My last post, I had all these expectations for myself. Suffice to say, I would say that so far, none of them have lived up to what I have expected... Well maybe all except one... But only because it has not happened yet and will not until I'm done with my masters program.. My relationship... Well that crumbled... I'm still in limbo with the status of whether or not friendship can exist or not. I'm assuming friendship will exist because I want it to. This person still matters to me, and I still care and love them. Perhaps only in a platonic matter now, but even then it's questionable... This person has recently reached out to me, which honestly had me freaked out. However, now I think I'm fine with it. If this person wanted to get back together, I know it would be a horrible idea, and that I should say no... Yet part of me knows that I lack the strength and wish for something that I once had... No, I must be strong. I must be true to myself. I know the consequences, and yet somehow I'm willing to face them. Actions speak louder than words perhaps, so maybe I should just await to see what happens.
My exercise regiment has not even fully begin... I think I'm recently starting to get back into it. I feel good about it, but the question is will I be adamant about doing it? My laziness often supersedes my ability to actually be active... It's sad really... I look at myself now, and wonder what happened? I used to be in shape, and now I'm just a blob, ready to be molded. However, my friend did introduce me to a new workout regiment that I am honestly quite fond of. Perhaps this time it shall work out. Yet my pessimism starts to kick in, and I wonder if it really will....
School on the other hand has been rather lackluster. I lack the drive that I once had during fall semester. Maybe it's because now I know how classes work, and I'm not freaked out anymore. I know now how to handle my classes at bare minimum and still do rather decently. Well, at least in my opinion. I think the only thing I care about is my thesis film and getting that completed. In a program that is heavily focused on that, how could I care about anything else besides that? I need to work on it badly though. I need to get my focus back together. What can I do to get me back? What can I do to get the fervor I once had back? It constantly haunts me.... Yet wondering probably will do no good....
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Don't feel bad -- I shot my thesis film in college over two months, then took three full years to edit the damned thing. True, it was a documentary that needed tons of work to salvage, but still, three years???
But that's the thing about life --reality seldom matches up with one's expectations. And really, I think that's a mostly good thing. Real life usually turns out to be a lot more interesting -- and surprising -- than any perfect fiction we could dream up for ourselves. The journey IS the adventure, the medium of life IS the message... and there is no prize waiting at the end. There's just the end, so make the journey count -- but don't take it too seriously.
After all, it's just life.
Much as I hate corporate logos and marketing slogans, Nike has a point: Just Do It.
You'll be glad you did. And good luck on the film...
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