I really do not know what is wrong with me as of late. I let my emotions get too much out of me. I let my mind take over, and I let it over analyze everything way too easily. I can honestly say that it is easily affecting my performance in school lately as well as everything else. Even more so, I really do not know the root of it. I have a vague idea, but then again, it is ambiguous. Could the root be deeper than I imagine? Probably so. Many of my problems have deep roots that I have yet still to uncover. I have never been very open with much of them, and that is probably half of the struggle. I have anger issues, I have emotional issues, I have family issues, I have expression issues, I have social issues, I have relationships issues. Then again, who doesn't? Maybe I place far to emphasis on my problems than more people care to think. Maybe I'm just too OCD for my own good. I really do not know. My desire to solve it creates my madness.
I do know that I should find a cure for this before I drive myself insane. I've always considered seeing a therapist but never wanted to for fear of seeming "weak." But really, how is that weak? Maybe now is the time for me to take advantage of situation, and do so. In the long run it could be beneficial. I have a hard time expressing how I truly feel because I do not want other people to have sympathy for me or to see me as being weak. I hate showing my true emotions. Half of the time I'm either angry or too damn depressed deep inside, but on the outside, I'm the same as ever. Maybe thats why I let out small anger filled quips every once in awhile. Maybe thats why I can't control my expressions to other people and I end up seeming a little bit over the top.
I try so hard to control it, but I really can't. This ends up affecting my relationships with other people. I tend to be socially awkward in this respect. I desire respect from my peers, I crave it, and when I want it, I screw it up. It sounds like a classic scenario, and it truly does apply to me. Past situations made me this way, and I have this undeniable fear of being rejected. Rejection is the ultimate low for me, and I mean ultimate. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and yet I always feel that I will be because of how it backfires on me. I depend too much on others to be my support, and yet I don't feel like I give enough back for them to support me back. This has happened way too many times in my life for me to count, and I don't think that I could bear it to happen again.
What is wrong with me? I've been over the top, and I can't explain it. My mind is a struggle right now and I'm trying to keep it sane, but it is extraordinarily difficult with all that is going on.....
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2 comments:
Heh, you're not alone in this. It sort of awes me to find out how much alike we are... I was this way. I still sort of am, but believe it or not, I "gave in" and saw a therapist (just a school psych counselor, nothing I had to pay for). Honestly? It helped a LOT. I thought I was being weak by going in, but I came out stronger and better able to handle myself.
Just remember you're still alive - every day, you're alive - but one day you won't be, so make the most of it.
Good luck :)
Thanks for writing this.
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