Ripples

A feeling of restlessness... Perhaps created?? Perhaps intrinsic?? Everyday a dull hum in my continual cycle of monotony...

Understanding more and more what life is... Monotony after monotony... Cyclical and mundane... Maybe I'm becoming a Nihilist... Maybe I'm just a realist... Maybe this is what it is, and life is finally settling into what it is supposed to be. Somehow I doubt that though. Somehow I find it hard to swallow. When one emanates ambition and a willingness for success, one must somehow achieve said goal. Perhaps this is reality and I have been living in a dream all along. Perhaps...


Regardless, this I know for sure, a change is a necessity in order to cure myself from my so called cabin fever.

As the wheels churn...

My proclamation is simple and that is to work on me for me... I believe I stated this in my last post as I was losing track of what it is to be and how to truly define myself. I was putting myself in others when in reality I needed to control self. Truly I am a people person, and seemingly so, one of my biggest fears is being alone.

Alas I have been working on self as of late and trying not to focus on others. This in itself can be quite a task coming from me. New people are coming into my life and for that I am truly blessed. People that I can foresee a wonderful future with. Yet it makes me digress from my main objective on achieving my own personal goals.

I need to get out of the hole that I have currently placed myself in. I blame it on karma, on the universe, and everything else but myself when in reality, I have myself to blame as well. This is my time. Stop this sluggard approach and get on it.

A Cliche

I am first and foremost whole heartedly against cliches and silly sayings, but perhaps in this case, the phrase "everything happens for a reason" happens to ring true.

My life was not in the direction I wanted to go. As of now, it isn't either, but at least I am willing to progress and move on. I have a better understanding of self than I have ever known before. Well... At least how I believe it to be....

I know what path I should follow in order to create the happiness that I ultimately need/want for myself. All in all, bliss comes first when one is happy with oneself first. It may sound selfish, but how can one please others when one is not satisfied with self?

I am still scarred... I am still hurt... But more than ever, this scar has allowed me to move on and march forward. From now on, I drum to my own beat. Maybe then I will know what true happiness is and satisfaction of self. For now, I can only make the decisions that will lead me to that point.

Numb

If this is heart break then it could quite possibly be the worst feeling that I have ever encountered... It could have ended worse... It could have been better... But alas, I only feel the stabbing pain of it... I hope and wish for the best.. But that in itself is to be determined...

Torn

I am torn between what my heart tells me and what my logic tells me. Perhaps it isn't a question of mind over heart but simply a matter of what is the best for me and what isn't. Should I continue or should I stop? Will my continual addiction feed my eventual demise? Will I end up broken in the end?

Suffice to say, far too much has occurred and thus pain is inevitable, but hopefully it will scar less than how it shall feel. I know this much...

A halt

Often I would wonder about my consequences and my destiny... For the past couple of years I often complained about my tragedies... I believed that my tragedies always seemed to circumvent and over power my blessings. In reality, this would be the exact opposite effect. For, my blessings have created the strong person I am today. Circumstances may not have occurred the way I have imagined it which has ultimately me a more disgruntled person, but alas, what am I to do but to accept them from what they are. I am still alive, I am still breathing, my gifts far outweigh my shortcomings and yet here I am....

I am blessed. I am loved. I have been graced with more than I could possibly imagine. Perhaps it is selfish to wish for more. To wish for more in a different sense, but perhaps I have not reached my full capacity... Until then, I await....

Somehow I wonder

Sometimes I wonder what is my purpose... Am I finding my worth? Am I finding my calling? Am I on the right path?

It seems that bittersweet destiny likes to make a folly of me. For I question and I question, I try and I try, yet there is never an answer. Perhaps this is life, perhaps this is the cruel sweet truth of destiny. Perhaps I am in the wrong. Or maybe, it's as simple as it sounds.. It just is... Why even question??

It seems I am getting my priorities all tied up. What should be the most important has somehow fallen in place. This needs to be recuperated. This needs to be fixed. For I am my own worst enemy, and I alone am the only one that can change that.

Your presence, becomes a sense of solace in my delirium
An essence of ever calming nectar to my weary ridden soul

Exploring the Infinite Depths...

Ahh here I lie in a comatose state.... Exploring... Defining... Searching...

Looking through my inner soul, the darkest depths, the smallest crevices, and trying to find what lies hidden. A paradigm needs to be solved, a paradox waiting to be found. Soul searching could be the term... A quest to find myself could be the other... I shall continue this search from high to low, from the infinite to the beyond... I shall not waste any time...


Much is to be pondered... Much is to be wondered... Much is a quandary... Much is a riddle....

Will I succeed? Only time shall tell....

The Hunger

Funny how life works its' magic... I must admit, 2010, will be an interesting year. An interesting year indeed...

I must admit, I yearn, and I want. I want something that seems so unattainable, but yet I cannot stop thinking about it. I like to think of it as a hunger of sorts. The hunger of wanting something so badly yet you know your chances are slim to none.

I want this so bad I will do almost anything... Almost.....

Come good tidings, I await thee in this time of new ventures

Hello there blog, long time no see! I hope you are well, for I am ok, I could be better. Yet again, I shall not complain because "ok" is better than bad. I should be thankful for what has been given to me versus greedy for what I do not have that I want. Now I digress... The real point of this post is discuss the situation at hand. It is coming close, almost a year that I have graduated and boy is it strange going this long without any sort of proper academic schooling. I must admit, I imagined things to be a tid bit different... Who am I kidding.. I imagined it to be much different from the way it is right now.

Yet again, who am I to comment on the path that I have chosen.. It was made for me. It was designed for me. I can change it instantaneously with my choices, but then again, how would I ever know what is to happen next? I can't help the forces that create us, that manage us, that choose the life that we make of ourselves. One thing I know for a fact is that I am in a bump in my life to say the least. Most likely it is because I have placed too much of a higher expectation of myself. I am a dreamer, what can I say. I can't stop being a dreamer. My overactive imagination has created these goals and impressions of myself that I currently cannot fulfill. Or perhaps that is my belief that I cannot fulfill said goal?? I do not know. One thing is for sure, I do lack the motivation to do so. I find it so hard to gather the strength to do anything that could further my career anymore. It is almost as if I have given up and I accept my position in life. I am stuck in my rut, and apparently there is nothing I could do about it.

I know these beliefs are all false. There is plenty I can do. The question is, how do I change this viewpoint of myself? My persona has lost it's will. I have almost lost my will to fight being stuck in this gaping rut for so long. I'm trapped in my own prison, my mind, my environment, and everything in between. Perhaps I just got to start worrying about myself... They say worry brings about action. I have been rather stressed lately about this issue. It obviously isn't a good feeling to always be worried, anxious, and stressed about your life.

Maybe it's because I aim too high in my life. Too high for the current economy, the current times, the current state I am. Maybe my dreams are just way too unrealistic for the time being. This is also a plausibility. I am not saying that I should abandon my dreams and give up all hope, but just take it one step at a time to finally achieve what I've always dreamed for. I'm not going to get a free hand-out and get everything I want with a snap of a finger. The sooner I realize this, the sooner I'll be better... Baby steps... That's all it takes... And now for step 1....

Forsaken!! Oh Forsaken!!

I was told about the confusion, the dilemma, so to speak, when you're out of school. You're clueless, what do you do? Your whole life was simple, now it's just so complicated, a paradigm if you will. Well, I believed it. I was told what would happen, but I was just unsure of what exactly would happen to me. Every experience is different as one would say, but what am I to expect? They throw you out with nothing. No one. Nothing, silence, ambiguity. I sit. I wait. I take the little that I have learned and try to apply it to my environment, and alas, I am unsuccessful.

Ahh to be taken back to those days. Those days when everything was almost automatic, a robotic sort of way. Serene. Uncomplicated. Simple. My path was clear and it was straight. Someone was always holding my hand, and guiding me to my destination. Now they have let go. I am on my own. My own wake within the fold. Still I stand, just staring. All these questions I have. All these complexities that I ask myself. I thought I knew, but doesn't everyone? So many different roads for me to take, so to speak, yet none offer one clear path. I sit down, shaking. Unable to commit, unable to make a decision. I question which is the right path, but is there even one?

My mind, a paradox, my feelings, are often in disarray. So I contemplate, and I contemplate some more. It does a body good so to speak or does it leave it lost in the woods. My commitment lacks. My disappointment in myself grows. Why can't I set myself on the right path? Why can't I push myself as much as I did before? Perhaps I've lost my fire. Perhaps I've lost my faith. Perhaps, just perhaps, I'm asking for guidance. Though none is apparent. Maybe, just maybe, I need to find this one on my own...

A favor perhaps?

I need a life.

Can someone give me one?


The end.

N/A

It's a strange incessant feeling. One that doesn't seem to make any sense. It ticks away at me like a clock, always working its' way out. How can I stop it? No I do not know. I know how to make it feel better, but the more I think about it, I push myself away. I am straying myself away from sanity. I am falling deeper and deeper into a hole. I would like to seek the help of others. Yet I cannot bring myself to do so. I desire to make things better, to have it make sense again. But what do I do but screw it up. Only to worsen it more than ever. I have let so many down. So many of those the peers that I respect the most. I cannot even bring myself to say a simple "sorry." An apology straight from the heart. I might be a monster, I might be inconsiderate. In the end, we're all human aren't we? Our fallacies are just another trait that makes us what we are. This is so ambiguous that it beats me down so. I wish I could muster up the courage to do what my heart tells me so. Alas, I am a coward, and forever a coward I shall remain.

The Ambiguity of it all

I guess I haven't posted in a bit, at least for me. I've had an interesting time in the past few months. As school winded down, I dealt with a little bit of a love interest, some drama, and just worry for my life as a post grad. I guess as it all culminated, my confidence took the best of me, and I didn't feel that finding a job would be that difficult for me. Well, my confidence is slapping me in the face, and I, well I, truly do deserve it.

Exploring the Downward Spiral

This does not just apply to me, but to everyone, especially the people graduating this year like me. It sucks...Truly it does. We're graduating in one of the worst years possible. How are we to find a job in an economic situation like this? I know that I've already had a rough time. I'm done in about a month and a half and I'm scared already. If only I had graduated a year earlier, or two, I would be in a mess, but not so much of a mess. I have already applied to some positions in some large tv/film corporations, but so far, no responses, except for one which automatically rejected me. My first job rejection. I guess you can count that as a momentous occasion for me. At least in the most despondent of ways. What do I expect though? Everyone is cutting back on jobs and hours. Everyone is scared. It's not even our country either. Everyone is suffering around the world. The corporate pigs that feed off of us are only getting richer, while the lower classes just suffer more. Degrees do not even matter anymore. What's the point? Everyone is fighting for position A because they need the money, and everyone has the same amount of experience as well as education as everyone else. Position A will be filled by Joe Schmo from god knows where, and you'll be left there with nothing. Keep searching I suppose. Giving up is never an option, especially when your futue depends on it.

I on the other hand, would really like to do the peace corps. Unfortunately I know that since many people are feeling the beating hands of the economy, they are going to try to do the same thing as me. My reason for wanting to do the peace corps is not because of the financial crises that we are currently facing, rather, it is for my own improvement and my dedication to doing something better for this world. I would love to work in Africa. Africa is such a beautiful place with wonderful people and blossoming cultures. I have never been there, but I study Africa and I am so infatuated with it. My dream would be to live with a tribe for a year or two, study them, and make a documentary. Let's hope. The peace corp application is quite ridiculous though. I still need about one and a half to two years of experience. Once submitted, the application goes through another six to nine month process and then you find out. This means, it could be up to three years or three and a half. I think it would be worth it. Perhaps I'll find a job (if I can even get any) and do the work I need to do while at that job.

I feel sorry for Obama. Sorry for any president at this moment in time. We place high hopes on him. We would have placed high hopes on anyone that is elected. Yet, if he does not fulfill that, it will all go down. This idea is stupid to me. How could one place so much hope in one man when it is impossible for one man to accomplish the paradigm of our generation? The worst economic slump in decades. What is he to do? As an icon for our country, he is the one that suffers the most. He is the one that is blamed for everything. I am not saying that I dislike Obama or anything for that matter. I place my hope in him as well, but I cannot say that I believe that he can be the miracle worker that he so claims as well as the rest of the believers. It will not magically disappear, rather it will take years of hard work, dedication, and somebody who has many ideas to fix our current conundrum.

The question is. Who has the great idea? The stimulus to fix us. I know I'm not the one, but it would be nice to be known as the savior.

And yet it always returns...

This ideology of faith in humanity no longer exists in my world. What is this idea of what is humane anyway? I'm tired of many things. I don't know how to go about anything anymore. Perhaps this idea of going into the real world is finally scaring me.

The Year of Change, I hope

This past year has sort of been a landslide for me. It has had its' ups and downs. More of a wave if anything, but with extremes rather than anything that is in between. This past year was one of the most challenging years that I have ever had to face, and yet I was able to get through it. That says much about how much I have changed. Maybe in positive ways, maybe in negative, but I have some optimism, and I like to think positive. My perspective is so much different than what it used to be, and I am so grateful for that.

The biggest thing that I am grateful for is my family. I am and will continue to be extremely close to my family. Due to the fact that this past year was a complete and utter challenge for me, I came to them for help. They are always here for me, and for that, I will always love them. It isn't just my immediate family either, it is my cousins, my aunts, and my uncles. The only thing that I wish is that I could have the same sort of bond with my family on my father's side. I guess it is a little bit hard considering that they live all over the place. I have become more and more close to my mother. She even agrees as well. She told me that becoming Buddhist has changed me for the better, and I would have to agree with her on that. Hell, I even got a tattoo on my forearm to remind me of the challenges that I faced and how I overcame them.

On the other hand, I feel that I am becoming more and more of a recluse. I do not feel the urge to hang out with my friends that I normally hang out with, and yet, I feel guilty at the same time. This is my last opportunity to be able to act like a college student and just have fun without all the responsibility of an "adult." Yet I have not been able to take advantage of it. Instead, I sit at home, all by myself, and attempt to entertain myself through immersion in a fake world of movies and television. Why do I do this? I want to hang out with these people, and yet something is holding me back. I'm not quite sure what it is. Maybe I should just force myself. Maybe I should give myself an excuse to go hang out with them. But this is a reciprocal relationship. They have not made the effort to contact me, so why even bother? I could be the bigger person though and attempt. My friendships with these people as well as the people back home have been questioned through trials and tribulations this past year. Maybe we are just in different points in our life that it is hard for me to associate with them anymore. I need to find someone that is different. Someone that I can feel comfortable with and that is at the same level that I am.

In addition to all of this, this new year has brought upon me new anxieties that I must cope with. A job. Finding a job in this economic crises has become a difficult task. I am trying my best to find one, and yet I find myself more depressed by the day about it. A good friend of mine warned me that when you are getting close to graduating or when you graduate you go through a depressive state because you don't know what to do. I wouldn't say that I didn't know what to do, in fact, I know exactly what I want to do, but how do I get up there? I guess I need to climb the corporate ladder, or in this case the hollywood/entertainment ladder. How do I go about this? I know I start from the bottom, but what jobs do I take? Maybe I should move somewhere else and start fresh. Yet, I know that it could be a incredibly difficult task given that I will be a poor college student when I graduate. I guess I just want to know my future, but again, this ambiguity is driving me crazy.

In Love and Compassion

I whine, I complain, and I bitch about my life. When in reality, what do I really have to complain about? Yes, I went through many trials and tribulations this year. Yes, I have been royally screwed over in many different ways. Yes, I've questioned so many things about my life because of all the events. But as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. So here I am. I am ready to face the world, I am stronger, and I am more mature.

I guess part of the change has to do with my recent spiritual transformation. I have been attending Buddhist classes for the past couple of months, and they have given me many revelations. It all makes so much sense when I think about it. Yet, all of it seems so simple. I recently got another tattoo on my right inside forearm to remind me of the teachings that I have gained and will continue to gain. I think my relationship with many have changed because of this. Through adversity brings a closer bond. I think this rings especially true with my family. I think I have grown so much closer to my mom, my estranged dad, and my brother. I cherish them so much more than I have before. All of us have bonded in a way that could have only happened through adversity.

Friends also help. Friends who understand the predicaments that you face, and that know what is going on. Not those that are still growing, those that are still not mature to tell me how it is. I have the pleasure of knowing people that I can always go to for great advice. This doesn't mean that I dislike or disregard my friends that are supposedly immature or have not grown. Those that give me advice are elders to me and thus have more experience and know more. They tell me how reality is, rather than letting myself distorting it in a negative manner, and I thank them for that.

For once in my life, I think I am heading toward a new direction. Although I feel old in the state that I am in right now, I am ready. I am feeling optimistic for once in my life. Even though challenges will always block my way, I am willing to face them.

Revelations? Possibly

What can I say about life since my last post. I guess I could sum it up in a couple of words, emotional turbulence, epiphany, rejoice, reverie, sadness, anxiety, panic, among others. I guess that is more than a couple of words, but really, it needed to be said. All said and done, I believe that I am at a better stage in my life than I have been in the past couple of months. To describe the past couple of months for me would be somewhat of a cumbersome task. It has been the most difficult experiences that I have ever faced in my life. I have never been so emotionally, mentally, and physically drained in my life, and yet, I would face it all over again. These experiences have taught me much about life. Perhaps these well taught lessons were brought about by pain, but at least I have come to grow from them rather than be ignorant about them.

Life can be so unexpected. I find it hard to understand that whatever deity there is up there decided to throw all of this upon me in such a short span of time. Maybe that deity just wanted me to grow up. Well it worked, I feel at my most mature state than I have ever felt in my entire life. I have always felt more mature than anybody else in my year, but year reaches a new level. I am over the immaturity that comes with college life. I am ready for the real world. I am ready to face a new experience. I am ready to be on my own. I am ready to face the difficulties of life without being a dependent.

I know that my family will always be there for me, and they are what I am most grateful for in my life. People speak of broken families, and I am proud to say that I have a family that cares very much for me. This does not just include my immediate family such as my mom, dad, and brother, but my cousins, aunts and uncles, and of course my loving nephews. I love them all so dearly, and I would not trade them for anything in the world. I could not say much about my father's side of the family, but I know those in my mother's side will do anything for me in times of need or misery. I have grown to go to them in times of trouble, and I will do the same for my nephews. I will always love my nephews and take care of them as best to my abilities. I have watched them grow up and I am still watching them grow up, and to me, this is an amazing feat. These kids mean the world to me. I think it would be sufficient enough to say that if I did not have my family, I would not have my soul. I thank that deity out there for giving me such a wonderful gift of my family when others do not have the same pleasure.

Lastly, the question of love always hangs above my head. I am ready for a commitment but I just have not found the right person. I am constantly thinking about starting a family of my own once I am comfortable in my professional career. Maybe it is because all my cousins around me are settling down, or are already settled down. I hope to find somebody that is worth it for me. I have come to realize that the person that my heart yearned for is undeserving of my attention. He has not only broken my heart, but he has used me. Part of me seeks vengeance, but the other part thinks that there is no point in that. I have changed. I am more complacent in comparison to the way I was before, and I will not act upon my anger. Instead I will face this issue with rationale rather than emotion. He is not worth my time anymore. Secretly I do still harbor some feelings for him, but I am slowly letting go of them. Thankfully I am unable to return home to Torrance for the next couple of weeks, and I believe that not being able to see him will help me in my healing process. I deserve better, I know I could do better, and one day it will come to me. For now, maybe I should stop seeking and instead focus on what is more important in my life.

Right now, my two biggest priorities in life is finding a job and my academics. I have also had a creative flourishing as I have been writing music and I have been working on a feature length screenplay. I guess these act as distractions from my wandering mind. They offer solace in times of distress. Through my music and my screenplay I can let go of some of the problems that plague me everyday. I guess in conclusion I can not really complain. In a song that I have written, part of the lyrics goes like this:

These bitter ghosts of past and present reflections
They haunt me during nights of restlessness

I guess I should continue on with those lyrics by adding on:

But they have shaped me to be the better person that I am today