A Cry

It is hard for me to imagine myself incapable of thought. My brain overpowers me so much almost always that I find it so overwhelming. What do I think of? Everything and anything. I critically analyze almost everything possible furthermore I live in a world of dreams. Imagination is quite a limitless possibly. I hope for things that I crave, and yet I never attain them. I guess that is the irony of life. When you desire, it takes. Sometimes I feel myself slipping. Slipping away from those that supposedly care about me. I like to be alone. Yet loneliness is my worst enemy. In my own times of darkness I think about my life. I think about my regrets, my critics, my friends, everything about my own life that I find worth complaining about. In addition to that, I think philosophically. I analyze situations and I ask why? I put answers in questions that there probably could never even be an answer.

What is the point of this then? I want to deny my self conscious. I want to rid myself of all that plagues me. A dear friend told me that I can mold myself. It is not just genetically gifted upon me. Yes, I am prone to certain conditions, but this probably seems more than obvious. I guess her point was that if I can convince myself then things can change into what I want myself to be. What I desire. Desire never seems to work my way, does it? Life never is easy and I understand that issue, but I genuinely work hard at making a difference in my own self conscious yet it has been a hard and bitter battle.

Let go Audrey. Just let go. Perhaps I need some sort of self convincing. I need to build the confidence to convince myself to change. Let go of my ways and let the good change me for the better. I always feel like I hate myself. That I blame myself for everything in my life that has went wrong. How is it my fault in the first place? Why must I take in all burdens and create my own sufferings that engulf my whole word? My world is a dark pit. It is incapable of even the slightest bit of light. I find it hard to breathe. I find it hard to sleep. I find it hard to give myself rest. Insomnia is my other worst enemy. I think so much at night that I find it hard to sleep. I'm tired. I'm tired all the time. It ruins me.

Maybe I just pity myself. Maybe. Just maybe I need to stop this. I should believe in myself. That in itself is a confidence booster. Belief can bring the best in everyone. Maybe only then will I realize that I can do what I desire and crave and perhaps positivity will thus follow. Here on out, think about it. Think positively, not everything is the epitome of negativity. I need someone to help me......

When fate sends you a clear message, and yet you choose to ignore it

I am a fucking idiot.

I usually try to be more eloquent on this blog, but really, this time, it serves me right to say it. I am such a fucking idiot, that I can't believe myself. Honestly, how daft could I be? Apparently too much for me to believe it.

If you read a couple of blogs below, I made a post about a certain person that I have been noticing. What are the chances that this certain someone is in Torrance at the same exact time that I am trying to watch a movie with my friends? Furthermore, I exchange some words with his friend and he is standing right next to him and I don't say a fucking word. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? I know he recognizes me from somewhere. I am positive of that.

Fate is telling me something, and I am so damn retarded for not taking the message. I need to grow some balls or something. Apparently I am frightened of something, but really what do I have to lose? Taking risks is the only way I'm going to get anywhere.

A reflection of self and an ode to those that matter

Lunacy is a term I like to describe my own cognition. I find it hard to be by myself. Loneliness often leads to pondering. Pondering often leads to self criticism, self doubt, self exploration, and the list goes on. Question of self often become a quandary in my mind. Perhaps I am a lunatic in a sense. My own identity of self becomes a problem. I analyze until my mind starts to get weary. Despite how tired my mind really is, it just continues on. Another vicious cycle in the paradox that is mine as well as everyone's lives. There is no purpose I tell myself. There is no clear solution. Life does not provide a simple yes or no answer for all of the complications that we face. Yet I find it hard to give up.

Existence seems futile if there is no answer. It is not even large philosophical questions that I plague my mind with. It is the simple questions that I ask myself to answer, and yet I give myself the most complex solutions. There are many different paths that I solve all my predicaments with. To me there is never a clear cut answer, but several. I make things more complicated than it really is, and it condemns my soul. Once I create these various paths it seems that I analyze it further and expand it more. My mind feels like a circuit board. Wires upon wires that never seem to end only connect further and cross with each other. Simplicity is a word that does not quite register in my mind.

Perhaps I need a distraction. A positive distraction for my wandering soul. My wandering mind that continues to dwell on those that need not be dwelled upon. I find that my friends offer a welcome distraction. I wish I could depend on them. Perhaps an mutual interdependency could be developed, but where would that lead me? Absolutely nowhere. I have come to realize how much I really do adore those that mean most to me in my life. I feel that my life would be absolutely meaningless without those in my life. My family. My sisters. My friends. Human existence has a symbiotic relationship, and I am no different. Perhaps sometimes I need it more. My own lunacy and emotional stability requires a support system that cannot be supported by myself.

The one thing that I fear the most out of life is loneliness. If I am all alone in the world and no one cares for me anymore, I would not want to live. Sometimes I do feel that way. As if the world and all that matter left me at that very momment. An overarching darkness with me in a dim spotlight, standing. Lonely. All alone. My mind my best friend and yet my arch enemy. My lunacy, my maniac, my death. All I ask is for compaionship. The littlest of recognition, and I know that I have that right now. I cannot be more grateful for those that surround me. Those that love me and would care for me until the day I die. Those that on my death bed, would still be there, holding me. Please don't leave me I ask. A simple nod, a simple gesture, a simple pleasure. All I crave is that. I wouldn't want anything in the world except for that.

My life, my soul, my body is nothing without those...Without those that have affected me in profound ways. Although I know that no one really reads this, here is my ode to you. For being in my life, I praise you. I praise those that bring me a life worth living for.

Woe the Ambiguities that Plague us all!

Back. Back to an existing reality that seems frozen in time and intangible. A sense of longing perhaps for a continued adventure, and yet exhaustion sets in when I think about it. My restless spirit yearns for more, a quest in the making. My soul cannot stay put in one place. It cannot be contained for I want more than I could possibly ask for. I crave. It is like an addiction. What do I want out of this? I want to be able to do so many all at once. I want to be able to accomplish everything that I could ever ask for.

My restlessness causes my unhappiness. My yearning for more just leads to dreaming and my dreaming leads to hope. Hope is a waste when it leads to absolutely nowhere. I am a dreamer at heart. A nonsensical one that dares to reach for the furthest possible object. One that cannot be ascertained, one that becomes utterly impossible when all rational logic is put upon it. I lack logic I suppose. My mind runs too fast for my own cognition to comprehend what it is saying. I guess I am irrational. I dream to soothe my pain. I dream to forget. I dream to believe that there is euphoria, but do I ever find it? No. Never. It never seems to come to me. It dulls me rather than excite me.

I just want to be able to feel. Apathy overwhelms me at all times. A corpse like feeling everyday of my life. I need to be reinvigorated. How though? I have everything that I could possibly ask for and I am grateful for that. But am I selfish in that I want more? Is that what could give me the energy I need to feel? Maybe the real problem is that I am unappreciative. I have been given the gift of many. Gifts that far many would want. I am in a very comfortable position and yet I seem incapable to feel something about it. Maybe I am just ungrateful. I am ungrateful and selfish. My desires outdo my own gratitude. I am an aggressive person to a degree and I desire the world. I know what I want out of life and that is to gain financial security, meaning, rich. I want to fight hard for that. At the same time, my humbleness gets in the way. My desire to change the world. My desire to do something that would complete my spirit. Does financial security really matter in the end?

I'm still not sure. It is a battle between the two. The money versus the philanthropy. I always question my future. I question it so much that it engulfs my mind most days. Why do I even do it? There is no way for me to find out, and yet I dwell on it. I am creating my own lunacy by doing so. I feel that I can control my future, but really who can? Why do I even try so hard to control it? Whatever deity out there can take it away as easily as given to me. This is why I work so hard at everything I do. This is why I try to surpass everyone else. I want to be given a secure future, but is it really worth it in the end? I'm not even sure of my path anymore. But I want to be. Ambiguity kills me and yet there is no way I can ever be sure. Stop. I need to stop caring. I need to stop wanting to know. Being ignorant perhaps is a good thing for me. As they say, curiosity killed the cat, and it would sure as hell kill me. Perhaps I should dwell upon what I have in the present. It never helps though...I always tell myself to not do things and yet I go back to doing it. It is a vicious circle that apparently never ends. I never listen to myself and yet I criticize myself for almost everything. What a debacle. I wish there was an easy solution, but then again, what would be the challenge? I wish I was a child again. No worries, no problems, no regrets. Ignorance truly is bliss. If I could, I would want to remain ignorant. Give me ignorance over knowledge. Maybe life would be more blissful and simple that way.