The Void

I find it hard to breath. I find it hard to enjoy myself although surrounded by those are beloved to me, I can't find a way to clear the void into my own enjoyment. I constantly think about that which has no answer, that which never can give me a simple and correct "yes or no." I like to dwell. Dwelling is a constant struggle for me as I dive deeper into my own cataclysmic end. Sometimes I wish all of it would end just instantaneously. Not in the manner of the otherly world, but in the sense that everything would be calm and peaceful. I never find the peace that I seek in my mind and I constantly only ponder the negative in my life. Is there any positivity in my existence to date? I know there is, and yet I don't see any of my accomplishments as evidence of my gifts to the world. I feel like I only take.

I wish I had the determinism that some people have. I wish I had a dream that I could follow through with. Everyone deals with the same problem, the feeling of being lost especially at a turning point in their lives. My own sad existences yearns to learn the meaning of it all right now, and that is impossible to find. It will come to me one day, but I am impatient. I seek the answers to all my ambiguities in one moment but find it hard to come across when my mind itself never can come upon one answer to anything that satisfies my hunger for knowledge.

I guess I just feel numb. Numb to everything. Numb to both the positive and the negative aspects of my life. I wake up every morning feeling like nothing. As if my spirit was non existent and that I myself am just a corpse, vacant, and robotic, doing the same programmed tasks every single day. Whats the difference between a Monday or any other day? Absolutely nothing. If you take a look at it as an instant, it all is the same. Is there a way to make me feel? A way to make me feel hopeful about the world and maybe hopeful about my future when everything appears so bleak. There are some times of excitement, some artifice of euphoria. Those are only superficial blinks in my life though. The smallest of blips in the world that is my life. I guess I just need to appreciate those moments. Maybe dwell upon a moment where I felt true happiness and not just one that was artificial, not one in which I was under the influence. Maybe just maybe, those moments in my life in which I treasure can give me the escape that I desire.

Just maybe.....