New Years?

Blogger world... I have ignored you far too long and have thus decided to at least post something... Really though, it doesn't matter. No one reads this anyway. I'm not popular nor am I interesting, therefore this has become an online journal of sorts for me. I guess that's what a blogger is?

So 2011... I guess it's been a decent year. No real big ups or downs. It just existed... I would say one big highlight would be getting in to grad school. Grad school is arduous and stress inducing but as a whole, I kind of like it. I complain all the time about my work load and yet now that I'm on break, I want to be back in the grind of it all. Another highlight would be that I'm in a relationship with a pretty awesome person. That's really all there is to it.

So 2012... The year we apparently die... Well if the world doesn't end at the end of 2012, I hope to have a steady job that provides a steady income. Ideally, I'd hope to be doing something that I really enjoy. Most importantly, I hope to be out of my household and living on my own. Well I guess that requires a steady income first doesn't it? I hope that my relationship stays strong and that we stay together. Hopefully our bond just grows stronger. Lastly, I need to get in shape... Badly. I can't emphasize that fact enough. So my last resolution is simply to exercise, lose weight, and get in shape!!

That is all... 

Oh you know...

How to describe you life?? I find it rather cyclical, rather stressful, rather dull, yet rather invigorating. Contradictory?? Always, but isn't that how life really is?

I've been in school. I must admit, grad school is pretty crazy. Sometimes I wish I could just drop it all, scream "screw this," and go on my merry way, but we all know that this is an implausible concept. In reality though, I guess I am kept grounded by those around me. Those that also suffer as I do with the amount of work that I am given. Those that are also my support my group.

In reality though, this is merely just a speck in my existence. Just a single second of my life time, and yet I constantly wonder when it is going to end. Perhaps sometime soon, in hindsight, I'd really appreciate it.

Progressive Frustration

It progresses well so to speak, but behind the veil, lies a deep frustration...

Yes, it is primordial in nature. Yes, it is a craving. Can it be fulfilled? Perhaps when the time and opportunity is right.

At first glance, I thought there was something. Perhaps my intuitions were wrong as they always seem to be. Misleading... At least by appearance and action... Therefore I wait for the right moment.

Until then.. I take it day by day..

Seemingly so..

So I'm an asshole. I'm a selfish douchebag whom has no consideration for others. Is there an AA around here? That is an Assholes Anonymous?


I've never felt so shattered in my entire life. I need a reinventing. A so called reawakening. I'm not angry. Only angry at myself. How did I end up the way I did? I think in an attempt to protect myself, I lash out at others. I like to play the bad guy but I'm really the good.

I don't even know anymore... Why bother...

A Diatribe of Sorts...

I may be writing this out of boredom, or the fact that I really do want to vent, but I'm going to say that it's more of the former rather than the latter.

Being at home without a job sucks. Being at home without going to school also sucks. In sum, I need something to do with my life or else I feel like I'm withering away into an existence of nothingness. Another problem is my proclivity toward human interaction. I do not like being by myself. In fact, I loathe it. I'll be the first to admit that I constantly crave human attention and interaction. My brain will literally explode from boredom and frustration without it. It also doesn't help that a person that I've been striving for does not seem to require the same amount of attention that I need from them. I guess to each their own. Or perhaps, it was not meant to be. Regardless, this has also caused some frustration and some neurotic thoughts of inferiority. We shall see I suppose...

Of course I have been looking for something to preoccupy my mind, but it is easier said than done. I'm just waiting for school to start at this point. I want to be busy again. I want to feel the stresses of being overwhelmed all the time with too much work. I think that I thrive under those types of situations rather than doing nothing at all. I've tried picking up some hobbies. None of which seemed to stick. I really need to better myself in so many ways, yet I cannot force myself to do so.

I need to be more strict on me. I need to stop making excuses and just go do it. So damnit, why can't I??

Hello world...

Why hello blogger. Last we spoke, it was the beginning of the new year. It's almost half way through the year now which almost boggles my mind.

I must admit things could be worse. Things could also be better, but in reality, they're pretty damn good. I really should not be complaining.

I got into grad school in which I will be starting the day after my birthday. I got into quite the accredited university which I am elated about. It was the only school I applied to as well, so had I not gotten in, that would have been a different story.

Other than that, I am a massive bum until I start school. I am currently jobless looking for a part timer to tide me over. So if anyone knows anything... Please feel free to let me know.

And this is my update to the world.

Please don't let me down...

As my title to this post states, it is rather obvious what I am referring too... Well first and foremost, the title of my post is actually lyrics to a new song that one of my favorite bands just posted recently. Frankly, I can't get enough of the new song, and it's been playing on repeat.

But I digress.... My last post was prior to the new year and thus much could have happened between then and now. Alas this is not necessarily the case, but some changes have been made. My ship has sailed from my prior job and I am now moving to a new one. I have good feelings about this, yet part of me knows how fragile my state of mind is, and thus perhaps this idea known as hope is futile. One of my favorite movies, as cheesy as it is, would always state that hope is the best of things. Hell, in fact, it was the central motif of the whole film. Regardless I have learned from experience that hope perhaps is not the best of things when one hopes way too much. Now I sound like a debbie downer, but I'd rather be pleasantly surprised than all together crushed.

I am hoping that this new year brings me lots of new joys. I think I deserve it. My last couple of years have failed me as such and perhaps karma is going to stay positive on my end this year. What can I hope for other than that? I guess that's a fine balance between not being too hopeful and not being too pessimistic. We shall see now shall we??