A Cry

It is hard for me to imagine myself incapable of thought. My brain overpowers me so much almost always that I find it so overwhelming. What do I think of? Everything and anything. I critically analyze almost everything possible furthermore I live in a world of dreams. Imagination is quite a limitless possibly. I hope for things that I crave, and yet I never attain them. I guess that is the irony of life. When you desire, it takes. Sometimes I feel myself slipping. Slipping away from those that supposedly care about me. I like to be alone. Yet loneliness is my worst enemy. In my own times of darkness I think about my life. I think about my regrets, my critics, my friends, everything about my own life that I find worth complaining about. In addition to that, I think philosophically. I analyze situations and I ask why? I put answers in questions that there probably could never even be an answer.

What is the point of this then? I want to deny my self conscious. I want to rid myself of all that plagues me. A dear friend told me that I can mold myself. It is not just genetically gifted upon me. Yes, I am prone to certain conditions, but this probably seems more than obvious. I guess her point was that if I can convince myself then things can change into what I want myself to be. What I desire. Desire never seems to work my way, does it? Life never is easy and I understand that issue, but I genuinely work hard at making a difference in my own self conscious yet it has been a hard and bitter battle.

Let go Audrey. Just let go. Perhaps I need some sort of self convincing. I need to build the confidence to convince myself to change. Let go of my ways and let the good change me for the better. I always feel like I hate myself. That I blame myself for everything in my life that has went wrong. How is it my fault in the first place? Why must I take in all burdens and create my own sufferings that engulf my whole word? My world is a dark pit. It is incapable of even the slightest bit of light. I find it hard to breathe. I find it hard to sleep. I find it hard to give myself rest. Insomnia is my other worst enemy. I think so much at night that I find it hard to sleep. I'm tired. I'm tired all the time. It ruins me.

Maybe I just pity myself. Maybe. Just maybe I need to stop this. I should believe in myself. That in itself is a confidence booster. Belief can bring the best in everyone. Maybe only then will I realize that I can do what I desire and crave and perhaps positivity will thus follow. Here on out, think about it. Think positively, not everything is the epitome of negativity. I need someone to help me......

When fate sends you a clear message, and yet you choose to ignore it

I am a fucking idiot.

I usually try to be more eloquent on this blog, but really, this time, it serves me right to say it. I am such a fucking idiot, that I can't believe myself. Honestly, how daft could I be? Apparently too much for me to believe it.

If you read a couple of blogs below, I made a post about a certain person that I have been noticing. What are the chances that this certain someone is in Torrance at the same exact time that I am trying to watch a movie with my friends? Furthermore, I exchange some words with his friend and he is standing right next to him and I don't say a fucking word. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? I know he recognizes me from somewhere. I am positive of that.

Fate is telling me something, and I am so damn retarded for not taking the message. I need to grow some balls or something. Apparently I am frightened of something, but really what do I have to lose? Taking risks is the only way I'm going to get anywhere.

A reflection of self and an ode to those that matter

Lunacy is a term I like to describe my own cognition. I find it hard to be by myself. Loneliness often leads to pondering. Pondering often leads to self criticism, self doubt, self exploration, and the list goes on. Question of self often become a quandary in my mind. Perhaps I am a lunatic in a sense. My own identity of self becomes a problem. I analyze until my mind starts to get weary. Despite how tired my mind really is, it just continues on. Another vicious cycle in the paradox that is mine as well as everyone's lives. There is no purpose I tell myself. There is no clear solution. Life does not provide a simple yes or no answer for all of the complications that we face. Yet I find it hard to give up.

Existence seems futile if there is no answer. It is not even large philosophical questions that I plague my mind with. It is the simple questions that I ask myself to answer, and yet I give myself the most complex solutions. There are many different paths that I solve all my predicaments with. To me there is never a clear cut answer, but several. I make things more complicated than it really is, and it condemns my soul. Once I create these various paths it seems that I analyze it further and expand it more. My mind feels like a circuit board. Wires upon wires that never seem to end only connect further and cross with each other. Simplicity is a word that does not quite register in my mind.

Perhaps I need a distraction. A positive distraction for my wandering soul. My wandering mind that continues to dwell on those that need not be dwelled upon. I find that my friends offer a welcome distraction. I wish I could depend on them. Perhaps an mutual interdependency could be developed, but where would that lead me? Absolutely nowhere. I have come to realize how much I really do adore those that mean most to me in my life. I feel that my life would be absolutely meaningless without those in my life. My family. My sisters. My friends. Human existence has a symbiotic relationship, and I am no different. Perhaps sometimes I need it more. My own lunacy and emotional stability requires a support system that cannot be supported by myself.

The one thing that I fear the most out of life is loneliness. If I am all alone in the world and no one cares for me anymore, I would not want to live. Sometimes I do feel that way. As if the world and all that matter left me at that very momment. An overarching darkness with me in a dim spotlight, standing. Lonely. All alone. My mind my best friend and yet my arch enemy. My lunacy, my maniac, my death. All I ask is for compaionship. The littlest of recognition, and I know that I have that right now. I cannot be more grateful for those that surround me. Those that love me and would care for me until the day I die. Those that on my death bed, would still be there, holding me. Please don't leave me I ask. A simple nod, a simple gesture, a simple pleasure. All I crave is that. I wouldn't want anything in the world except for that.

My life, my soul, my body is nothing without those...Without those that have affected me in profound ways. Although I know that no one really reads this, here is my ode to you. For being in my life, I praise you. I praise those that bring me a life worth living for.

Woe the Ambiguities that Plague us all!

Back. Back to an existing reality that seems frozen in time and intangible. A sense of longing perhaps for a continued adventure, and yet exhaustion sets in when I think about it. My restless spirit yearns for more, a quest in the making. My soul cannot stay put in one place. It cannot be contained for I want more than I could possibly ask for. I crave. It is like an addiction. What do I want out of this? I want to be able to do so many all at once. I want to be able to accomplish everything that I could ever ask for.

My restlessness causes my unhappiness. My yearning for more just leads to dreaming and my dreaming leads to hope. Hope is a waste when it leads to absolutely nowhere. I am a dreamer at heart. A nonsensical one that dares to reach for the furthest possible object. One that cannot be ascertained, one that becomes utterly impossible when all rational logic is put upon it. I lack logic I suppose. My mind runs too fast for my own cognition to comprehend what it is saying. I guess I am irrational. I dream to soothe my pain. I dream to forget. I dream to believe that there is euphoria, but do I ever find it? No. Never. It never seems to come to me. It dulls me rather than excite me.

I just want to be able to feel. Apathy overwhelms me at all times. A corpse like feeling everyday of my life. I need to be reinvigorated. How though? I have everything that I could possibly ask for and I am grateful for that. But am I selfish in that I want more? Is that what could give me the energy I need to feel? Maybe the real problem is that I am unappreciative. I have been given the gift of many. Gifts that far many would want. I am in a very comfortable position and yet I seem incapable to feel something about it. Maybe I am just ungrateful. I am ungrateful and selfish. My desires outdo my own gratitude. I am an aggressive person to a degree and I desire the world. I know what I want out of life and that is to gain financial security, meaning, rich. I want to fight hard for that. At the same time, my humbleness gets in the way. My desire to change the world. My desire to do something that would complete my spirit. Does financial security really matter in the end?

I'm still not sure. It is a battle between the two. The money versus the philanthropy. I always question my future. I question it so much that it engulfs my mind most days. Why do I even do it? There is no way for me to find out, and yet I dwell on it. I am creating my own lunacy by doing so. I feel that I can control my future, but really who can? Why do I even try so hard to control it? Whatever deity out there can take it away as easily as given to me. This is why I work so hard at everything I do. This is why I try to surpass everyone else. I want to be given a secure future, but is it really worth it in the end? I'm not even sure of my path anymore. But I want to be. Ambiguity kills me and yet there is no way I can ever be sure. Stop. I need to stop caring. I need to stop wanting to know. Being ignorant perhaps is a good thing for me. As they say, curiosity killed the cat, and it would sure as hell kill me. Perhaps I should dwell upon what I have in the present. It never helps though...I always tell myself to not do things and yet I go back to doing it. It is a vicious circle that apparently never ends. I never listen to myself and yet I criticize myself for almost everything. What a debacle. I wish there was an easy solution, but then again, what would be the challenge? I wish I was a child again. No worries, no problems, no regrets. Ignorance truly is bliss. If I could, I would want to remain ignorant. Give me ignorance over knowledge. Maybe life would be more blissful and simple that way.

It was just one glance

It was nearing finals when everyone was frantic. We were all fighting for the same films to watch before our dreaded final just to make up for our lackluster attempts at conquering the class beforehand. It all boiled down to this, the final scramble. I saw you there. Immediately I took notice of you. I would not describe you as particularly gorgeous. I could not say you took my breath away, but there was something. An air of confidence perhaps, or maybe the way you presented yourself, but from then on, I knew. One thing is for sure, I would not describe your looks as revolting, but rather, cute and attractive in a very different kind of way. You introduced yourself, and I did the same. Jeff was your name. I wish I knew your last name. We were trying to watch the same film. You were chivalrous and said that I could watch it first. You gave me as smile. I was nervous. I gave a awkward smile back. Somehow I felt that there was a connection to be created. That was all it took.

I began to search for you in all of my classes. I always sat in the front and I scanned around the room just to get one glance at you. I realized that you were in two of them. Whenever I saw you walk up to the front of the lecture hall, I could not keep my eyes off of you. My heart stopped maybe for the briefest of moments. Then came the dreaded moment when I realized that the two classes were over. Maybe I would not see you any longer, that made my heart yearn. I thought that maybe fate would bring us to meet again on happenstance. Perhaps I would find you again.

Then came a new start, a new quarter, a new beginning. I used the same tactic. I scanned my classrooms just for one sign of your presence. I found it in two of them. I saw you, and again I held my breath. I knew I would always look for you, maybe this time I will be able to sit next to you. Every single lecture, I would turn around awkwardly just to get a simple glance at you. Then one day, I sat relatively close to you on the benches right outside of class. You were reading the newspaper, while I was cramming for our midterm. I looked at you and I put my head down. You looked at me and returned to your newspaper. I wanted to say something without feeling like an idiot, but what could I have done? I felt like an idiot and got up. I walked into the classroom full of shame. Fate seemed to be playing tricks on me again, for I could not summon up the bravery to even say one single word. A simple "hello" could have sufficed.

I missed my chance, but I was not going to allow it to happen again. In our class you actually sat close to me. One row behind me and very near my vicinity. You were talking to your friend. I heard your voice and it made me nervous. I did not know how to act. Fate brought us close to each other again. What was I supposed to do? Do I interject? Do I wait for the perfect moment to say something? Was there even going to be this magical moment? I tried to act as normal as possible. I tried to make myself appear cool and collected. I talked to my friend who sat next to me. Maybe he would notice this time and say something. Nothing ever did happen. I lost my chance again. My courage seems to go down the drain every single time that I know you are around.

What is an attraction anyway? Should I act upon it? I'll let fate decide one more time, only if it is kind enough to give me one more chance.

My Lack of Empathy and Absorption

I am a selfish person. Everyone to some degree is, but sometimes I feel as if I am more than others. I tend to think of everything for myself rather than focusing on what other people want. I do want to help out my friends as much as I can, but I find it rather hard to do so when I have my own projects to get done. Why don't I think about other people? They have just as much as me if not more, and yet I cannot give up my own time for them while they do it for me?

The real reason is that I do not understand the meaning of one important word: sacrifice. I know what the word means and the construction of the word in a practical manner, but do I really? I can sacrifice myself for others, but not at my own costs. It seems that most of the time when I do, it is because I start feeling guilty or that it becomes a necessity for me to save my own face. I guess it all really boils down to pride. I definitely have much of that, and I can't seem to shake off the excess of it.

It becomes rather difficult to change a person who has been brought up with the same old habits for the past two decades, and yet I might find the will in me to change. If I criticize myself for my bad habits, would it really make a difference?

A Paradigm of Jubilation

What a quandary it is to continue on with not an inkling of a motive or a hope for a future.

It is hard for me to keep myself up, to keep myself wanting something out of nothing. I tell myself to keep on wishing and perhaps one day it shall come true. But really, is this all life really has to offer? I have been granted many gifts in my lifetime, that I am willing to admit, but I feel that now of all times, I am in a desperate state of affairs. Whatever deity that exists out there, I feel like I am pleading. I am on my knees asking for a prayer, and yet none seems to ever be given to me. Is it my own fault? I consistently think it is. What am I doing wrong? I constantly analyze my motions, my expressions, my actions, my motives, and I try to change them but find it difficult to do so. My stubborn ways always win, and I am back to nothing.

Change. Change is the only thing that can ever make a difference. I tell myself to change, but it never really works. If my mind does not believe in it, how can my body act upon it? This higher deity loves to play tricks on me. The person who runs about one thousand thoughts per minute. That would be me. I am exhausted by my thoughts and I wish that it would stop, but yet I never give myself even a minutes worth of rest. What do I really want out of all of this? Something that I've been craving for so long and yet I have never had the opportunity to enjoy. A happiness. A pleasure. A spark. Something, anything. Something to make me care, something to make me happy. I want happiness is what I want in the end. Don't we all? Can't I get something as simple as that? Are my wants to large? I don't really think they are. In the end, I am more simple in my wants than I appear to be, and yet so complicated in many other ways.

I find myself wanting escape. An escape into the world out there and in more than one way, a journey to find myself. It sounds sort of cliche to say it, but I am an adventurer in the end, and I want to see the world. My spirit is awakening and calling out to the world, and yet I am inable to act upon it. I am trapped in my own little world, and frankly, it is getting quite claustrophobic. I crave the ability to just see everything that I want to see. I want to explore the vast cultures that are out there and to understand my own. I want a worldliness that not many people have. I do not want to be ignorant but remain as open and understanding as possible. I want to be able to live in the most remote location in the most primitive of settings. I want something that is bare to the bone, simple, to make me understand what it is really about. Gaining understanding may help me understand my own precarious situation. Maybe one day, I'll do it....I hope to do it and plan to do it. My soul craves something more out of this world, and yet I am unable to attain it.

Oh sweet rapture, when will you ever reach me?

Optimism Plenty

Oh Blogger, it has been quite long.

I really do not have much news since the last time we met. I guess it is pretty much official that I am foregoing my plans for going to law school. In the end, I decided that it really was not worth my time and effort for the outcome. Yes, I could be making lots of money, but really, it is not that important. I would also have to work extremely hard during law school to make lots of money.

I have decided that I want to go get a masters in film and if I decide to, continue on to get a PhD. I love film way too much for me to ignore it. I love studying it and analyzing it. This makes sense to my other interests too, because film studies often refers to historical and socio-political contexts from which it came from. This does mean I need to start studying for the GREs and applying to grad schools.

I am glad that I finally made up my mind on what I want to do, but at the same time, ambiguity still exists. I'm not sure where this will take me, but lets hope for the best.

Simple Things

It takes the smallest of things for you to realize the largest of epiphanies. I really appreciate the person who actually sat me down and talked to me about my issues and made me realize a variety of problems that I have never confronted before.

I need to appreciate the people that I can trust more. I am finally starting to see who are my true friends. Maybe it is about time I devote more time to those people rather than those who really should not even matter in my life.

Maybe things are starting to look up. Maybe I can learn to appreciate what I've never been able to appreciate before.

I guess all I need is time.

Just Another Drive Back Home

I had a random encounter on my way back home Thursday night. I was dropping off my roommate in Woodland Hills so that her boyfriend could pick her up. Her boyfriend ended up being about 30 minutes late because he got pulled over. I decided to drive around instead of just waiting there. My roommate insisted on me leaving her, but how could I leave a girl by herself at a gas station at 11:30 at night. That would be ridiculous. I could never do that.

We ended up in a donut shop. We grabbed a donut then I had to use the bathroom. There was a gas station next door so we walked over to it. As we were walking toward it, a car pulls up with a guy and a girl in the vehicle. The girl gets out of the car and runs into the gas station. I walk in right behind her. She runs up the attendant slips him something, which he slips her something in return, and then she runs back out into the car. I could have sworn that it was sort of drug or drug paraphernalia, but I decided not to say anything for the time being. I walked up to the cashier and asked if I could use the bathroom. He replied rudely with a, "Not for you!" And I was appalled, because he was a complete jerk. I was about to turn around and leave until my roommate butted in and said "How about we buy something?" He said, "Ok, then you can use the bathroom." I'm sure his rudeness had something to do with us walking in on his "drug deal."

We walk outside and I ask my roommate, "was there anything strange about that whole incident?" And she said no. So I told her about what I thought I saw, and she thinks it is strange how the girl just runs in there and then leaves after slipping the cashier something in her hand. So she starts freaking out, because both of us were witnesses to a drug deal. We both decide to leave asap because it was almost midnight by this point and that whole incident was freaky.

Truly a really random incident.

My How the Times Fly by....

I would just like to point out that I have made some form of progress since my last utterly depressing post. I am taking that first step that I need, and hopefully finding some piece of mind. Until then, I know the path will be rigorous, and it is something that I must deal with under my own terms. Let us hope that things do not go astray.

Onto a different tangent....I registered for spring quarter already. My last quarter before senior year....My classes are listed as follows:

Anthro 148A-Comparative Ethnicities
Film 101T-History of Television
Film 163-Women and Film

My one concern for spring quarter is the fact that I will be missing about a week and a half of school toward the end of the quarter because of my family trip to Peru. I am of course ridiculously excited about this trip, but I have not talked to my professors about missing class. I know that I should not have a problem with 101T because I have 4 other friends taking the class, and I am really close to the professor that teaches 163 who already said it should not be a problem. Hopefully it will work out and not completely screw up my gpa.

I also realized that after spring quarter, I only need 10 more classes to graduate....That is absolutely terrifying to me. This could potentially mean that I can finish a quarter or two earlier. I am definitely going to take the first session of summer school, but I'm not too sure about the second. If I do both, this also cuts down on my time at UCSB. I am considering finishing early and just spending the rest of my time at UCSB working and starting to study hardcore for the LSATs. I think it would be better this way just because I would save much money on tuition, and since I can't end my lease, I might as well stay and make money.

I cannot believe that I am going to graduate so soon......It scares me quite frankly. I am still unsure about my path in life, and knowing that it is a measly 10 classes after this year does not make it any better.....

Internal Strife and its' Misery

I really do not know what is wrong with me as of late. I let my emotions get too much out of me. I let my mind take over, and I let it over analyze everything way too easily. I can honestly say that it is easily affecting my performance in school lately as well as everything else. Even more so, I really do not know the root of it. I have a vague idea, but then again, it is ambiguous. Could the root be deeper than I imagine? Probably so. Many of my problems have deep roots that I have yet still to uncover. I have never been very open with much of them, and that is probably half of the struggle. I have anger issues, I have emotional issues, I have family issues, I have expression issues, I have social issues, I have relationships issues. Then again, who doesn't? Maybe I place far to emphasis on my problems than more people care to think. Maybe I'm just too OCD for my own good. I really do not know. My desire to solve it creates my madness.

I do know that I should find a cure for this before I drive myself insane. I've always considered seeing a therapist but never wanted to for fear of seeming "weak." But really, how is that weak? Maybe now is the time for me to take advantage of situation, and do so. In the long run it could be beneficial. I have a hard time expressing how I truly feel because I do not want other people to have sympathy for me or to see me as being weak. I hate showing my true emotions. Half of the time I'm either angry or too damn depressed deep inside, but on the outside, I'm the same as ever. Maybe thats why I let out small anger filled quips every once in awhile. Maybe thats why I can't control my expressions to other people and I end up seeming a little bit over the top.

I try so hard to control it, but I really can't. This ends up affecting my relationships with other people. I tend to be socially awkward in this respect. I desire respect from my peers, I crave it, and when I want it, I screw it up. It sounds like a classic scenario, and it truly does apply to me. Past situations made me this way, and I have this undeniable fear of being rejected. Rejection is the ultimate low for me, and I mean ultimate. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and yet I always feel that I will be because of how it backfires on me. I depend too much on others to be my support, and yet I don't feel like I give enough back for them to support me back. This has happened way too many times in my life for me to count, and I don't think that I could bear it to happen again.

What is wrong with me? I've been over the top, and I can't explain it. My mind is a struggle right now and I'm trying to keep it sane, but it is extraordinarily difficult with all that is going on.....

Twistin and a Turnin

Life has been rather hectic. I really do not know how to describe my emotions except that I have been feeling rather unemotional, empty, and god knows what else. Maybe the stresses of this quarter are already getting to me. I feel like being back in the sorority is a great thing, but at the same time, the constant events and the lack of free time is officially starting to slap me in the face. I have always hated winter quarter, and really this is of no difference. Even so early on, I feel like I'm going to fail all my classes. I probably won't, but I just have this knot in my stomach. As always, I am yet again over analyzing and stressing over life, existence, and everything in between. I like to stress about little things and build it up to big things, which is so unnecessary, but completely unavoidable in my mind.

I really do not know what to feel. If anything, I would think that my current state can be described as being a zombie. I am a mindless drone, without any form of indentifiable emotion, doing everything that I can, and hating it all at the same time. Honestly, all I want to do is sleep. If god had pity, he would put me in a coma right now. I would enjoy that. Maybe if I was in a coma for a month it would make up for my years of sleep deprivation. If only.

Lastly, Heath Ledger's passing is truly a tragedy. I saw him as a rising star with only greatness to come forth. What angers me more is the fact that after his death, people have the guts to trash him for one singular role. Ok, he was in Brokeback Mountain, and he played a gay cowboy. No need to bag him for that role. My specific example is John Gibson of Fox News. His ignorance is so infuriating. He pretty much slams Ledger as well as homosexuals everywhere, and yet Fox has the balls to still keep him talking. Gibson should be fired for his atrocious statements, or at least be told to shut the fuck up.

Down the Shithole....

I read this online today, and this is why the music industry is going down the shithole...I'm sure everyone knows that retarded song "Soulja Boy." The song in itself is the epitome of everything that is WRONG with the music industry and why it is heading into a continual spiral down the drain.

Apparently...Soulja Boy has become the largest digital single of all time!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!?!?! 3 million LEGAL downloads. What idiots want to download that piece of crap of a song? I could have pieced together a song way better than that in a manner of minutes. I hope Soulja Boy gets hit by a car. People like him should not be in the music industry.

Really though, I can't even blame Soulja Boy. He is just trying to make a living, granted, he is making millions off of a dumb song so I guess I can pin that onto him. I have to blame the mindless idiots who listen to this crap. First of all, do music listeners even have a mind now a days? They think something is catchy and then they listen to it repeatively because it is trendy. It is the "it" song of the moment. I went to a party during summer school at SB. I decided not to go in because the apartment was crowded, so I stood outside. As I was watching the crowds walk by, some idiot plays the stupid Soulja Boy song. A huge group of white kids, and I mean the whitest possible kids you can imagine, start doing the apparent "dance" to the song on the streets!! It was absolutely hilarious yet completely ridiculous at the same time. THESE are the people that make the music industry suck. THESE are the people that have no sense whatsoever.

Next time you listen to a song, pay attention to the lyrics. Pay attention to its' composition. Apparently most of America does not know how to.

The Revitalization

I'm back. I have not used blogger in god knows how long. I have been using xanga until quite recently. Xanga is officially over and done with, and after four years of using that, I think its about time I retired. These things do get boring after awhile, but until then, I will try to update as much as I can.

My life is boringly busy. I have a more than 12 hour schedule from Monday-Thursday, but thank god I have Friday to breath. I prefer life this way over doing absolutely nothing, but at the same time, it is rather stressful.

This year should be fun though. A very big traveling year for me. I hope to take full advantage of it.

Not much to say for now, but more to come later.

So Here it Goes Again

What is this? I'm back to Blogger!! HA! Not really. Just bored.