A Paradigm of Jubilation

What a quandary it is to continue on with not an inkling of a motive or a hope for a future.

It is hard for me to keep myself up, to keep myself wanting something out of nothing. I tell myself to keep on wishing and perhaps one day it shall come true. But really, is this all life really has to offer? I have been granted many gifts in my lifetime, that I am willing to admit, but I feel that now of all times, I am in a desperate state of affairs. Whatever deity that exists out there, I feel like I am pleading. I am on my knees asking for a prayer, and yet none seems to ever be given to me. Is it my own fault? I consistently think it is. What am I doing wrong? I constantly analyze my motions, my expressions, my actions, my motives, and I try to change them but find it difficult to do so. My stubborn ways always win, and I am back to nothing.

Change. Change is the only thing that can ever make a difference. I tell myself to change, but it never really works. If my mind does not believe in it, how can my body act upon it? This higher deity loves to play tricks on me. The person who runs about one thousand thoughts per minute. That would be me. I am exhausted by my thoughts and I wish that it would stop, but yet I never give myself even a minutes worth of rest. What do I really want out of all of this? Something that I've been craving for so long and yet I have never had the opportunity to enjoy. A happiness. A pleasure. A spark. Something, anything. Something to make me care, something to make me happy. I want happiness is what I want in the end. Don't we all? Can't I get something as simple as that? Are my wants to large? I don't really think they are. In the end, I am more simple in my wants than I appear to be, and yet so complicated in many other ways.

I find myself wanting escape. An escape into the world out there and in more than one way, a journey to find myself. It sounds sort of cliche to say it, but I am an adventurer in the end, and I want to see the world. My spirit is awakening and calling out to the world, and yet I am inable to act upon it. I am trapped in my own little world, and frankly, it is getting quite claustrophobic. I crave the ability to just see everything that I want to see. I want to explore the vast cultures that are out there and to understand my own. I want a worldliness that not many people have. I do not want to be ignorant but remain as open and understanding as possible. I want to be able to live in the most remote location in the most primitive of settings. I want something that is bare to the bone, simple, to make me understand what it is really about. Gaining understanding may help me understand my own precarious situation. Maybe one day, I'll do it....I hope to do it and plan to do it. My soul craves something more out of this world, and yet I am unable to attain it.

Oh sweet rapture, when will you ever reach me?