And yet it always returns...

This ideology of faith in humanity no longer exists in my world. What is this idea of what is humane anyway? I'm tired of many things. I don't know how to go about anything anymore. Perhaps this idea of going into the real world is finally scaring me.

The Year of Change, I hope

This past year has sort of been a landslide for me. It has had its' ups and downs. More of a wave if anything, but with extremes rather than anything that is in between. This past year was one of the most challenging years that I have ever had to face, and yet I was able to get through it. That says much about how much I have changed. Maybe in positive ways, maybe in negative, but I have some optimism, and I like to think positive. My perspective is so much different than what it used to be, and I am so grateful for that.

The biggest thing that I am grateful for is my family. I am and will continue to be extremely close to my family. Due to the fact that this past year was a complete and utter challenge for me, I came to them for help. They are always here for me, and for that, I will always love them. It isn't just my immediate family either, it is my cousins, my aunts, and my uncles. The only thing that I wish is that I could have the same sort of bond with my family on my father's side. I guess it is a little bit hard considering that they live all over the place. I have become more and more close to my mother. She even agrees as well. She told me that becoming Buddhist has changed me for the better, and I would have to agree with her on that. Hell, I even got a tattoo on my forearm to remind me of the challenges that I faced and how I overcame them.

On the other hand, I feel that I am becoming more and more of a recluse. I do not feel the urge to hang out with my friends that I normally hang out with, and yet, I feel guilty at the same time. This is my last opportunity to be able to act like a college student and just have fun without all the responsibility of an "adult." Yet I have not been able to take advantage of it. Instead, I sit at home, all by myself, and attempt to entertain myself through immersion in a fake world of movies and television. Why do I do this? I want to hang out with these people, and yet something is holding me back. I'm not quite sure what it is. Maybe I should just force myself. Maybe I should give myself an excuse to go hang out with them. But this is a reciprocal relationship. They have not made the effort to contact me, so why even bother? I could be the bigger person though and attempt. My friendships with these people as well as the people back home have been questioned through trials and tribulations this past year. Maybe we are just in different points in our life that it is hard for me to associate with them anymore. I need to find someone that is different. Someone that I can feel comfortable with and that is at the same level that I am.

In addition to all of this, this new year has brought upon me new anxieties that I must cope with. A job. Finding a job in this economic crises has become a difficult task. I am trying my best to find one, and yet I find myself more depressed by the day about it. A good friend of mine warned me that when you are getting close to graduating or when you graduate you go through a depressive state because you don't know what to do. I wouldn't say that I didn't know what to do, in fact, I know exactly what I want to do, but how do I get up there? I guess I need to climb the corporate ladder, or in this case the hollywood/entertainment ladder. How do I go about this? I know I start from the bottom, but what jobs do I take? Maybe I should move somewhere else and start fresh. Yet, I know that it could be a incredibly difficult task given that I will be a poor college student when I graduate. I guess I just want to know my future, but again, this ambiguity is driving me crazy.