Woe the Ambiguities that Plague us all!

Back. Back to an existing reality that seems frozen in time and intangible. A sense of longing perhaps for a continued adventure, and yet exhaustion sets in when I think about it. My restless spirit yearns for more, a quest in the making. My soul cannot stay put in one place. It cannot be contained for I want more than I could possibly ask for. I crave. It is like an addiction. What do I want out of this? I want to be able to do so many all at once. I want to be able to accomplish everything that I could ever ask for.

My restlessness causes my unhappiness. My yearning for more just leads to dreaming and my dreaming leads to hope. Hope is a waste when it leads to absolutely nowhere. I am a dreamer at heart. A nonsensical one that dares to reach for the furthest possible object. One that cannot be ascertained, one that becomes utterly impossible when all rational logic is put upon it. I lack logic I suppose. My mind runs too fast for my own cognition to comprehend what it is saying. I guess I am irrational. I dream to soothe my pain. I dream to forget. I dream to believe that there is euphoria, but do I ever find it? No. Never. It never seems to come to me. It dulls me rather than excite me.

I just want to be able to feel. Apathy overwhelms me at all times. A corpse like feeling everyday of my life. I need to be reinvigorated. How though? I have everything that I could possibly ask for and I am grateful for that. But am I selfish in that I want more? Is that what could give me the energy I need to feel? Maybe the real problem is that I am unappreciative. I have been given the gift of many. Gifts that far many would want. I am in a very comfortable position and yet I seem incapable to feel something about it. Maybe I am just ungrateful. I am ungrateful and selfish. My desires outdo my own gratitude. I am an aggressive person to a degree and I desire the world. I know what I want out of life and that is to gain financial security, meaning, rich. I want to fight hard for that. At the same time, my humbleness gets in the way. My desire to change the world. My desire to do something that would complete my spirit. Does financial security really matter in the end?

I'm still not sure. It is a battle between the two. The money versus the philanthropy. I always question my future. I question it so much that it engulfs my mind most days. Why do I even do it? There is no way for me to find out, and yet I dwell on it. I am creating my own lunacy by doing so. I feel that I can control my future, but really who can? Why do I even try so hard to control it? Whatever deity out there can take it away as easily as given to me. This is why I work so hard at everything I do. This is why I try to surpass everyone else. I want to be given a secure future, but is it really worth it in the end? I'm not even sure of my path anymore. But I want to be. Ambiguity kills me and yet there is no way I can ever be sure. Stop. I need to stop caring. I need to stop wanting to know. Being ignorant perhaps is a good thing for me. As they say, curiosity killed the cat, and it would sure as hell kill me. Perhaps I should dwell upon what I have in the present. It never helps though...I always tell myself to not do things and yet I go back to doing it. It is a vicious circle that apparently never ends. I never listen to myself and yet I criticize myself for almost everything. What a debacle. I wish there was an easy solution, but then again, what would be the challenge? I wish I was a child again. No worries, no problems, no regrets. Ignorance truly is bliss. If I could, I would want to remain ignorant. Give me ignorance over knowledge. Maybe life would be more blissful and simple that way.