The Void

I find it hard to breath. I find it hard to enjoy myself although surrounded by those are beloved to me, I can't find a way to clear the void into my own enjoyment. I constantly think about that which has no answer, that which never can give me a simple and correct "yes or no." I like to dwell. Dwelling is a constant struggle for me as I dive deeper into my own cataclysmic end. Sometimes I wish all of it would end just instantaneously. Not in the manner of the otherly world, but in the sense that everything would be calm and peaceful. I never find the peace that I seek in my mind and I constantly only ponder the negative in my life. Is there any positivity in my existence to date? I know there is, and yet I don't see any of my accomplishments as evidence of my gifts to the world. I feel like I only take.

I wish I had the determinism that some people have. I wish I had a dream that I could follow through with. Everyone deals with the same problem, the feeling of being lost especially at a turning point in their lives. My own sad existences yearns to learn the meaning of it all right now, and that is impossible to find. It will come to me one day, but I am impatient. I seek the answers to all my ambiguities in one moment but find it hard to come across when my mind itself never can come upon one answer to anything that satisfies my hunger for knowledge.

I guess I just feel numb. Numb to everything. Numb to both the positive and the negative aspects of my life. I wake up every morning feeling like nothing. As if my spirit was non existent and that I myself am just a corpse, vacant, and robotic, doing the same programmed tasks every single day. Whats the difference between a Monday or any other day? Absolutely nothing. If you take a look at it as an instant, it all is the same. Is there a way to make me feel? A way to make me feel hopeful about the world and maybe hopeful about my future when everything appears so bleak. There are some times of excitement, some artifice of euphoria. Those are only superficial blinks in my life though. The smallest of blips in the world that is my life. I guess I just need to appreciate those moments. Maybe dwell upon a moment where I felt true happiness and not just one that was artificial, not one in which I was under the influence. Maybe just maybe, those moments in my life in which I treasure can give me the escape that I desire.

Just maybe.....

Should have, Could have, Cannnot....

Again, I am an idiot. Why did I not realize it sooner? I think I am lonely because all that are around me have somebody. All of my best friends have a significant other that they are serious with. This causes me to feel like a third wheel or at least left behind. Even though I am not necessarily left behind, it is as if I crave the attention that we had before. Perhaps it is a sense of jealously in a sheer friendship manner. I want my friends to be my friends and it is as if I am incapable of sharing. Perhaps my selfish ways have pervaded me in so many different ways and forms. I look at myself, how I was raised, and how my mom treats me. I certainly am spoiled. I do get the attention as if I was a single child, and maybe that created my own selfishness. I am not necessarily completely selfish. I do care for others as they care for me, and I still will do for others as they do for me. But maybe my jealously and selfishness lies in the attention I seek. Perhaps as a child I was neglected. I know at moments I feel that I had been.

It was hard for my mom, I know it. She had to raise two small children and her parents all by herself. Her independence inspires me to a degree. Her work ethic and her strength continues to astound me to this day. Maybe this is why I seek the attention that I never really had as a child. I still remember those painful memories. Those of the school yard, those that forever haunt my mind and become my nightmares, my fears. As I said before, rejection is my ultimate fear, and lack of attention somewhat feels like a rejection to me though it may not be the ultimate manifestation of rejection. It doesn't help that I never had a father figure in my life and my mother had too much to do to give us the amount of love and care that we needed as children. Is this why my brother and I turned out the way we did? So full of emotion, so attuned to our senses, and in a way weaker than we were meant to turn out to be. I put on a face, but I see it on my brother. I see his powerlessness, his weakness, his inability to fight against his nastiest memories, pains, and fears. I wish I could give him the strength to do so, yet I don't have it either.

I lacked the attention as a child and now I require it in insurmountable amounts. I get jealous, and I am selfish, but isn't everyone? My father was never here for me, and my mother never gave me affection. I think most of that explains it right there. I guess this is how it all is, whatever deity there is out there gives us certain strengths and weaknesses, and shapes us into the way we are. Whatever higher plan is for me, I hope it all works out in the end. I hope things are for the better, I'm tired of the current. I need a drastic change, and I need to adjust. I guess I just blame myself for everything, in the end, it is usually always my fault anyway. Stop.

An all too familiar feeling

I can't really explain how I feel except that all I know is that I feel that I am all alone in this desperate state of affairs. I feel so alone. My one fear feels like it has come true, the one thing that I attempt to avoid at all costs has finally hit me flat on in the face. It feels as if no one is ever there for me or bothers to even care, although I know they do. People do show their affections in different ways, perhaps it is there neglect that really does portray some sort of care for a person. They do not need to physically show it, but it is there. I am surrounded by a environment that thrives upon sociability and yet I cannot let myself bask in it. I lose myself. I am losing myself. I am losing myself from everyone.

My environment is causing my destruction. It seems that change has only offered me a turn for the worse rather than a euphoria that I was hoping for. I wished for a change, I wished for my happiness, and yet I never get it. I get splurges of energetic yet superficial happiness, and within seconds I fall back into despair. It never seems to end for me. What do I want? What do I feel? I feel so conflicted all the time and I continually still blame myself. I just need to get used to this. This lack of privacy, this change in environment. What do I do know? Change can be a good thing as people say, but I fear it the most. Perhaps all I need is time. Time heals but it can also destroy even more so.

All I know is one thing, despite the fact that I am surrounded by those that supposedly love and care for me, I have never felt so alone in my entire life......