A halt

Often I would wonder about my consequences and my destiny... For the past couple of years I often complained about my tragedies... I believed that my tragedies always seemed to circumvent and over power my blessings. In reality, this would be the exact opposite effect. For, my blessings have created the strong person I am today. Circumstances may not have occurred the way I have imagined it which has ultimately me a more disgruntled person, but alas, what am I to do but to accept them from what they are. I am still alive, I am still breathing, my gifts far outweigh my shortcomings and yet here I am....

I am blessed. I am loved. I have been graced with more than I could possibly imagine. Perhaps it is selfish to wish for more. To wish for more in a different sense, but perhaps I have not reached my full capacity... Until then, I await....

Somehow I wonder

Sometimes I wonder what is my purpose... Am I finding my worth? Am I finding my calling? Am I on the right path?

It seems that bittersweet destiny likes to make a folly of me. For I question and I question, I try and I try, yet there is never an answer. Perhaps this is life, perhaps this is the cruel sweet truth of destiny. Perhaps I am in the wrong. Or maybe, it's as simple as it sounds.. It just is... Why even question??

It seems I am getting my priorities all tied up. What should be the most important has somehow fallen in place. This needs to be recuperated. This needs to be fixed. For I am my own worst enemy, and I alone am the only one that can change that.

Your presence, becomes a sense of solace in my delirium
An essence of ever calming nectar to my weary ridden soul

Exploring the Infinite Depths...

Ahh here I lie in a comatose state.... Exploring... Defining... Searching...

Looking through my inner soul, the darkest depths, the smallest crevices, and trying to find what lies hidden. A paradigm needs to be solved, a paradox waiting to be found. Soul searching could be the term... A quest to find myself could be the other... I shall continue this search from high to low, from the infinite to the beyond... I shall not waste any time...


Much is to be pondered... Much is to be wondered... Much is a quandary... Much is a riddle....

Will I succeed? Only time shall tell....

The Hunger

Funny how life works its' magic... I must admit, 2010, will be an interesting year. An interesting year indeed...

I must admit, I yearn, and I want. I want something that seems so unattainable, but yet I cannot stop thinking about it. I like to think of it as a hunger of sorts. The hunger of wanting something so badly yet you know your chances are slim to none.

I want this so bad I will do almost anything... Almost.....

Come good tidings, I await thee in this time of new ventures

Hello there blog, long time no see! I hope you are well, for I am ok, I could be better. Yet again, I shall not complain because "ok" is better than bad. I should be thankful for what has been given to me versus greedy for what I do not have that I want. Now I digress... The real point of this post is discuss the situation at hand. It is coming close, almost a year that I have graduated and boy is it strange going this long without any sort of proper academic schooling. I must admit, I imagined things to be a tid bit different... Who am I kidding.. I imagined it to be much different from the way it is right now.

Yet again, who am I to comment on the path that I have chosen.. It was made for me. It was designed for me. I can change it instantaneously with my choices, but then again, how would I ever know what is to happen next? I can't help the forces that create us, that manage us, that choose the life that we make of ourselves. One thing I know for a fact is that I am in a bump in my life to say the least. Most likely it is because I have placed too much of a higher expectation of myself. I am a dreamer, what can I say. I can't stop being a dreamer. My overactive imagination has created these goals and impressions of myself that I currently cannot fulfill. Or perhaps that is my belief that I cannot fulfill said goal?? I do not know. One thing is for sure, I do lack the motivation to do so. I find it so hard to gather the strength to do anything that could further my career anymore. It is almost as if I have given up and I accept my position in life. I am stuck in my rut, and apparently there is nothing I could do about it.

I know these beliefs are all false. There is plenty I can do. The question is, how do I change this viewpoint of myself? My persona has lost it's will. I have almost lost my will to fight being stuck in this gaping rut for so long. I'm trapped in my own prison, my mind, my environment, and everything in between. Perhaps I just got to start worrying about myself... They say worry brings about action. I have been rather stressed lately about this issue. It obviously isn't a good feeling to always be worried, anxious, and stressed about your life.

Maybe it's because I aim too high in my life. Too high for the current economy, the current times, the current state I am. Maybe my dreams are just way too unrealistic for the time being. This is also a plausibility. I am not saying that I should abandon my dreams and give up all hope, but just take it one step at a time to finally achieve what I've always dreamed for. I'm not going to get a free hand-out and get everything I want with a snap of a finger. The sooner I realize this, the sooner I'll be better... Baby steps... That's all it takes... And now for step 1....

Forsaken!! Oh Forsaken!!

I was told about the confusion, the dilemma, so to speak, when you're out of school. You're clueless, what do you do? Your whole life was simple, now it's just so complicated, a paradigm if you will. Well, I believed it. I was told what would happen, but I was just unsure of what exactly would happen to me. Every experience is different as one would say, but what am I to expect? They throw you out with nothing. No one. Nothing, silence, ambiguity. I sit. I wait. I take the little that I have learned and try to apply it to my environment, and alas, I am unsuccessful.

Ahh to be taken back to those days. Those days when everything was almost automatic, a robotic sort of way. Serene. Uncomplicated. Simple. My path was clear and it was straight. Someone was always holding my hand, and guiding me to my destination. Now they have let go. I am on my own. My own wake within the fold. Still I stand, just staring. All these questions I have. All these complexities that I ask myself. I thought I knew, but doesn't everyone? So many different roads for me to take, so to speak, yet none offer one clear path. I sit down, shaking. Unable to commit, unable to make a decision. I question which is the right path, but is there even one?

My mind, a paradox, my feelings, are often in disarray. So I contemplate, and I contemplate some more. It does a body good so to speak or does it leave it lost in the woods. My commitment lacks. My disappointment in myself grows. Why can't I set myself on the right path? Why can't I push myself as much as I did before? Perhaps I've lost my fire. Perhaps I've lost my faith. Perhaps, just perhaps, I'm asking for guidance. Though none is apparent. Maybe, just maybe, I need to find this one on my own...

A favor perhaps?

I need a life.

Can someone give me one?


The end.

N/A

It's a strange incessant feeling. One that doesn't seem to make any sense. It ticks away at me like a clock, always working its' way out. How can I stop it? No I do not know. I know how to make it feel better, but the more I think about it, I push myself away. I am straying myself away from sanity. I am falling deeper and deeper into a hole. I would like to seek the help of others. Yet I cannot bring myself to do so. I desire to make things better, to have it make sense again. But what do I do but screw it up. Only to worsen it more than ever. I have let so many down. So many of those the peers that I respect the most. I cannot even bring myself to say a simple "sorry." An apology straight from the heart. I might be a monster, I might be inconsiderate. In the end, we're all human aren't we? Our fallacies are just another trait that makes us what we are. This is so ambiguous that it beats me down so. I wish I could muster up the courage to do what my heart tells me so. Alas, I am a coward, and forever a coward I shall remain.

The Ambiguity of it all

I guess I haven't posted in a bit, at least for me. I've had an interesting time in the past few months. As school winded down, I dealt with a little bit of a love interest, some drama, and just worry for my life as a post grad. I guess as it all culminated, my confidence took the best of me, and I didn't feel that finding a job would be that difficult for me. Well, my confidence is slapping me in the face, and I, well I, truly do deserve it.

Exploring the Downward Spiral

This does not just apply to me, but to everyone, especially the people graduating this year like me. It sucks...Truly it does. We're graduating in one of the worst years possible. How are we to find a job in an economic situation like this? I know that I've already had a rough time. I'm done in about a month and a half and I'm scared already. If only I had graduated a year earlier, or two, I would be in a mess, but not so much of a mess. I have already applied to some positions in some large tv/film corporations, but so far, no responses, except for one which automatically rejected me. My first job rejection. I guess you can count that as a momentous occasion for me. At least in the most despondent of ways. What do I expect though? Everyone is cutting back on jobs and hours. Everyone is scared. It's not even our country either. Everyone is suffering around the world. The corporate pigs that feed off of us are only getting richer, while the lower classes just suffer more. Degrees do not even matter anymore. What's the point? Everyone is fighting for position A because they need the money, and everyone has the same amount of experience as well as education as everyone else. Position A will be filled by Joe Schmo from god knows where, and you'll be left there with nothing. Keep searching I suppose. Giving up is never an option, especially when your futue depends on it.

I on the other hand, would really like to do the peace corps. Unfortunately I know that since many people are feeling the beating hands of the economy, they are going to try to do the same thing as me. My reason for wanting to do the peace corps is not because of the financial crises that we are currently facing, rather, it is for my own improvement and my dedication to doing something better for this world. I would love to work in Africa. Africa is such a beautiful place with wonderful people and blossoming cultures. I have never been there, but I study Africa and I am so infatuated with it. My dream would be to live with a tribe for a year or two, study them, and make a documentary. Let's hope. The peace corp application is quite ridiculous though. I still need about one and a half to two years of experience. Once submitted, the application goes through another six to nine month process and then you find out. This means, it could be up to three years or three and a half. I think it would be worth it. Perhaps I'll find a job (if I can even get any) and do the work I need to do while at that job.

I feel sorry for Obama. Sorry for any president at this moment in time. We place high hopes on him. We would have placed high hopes on anyone that is elected. Yet, if he does not fulfill that, it will all go down. This idea is stupid to me. How could one place so much hope in one man when it is impossible for one man to accomplish the paradigm of our generation? The worst economic slump in decades. What is he to do? As an icon for our country, he is the one that suffers the most. He is the one that is blamed for everything. I am not saying that I dislike Obama or anything for that matter. I place my hope in him as well, but I cannot say that I believe that he can be the miracle worker that he so claims as well as the rest of the believers. It will not magically disappear, rather it will take years of hard work, dedication, and somebody who has many ideas to fix our current conundrum.

The question is. Who has the great idea? The stimulus to fix us. I know I'm not the one, but it would be nice to be known as the savior.

And yet it always returns...

This ideology of faith in humanity no longer exists in my world. What is this idea of what is humane anyway? I'm tired of many things. I don't know how to go about anything anymore. Perhaps this idea of going into the real world is finally scaring me.

The Year of Change, I hope

This past year has sort of been a landslide for me. It has had its' ups and downs. More of a wave if anything, but with extremes rather than anything that is in between. This past year was one of the most challenging years that I have ever had to face, and yet I was able to get through it. That says much about how much I have changed. Maybe in positive ways, maybe in negative, but I have some optimism, and I like to think positive. My perspective is so much different than what it used to be, and I am so grateful for that.

The biggest thing that I am grateful for is my family. I am and will continue to be extremely close to my family. Due to the fact that this past year was a complete and utter challenge for me, I came to them for help. They are always here for me, and for that, I will always love them. It isn't just my immediate family either, it is my cousins, my aunts, and my uncles. The only thing that I wish is that I could have the same sort of bond with my family on my father's side. I guess it is a little bit hard considering that they live all over the place. I have become more and more close to my mother. She even agrees as well. She told me that becoming Buddhist has changed me for the better, and I would have to agree with her on that. Hell, I even got a tattoo on my forearm to remind me of the challenges that I faced and how I overcame them.

On the other hand, I feel that I am becoming more and more of a recluse. I do not feel the urge to hang out with my friends that I normally hang out with, and yet, I feel guilty at the same time. This is my last opportunity to be able to act like a college student and just have fun without all the responsibility of an "adult." Yet I have not been able to take advantage of it. Instead, I sit at home, all by myself, and attempt to entertain myself through immersion in a fake world of movies and television. Why do I do this? I want to hang out with these people, and yet something is holding me back. I'm not quite sure what it is. Maybe I should just force myself. Maybe I should give myself an excuse to go hang out with them. But this is a reciprocal relationship. They have not made the effort to contact me, so why even bother? I could be the bigger person though and attempt. My friendships with these people as well as the people back home have been questioned through trials and tribulations this past year. Maybe we are just in different points in our life that it is hard for me to associate with them anymore. I need to find someone that is different. Someone that I can feel comfortable with and that is at the same level that I am.

In addition to all of this, this new year has brought upon me new anxieties that I must cope with. A job. Finding a job in this economic crises has become a difficult task. I am trying my best to find one, and yet I find myself more depressed by the day about it. A good friend of mine warned me that when you are getting close to graduating or when you graduate you go through a depressive state because you don't know what to do. I wouldn't say that I didn't know what to do, in fact, I know exactly what I want to do, but how do I get up there? I guess I need to climb the corporate ladder, or in this case the hollywood/entertainment ladder. How do I go about this? I know I start from the bottom, but what jobs do I take? Maybe I should move somewhere else and start fresh. Yet, I know that it could be a incredibly difficult task given that I will be a poor college student when I graduate. I guess I just want to know my future, but again, this ambiguity is driving me crazy.

In Love and Compassion

I whine, I complain, and I bitch about my life. When in reality, what do I really have to complain about? Yes, I went through many trials and tribulations this year. Yes, I have been royally screwed over in many different ways. Yes, I've questioned so many things about my life because of all the events. But as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. So here I am. I am ready to face the world, I am stronger, and I am more mature.

I guess part of the change has to do with my recent spiritual transformation. I have been attending Buddhist classes for the past couple of months, and they have given me many revelations. It all makes so much sense when I think about it. Yet, all of it seems so simple. I recently got another tattoo on my right inside forearm to remind me of the teachings that I have gained and will continue to gain. I think my relationship with many have changed because of this. Through adversity brings a closer bond. I think this rings especially true with my family. I think I have grown so much closer to my mom, my estranged dad, and my brother. I cherish them so much more than I have before. All of us have bonded in a way that could have only happened through adversity.

Friends also help. Friends who understand the predicaments that you face, and that know what is going on. Not those that are still growing, those that are still not mature to tell me how it is. I have the pleasure of knowing people that I can always go to for great advice. This doesn't mean that I dislike or disregard my friends that are supposedly immature or have not grown. Those that give me advice are elders to me and thus have more experience and know more. They tell me how reality is, rather than letting myself distorting it in a negative manner, and I thank them for that.

For once in my life, I think I am heading toward a new direction. Although I feel old in the state that I am in right now, I am ready. I am feeling optimistic for once in my life. Even though challenges will always block my way, I am willing to face them.

Revelations? Possibly

What can I say about life since my last post. I guess I could sum it up in a couple of words, emotional turbulence, epiphany, rejoice, reverie, sadness, anxiety, panic, among others. I guess that is more than a couple of words, but really, it needed to be said. All said and done, I believe that I am at a better stage in my life than I have been in the past couple of months. To describe the past couple of months for me would be somewhat of a cumbersome task. It has been the most difficult experiences that I have ever faced in my life. I have never been so emotionally, mentally, and physically drained in my life, and yet, I would face it all over again. These experiences have taught me much about life. Perhaps these well taught lessons were brought about by pain, but at least I have come to grow from them rather than be ignorant about them.

Life can be so unexpected. I find it hard to understand that whatever deity there is up there decided to throw all of this upon me in such a short span of time. Maybe that deity just wanted me to grow up. Well it worked, I feel at my most mature state than I have ever felt in my entire life. I have always felt more mature than anybody else in my year, but year reaches a new level. I am over the immaturity that comes with college life. I am ready for the real world. I am ready to face a new experience. I am ready to be on my own. I am ready to face the difficulties of life without being a dependent.

I know that my family will always be there for me, and they are what I am most grateful for in my life. People speak of broken families, and I am proud to say that I have a family that cares very much for me. This does not just include my immediate family such as my mom, dad, and brother, but my cousins, aunts and uncles, and of course my loving nephews. I love them all so dearly, and I would not trade them for anything in the world. I could not say much about my father's side of the family, but I know those in my mother's side will do anything for me in times of need or misery. I have grown to go to them in times of trouble, and I will do the same for my nephews. I will always love my nephews and take care of them as best to my abilities. I have watched them grow up and I am still watching them grow up, and to me, this is an amazing feat. These kids mean the world to me. I think it would be sufficient enough to say that if I did not have my family, I would not have my soul. I thank that deity out there for giving me such a wonderful gift of my family when others do not have the same pleasure.

Lastly, the question of love always hangs above my head. I am ready for a commitment but I just have not found the right person. I am constantly thinking about starting a family of my own once I am comfortable in my professional career. Maybe it is because all my cousins around me are settling down, or are already settled down. I hope to find somebody that is worth it for me. I have come to realize that the person that my heart yearned for is undeserving of my attention. He has not only broken my heart, but he has used me. Part of me seeks vengeance, but the other part thinks that there is no point in that. I have changed. I am more complacent in comparison to the way I was before, and I will not act upon my anger. Instead I will face this issue with rationale rather than emotion. He is not worth my time anymore. Secretly I do still harbor some feelings for him, but I am slowly letting go of them. Thankfully I am unable to return home to Torrance for the next couple of weeks, and I believe that not being able to see him will help me in my healing process. I deserve better, I know I could do better, and one day it will come to me. For now, maybe I should stop seeking and instead focus on what is more important in my life.

Right now, my two biggest priorities in life is finding a job and my academics. I have also had a creative flourishing as I have been writing music and I have been working on a feature length screenplay. I guess these act as distractions from my wandering mind. They offer solace in times of distress. Through my music and my screenplay I can let go of some of the problems that plague me everyday. I guess in conclusion I can not really complain. In a song that I have written, part of the lyrics goes like this:

These bitter ghosts of past and present reflections
They haunt me during nights of restlessness

I guess I should continue on with those lyrics by adding on:

But they have shaped me to be the better person that I am today

What a quandary....

I find myself a mess in someways. I find attachment a hard thing to get past. I was crushed, I was heartbroken, and now things are supposedly fixed, but really are they? My heart tells me to do something about it, yet my rational mind tells me to leave things the way that they are. We settled things and I was fine with the outcome. Really I was...But now I yearn. I feel like I am being teased.

What I want, will I get it? I like him so. His presence gives me butterflies in my stomach. When we hang out, it feels like time just flies by. I don't understand why I feel this way towards a person that has hurt me terribly, and yet I have forgiven him, because he is genuine. I have never been attracted to such a person. Maybe it is because he is torn just like I am. Maybe his fragility is something that I can relate to. Or maybe it is simply that our personalities and interests are very much the same. The one question I ask myself is this, what do I do about it? My heart aches everyday. I wait for his texts, I wait for his call. I wait for a response. I constantly check my cell phone like I'm obsessed. And maybe, just maybe, I am.

Stay rational Audrey...In the end, it will pay off. Don't act on emotion, it will lead you array.

Diving Down the Deep End

Is it just me or is everyday so monotonous? I feel as if there is no change in my life and nothing to look forward too. The tides are not changing, rather they are flowing at a very slow pace. I wish for something different, something to excite me, but it seems that nothing can. Is it my own apathy? Or is it the world that I have created giving me this extreme sense of boredom and uselessness? What to do...

I need an answer. I feel like everything has no purpose or sense. Everything I do in life, will it really make it a difference? Are my ambitions as strong as I believe it to be? Perhaps, or perhaps not. I want to figure this all out. I am trying my hardest to make my life more exciting, but it doesn't appear to be the case. Same shit, different day as they say. I feel like the protagonist in the movie Office Space. Done with everything, done with all of this, in search of something different and new.

There is one thing I want. Something I would like. Something that I want so badly. But wanting won't get me it. I need to search for answers. I thought I was over it, but perhaps I'm not. My heart yearns for more, but I lack the ability to get it. My heart won't stop. It cries for it. What has happened to me? My senses have crumbled, my sensibilities are no longer working properly. I know the correct answer, and yet, I don't want that. I want the other. The wrong. The one that would be rationally wrong to pursue.

I guess all I need to do now is graduate and find a job. But does it really get better? No....I already know that as fact.

A Dirge for Society and a Praise for Inner Beauty

The ultimate conclusion that I have come to realize of all my dissatisfaction is due to my materialistic approach to my life. My wants, my superficial qualities that I can't rid myself of. Alas, this is not ultimately my fault, so to speak. When the media and all around you tells you that you must want this and that to be happy, it is hard to ignore such a loud voice. These ideals are so ingrained in our head, that we can't fully see past it. A wall is thus built in front of us, that allows us to continually believe in such a manifestation that will ultimately lead to unhappiness. We are zombies in a sense, zombies to the media, zombies to the superficiality that we believe will make us happy. What we need is a sense of inner peace. The ability to be able to find inner happiness with ourselves as well as others, because in the end, isn't that what is ultimately going to create a better person within ourselves as well as eternal bliss? I vie for that. We can't help but swallow that which has been hammered down on us for our whole entire lives, and people can't help but do it to us, its' their jobs. They are just following the corporate order and the order that our society has thrust upon us.

I'm not saying do not look for that job, do not buy that purse, or do not get that car. Ultimately what I am trying to say is that, perhaps once, we should look inside ourselves to try to bring happiness from within as well as to the benefit of others. If we help others, doesn't that create a sense of euphoria within ourselves as well as the other person? We still require some materialism in our lives, especially in this modern age. Since we are now too attached to it, it is now too far for us to rid ourselves of it completely. But the problem with this modern age is that society as a whole is much too self centered and selfish to see past it, and see the benefits of inner tranquility as well as helping others. We become too focused on these goals that society has told us we need to accomplish, and thus we never think about what the mind really wants. Does the mind really want all of this? Our human bodies have not changed significantly since our cavemen past. In fact, our bodies are identical to that of the past. With all these changes in technology and modernity, arises more health problems that our bodies are not adapted too. This is why we need to think more about us on the inside. Why make life worse for ourselves?

So I pose this challenge. Look inside ourselves. What do we really want out of life? We can't completely destroy our innermost material desires, but at least we can regulate it. We can see past it somewhat if we really do try. So live your lives. Live it to the fullest, but remember that what society has defined as ultimate bliss and satisfaction may not necessarily be so. I am slowly coming to that realization. My mind was so ingrained in modernity and society as many others still are. Reach out to yourself and others, and maybe then, you can find that inner peace and tranquility that everyone as well as yourself desires.

What it is...

When you wish for something and want it so bad, it never works out. God teases you for a little bit and then he throws it down the drain.

That's how I feel my life is. That's how it's always going to be and it's never going to change.....

The Times, They be a Changing

Much has happened since my last post. I have come upon several grand epiphanies that will affect my life profoundly. Recent events have been quite dramatic to say the least. Some good, some of which have been bad, but in a sense, has created a better me. Or at least, my perception of a better me.

I have realized two vital things, one of which is that, those that you believe that you will have a lifetime relationship with is no longer plausible. People grow and mature in different directions once they have separated from each. Maturation is only achieved with those that you are with more. Those that you have experienced so much with. Those that understand you, and those that from the heart, will always be there for you no matter what. Those are the people that no matter what I do wrong, they will still stand up for me. They will fight for me, and I know deep down in my heart that they always will. These are the people that I am willing to fight for as well. The love that we have for each other is reciprocal. Those that have not matured in the same manner as me are now in a different path. They have different perspectives on life in comparison to me, and in the end, we will never agree. I have come to the conclusion, that no matter how hard I fight it, I have lost something with that group of people. No matter what, it will never be the same, and I will have to treat that group differently from the ones that really matter. I guess in the end my mother's advice was right all alone. I never wanted to believe her, but an elder's advice is always the best I suppose.

My second grand epiphany revolves around my family. I have never appreciated my family so much. They are my life line, they are my blood. If I could only choose one thing on this Earth to have left, I would choose them. This does not include my immediate family but this also includes my cousins and my aunts and uncles. I am specifically speaking about my mother's side. My family on my mother's side is very close with each other. We are almost like brothers and sisters. I appreciate them so much for being in my life and for loving me, and taking care of me. I know that they will always listen to me and give me advice when I need it, not to mention be there for me. I have never loved my family so much in my entire life. Not to mention, my nephews have also severely impacted the way I am. I have come to realize that I am happiest when I am around them, when I am playing with them. No matter what they do, they always bring a smile to my face. I enjoy that the most out of life, being able to make them laugh and have fun with them. To me, they are the sunshine in my heart. I know that sounds kind of cheesy, but they really are. I love those kids to death. Especially my little Ryan in Seattle. I almost cried when I had to leave him from my last visit. I could not help but stare at him. I enjoy his company way too much. I just want to watch him grow up, and be his best friend. Family in the end is my life, and my life is my family.

The other significant change in my life is in the realm of love, if you could call it that. I have recently met someone special to me. This person makes me happy. He treats me very well, and respects me. We share many of the same interests. Right now we are dating, but I hope that eventually it will be taken to a more serious level. I never thought that it could happen so fast, but I guess it can. This guy came out of nowhere, but now I really do like him so. We talk all the time even though it is somewhat of a long distance relationship. I hope for the best in this.

I guess life for once is treating me somewhat better. All of these truths and recent events have made me more aware of myself as a person and has changed me for the better. Although I have lost in some of this, in the end, I have gained in the long run.