward, and forever a coward I shall remain.

The Ambiguity of it all

I guess I haven't posted in a bit, at least for me. I've had an interesting time in the past few months. As school winded down, I dealt with a little bit of a love interest, some drama, and just worry for my life as a post grad. I guess as it all culminated, my confidence took the best of me, and I didn't feel that finding a job would be that difficult for me. Well, my confidence is slapping me in the face, and I, well I, truly do deserve it.

Exploring the Downward Spiral

This does not just apply to me, but to everyone, especially the people graduating this year like me. It sucks...Truly it does. We're graduating in one of the worst years possible. How are we to find a job in an economic situation like this? I know that I've already had a rough time. I'm done in about a month and a half and I'm scared already. If only I had graduated a year earlier, or two, I would be in a mess, but not so much of a mess. I have already applied to some positions in some large tv/film corporations, but so far, no responses, except for one which automatically rejected me. My first job rejection. I guess you can count that as a momentous occasion for me. At least in the most despondent of ways. What do I expect though? Everyone is cutting back on jobs and hours. Everyone is scared. It's not even our country either. Everyone is suffering around the world. The corporate pigs that feed off of us are only getting richer, while the lower classes just suffer more. Degrees do not even matter anymore. What's the point? Everyone is fighting for position A because they need the money, and everyone has the same amount of experience as well as education as everyone else. Position A will be filled by Joe Schmo from god knows where, and you'll be left there with nothing. Keep searching I suppose. Giving up is never an option, especially when your futue depends on it.

I on the other hand, would really like to do the peace corps. Unfortunately I know that since many people are feeling the beating hands of the economy, they are going to try to do the same thing as me. My reason for wanting to do the peace corps is not because of the financial crises that we are currently facing, rather, it is for my own improvement and my dedication to doing something better for this world. I would love to work in Africa. Africa is such a beautiful place with wonderful people and blossoming cultures. I have never been there, but I study Africa and I am so infatuated with it. My dream would be to live with a tribe for a year or two, study them, and make a documentary. Let's hope. The peace corp application is quite ridiculous though. I still need about one and a half to two years of experience. Once submitted, the application goes through another six to nine month process and then you find out. This means, it could be up to three years or three and a half. I think it would be worth it. Perhaps I'll find a job (if I can even get any) and do the work I need to do while at that job.

I feel sorry for Obama. Sorry for any president at this moment in time. We place high hopes on him. We would have placed high hopes on anyone that is elected. Yet, if he does not fulfill that, it will all go down. This idea is stupid to me. How could one place so much hope in one man when it is impossible for one man to accomplish the paradigm of our generation? The worst economic slump in decades. What is he to do? As an icon for our country, he is the one that suffers the most. He is the one that is blamed for everything. I am not saying that I dislike Obama or anything for that matter. I place my hope in him as well, but I cannot say that I believe that he can be the miracle worker that he so claims as well as the rest of the believers. It will not magically disappear, rather it will take years of hard work, dedication, and somebody who has many ideas to fix our current conundrum.

The question is. Who has the great idea? The stimulus to fix us. I know I'm not the one, but it would be nice to be known as the savior.

And yet it always returns...

This ideology of faith in humanity no longer exists in my world. What is this idea of what is humane anyway? I'm tired of many things. I don't know how to go about anything anymore. Perhaps this idea of going into the real world is finally scaring me.

The Year of Change, I hope

This past year has sort of been a landslide for me. It has had its' ups and downs. More of a wave if anything, but with extremes rather than anything that is in between. This past year was one of the most challenging years that I have ever had to face, and yet I was able to get through it. That says much about how much I have changed. Maybe in positive ways, maybe in negative, but I have some optimism, and I like to think positive. My perspective is so much different than what it used to be, and I am so grateful for that.

The biggest thing that I am grateful for is my family. I am and will continue to be extremely close to my family. Due to the fact that this past year was a complete and utter challenge for me, I came to them for help. They are always here for me, and for that, I will always love them. It isn't just my immediate family either, it is my cousins, my aunts, and my uncles. The only thing that I wish is that I could have the same sort of bond with my family on my father's side. I guess it is a little bit hard considering that they live all over the place. I have become more and more close to my mother. She even agrees as well. She told me that becoming Buddhist has changed me for the better, and I would have to agree with her on that. Hell, I even got a tattoo on my forearm to remind me of the challenges that I faced and how I overcame them.

On the other hand, I feel that I am becoming more and more of a recluse. I do not feel the urge to hang out with my friends that I normally hang out with, and yet, I feel guilty at the same time. This is my last opportunity to be able to act like a college student and just have fun without all the responsibility of an "adult." Yet I have not been able to take advantage of it. Instead, I sit at home, all by myself, and attempt to entertain myself through immersion in a fake world of movies and television. Why do I do this? I want to hang out with these people, and yet something is holding me back. I'm not quite sure what it is. Maybe I should just force myself. Maybe I should give myself an excuse to go hang out with them. But this is a reciprocal relationship. They have not made the effort to contact me, so why even bother? I could be the bigger person though and attempt. My friendships with these people as well as the people back home have been questioned through trials and tribulations this past year. Maybe we are just in different points in our life that it is hard for me to associate with them anymore. I need to find someone that is different. Someone that I can feel comfortable with and that is at the same level that I am.

In addition to all of this, this new year has brought upon me new anxieties that I must cope with. A job. Finding a job in this economic crises has become a difficult task. I am trying my best to find one, and yet I find myself more depressed by the day about it. A good friend of mine warned me that when you are getting close to graduating or when you graduate you go through a depressive state because you don't know what to do. I wouldn't say that I didn't know what to do, in fact, I know exactly what I want to do, but how do I get up there? I guess I need to climb the corporate ladder, or in this case the hollywood/entertainment ladder. How do I go about this? I know I start from the bottom, but what jobs do I take? Maybe I should move somewhere else and start fresh. Yet, I know that it could be a incredibly difficult task given that I will be a poor college student when I graduate. I guess I just want to know my future, but again, this ambiguity is driving me crazy.