A reflection of self and an ode to those that matter

Lunacy is a term I like to describe my own cognition. I find it hard to be by myself. Loneliness often leads to pondering. Pondering often leads to self criticism, self doubt, self exploration, and the list goes on. Question of self often become a quandary in my mind. Perhaps I am a lunatic in a sense. My own identity of self becomes a problem. I analyze until my mind starts to get weary. Despite how tired my mind really is, it just continues on. Another vicious cycle in the paradox that is mine as well as everyone's lives. There is no purpose I tell myself. There is no clear solution. Life does not provide a simple yes or no answer for all of the complications that we face. Yet I find it hard to give up.

Existence seems futile if there is no answer. It is not even large philosophical questions that I plague my mind with. It is the simple questions that I ask myself to answer, and yet I give myself the most complex solutions. There are many different paths that I solve all my predicaments with. To me there is never a clear cut answer, but several. I make things more complicated than it really is, and it condemns my soul. Once I create these various paths it seems that I analyze it further and expand it more. My mind feels like a circuit board. Wires upon wires that never seem to end only connect further and cross with each other. Simplicity is a word that does not quite register in my mind.

Perhaps I need a distraction. A positive distraction for my wandering soul. My wandering mind that continues to dwell on those that need not be dwelled upon. I find that my friends offer a welcome distraction. I wish I could depend on them. Perhaps an mutual interdependency could be developed, but where would that lead me? Absolutely nowhere. I have come to realize how much I really do adore those that mean most to me in my life. I feel that my life would be absolutely meaningless without those in my life. My family. My sisters. My friends. Human existence has a symbiotic relationship, and I am no different. Perhaps sometimes I need it more. My own lunacy and emotional stability requires a support system that cannot be supported by myself.

The one thing that I fear the most out of life is loneliness. If I am all alone in the world and no one cares for me anymore, I would not want to live. Sometimes I do feel that way. As if the world and all that matter left me at that very momment. An overarching darkness with me in a dim spotlight, standing. Lonely. All alone. My mind my best friend and yet my arch enemy. My lunacy, my maniac, my death. All I ask is for compaionship. The littlest of recognition, and I know that I have that right now. I cannot be more grateful for those that surround me. Those that love me and would care for me until the day I die. Those that on my death bed, would still be there, holding me. Please don't leave me I ask. A simple nod, a simple gesture, a simple pleasure. All I crave is that. I wouldn't want anything in the world except for that.

My life, my soul, my body is nothing without those...Without those that have affected me in profound ways. Although I know that no one really reads this, here is my ode to you. For being in my life, I praise you. I praise those that bring me a life worth living for.