A Cry

It is hard for me to imagine myself incapable of thought. My brain overpowers me so much almost always that I find it so overwhelming. What do I think of? Everything and anything. I critically analyze almost everything possible furthermore I live in a world of dreams. Imagination is quite a limitless possibly. I hope for things that I crave, and yet I never attain them. I guess that is the irony of life. When you desire, it takes. Sometimes I feel myself slipping. Slipping away from those that supposedly care about me. I like to be alone. Yet loneliness is my worst enemy. In my own times of darkness I think about my life. I think about my regrets, my critics, my friends, everything about my own life that I find worth complaining about. In addition to that, I think philosophically. I analyze situations and I ask why? I put answers in questions that there probably could never even be an answer.

What is the point of this then? I want to deny my self conscious. I want to rid myself of all that plagues me. A dear friend told me that I can mold myself. It is not just genetically gifted upon me. Yes, I am prone to certain conditions, but this probably seems more than obvious. I guess her point was that if I can convince myself then things can change into what I want myself to be. What I desire. Desire never seems to work my way, does it? Life never is easy and I understand that issue, but I genuinely work hard at making a difference in my own self conscious yet it has been a hard and bitter battle.

Let go Audrey. Just let go. Perhaps I need some sort of self convincing. I need to build the confidence to convince myself to change. Let go of my ways and let the good change me for the better. I always feel like I hate myself. That I blame myself for everything in my life that has went wrong. How is it my fault in the first place? Why must I take in all burdens and create my own sufferings that engulf my whole word? My world is a dark pit. It is incapable of even the slightest bit of light. I find it hard to breathe. I find it hard to sleep. I find it hard to give myself rest. Insomnia is my other worst enemy. I think so much at night that I find it hard to sleep. I'm tired. I'm tired all the time. It ruins me.

Maybe I just pity myself. Maybe. Just maybe I need to stop this. I should believe in myself. That in itself is a confidence booster. Belief can bring the best in everyone. Maybe only then will I realize that I can do what I desire and crave and perhaps positivity will thus follow. Here on out, think about it. Think positively, not everything is the epitome of negativity. I need someone to help me......