As the weeks roll by

It has been awhile I must say. Much has happened within recent weeks, some good, some bad, but all in all, much is complex in my life as always.

I've been turning to my creative side for a sense of peace and serenity. I received a ukulele for my birthday in which some may think is a "stupid" instrument, but I quite frankly love it. I play it everyday. I find it a fun instrument that has a wonderful euphonious sound. I've also been getting back into my filmic roots by writing some scripts and directing a short with some friends of mine. We hope to shoot in the beginning of September. I guess I have not much to complain on this front, because this is what keeps me sane. But I must say that because I try to escape and diverge from reality, my schoolwork has been lacking. I realized this just recently, and decided that school of course should always take precedence over everything else. Perhaps I need a reality check and some form of motiviation for my education. I feel that it is somewhat lacking and perhaps not as meaningful to me as it used to be. I find everything else more stimulating but not my own education.

I have also pursued in interest in the religion of Buddhism. I guess I have never struck myself as being a very religious person, but I believe Buddhism to be a peaceful religion that can help me attain my self enlightenment. Perhaps an understanding of my own complex self. I consider Buddhism a philosophy of life as much as a religion, but perhaps that is the definition of religion. I am trying to use it to improve my personal life, my social life, as well as the troubles that I experience with my family. Maybe it can be useful for me to improve myself, those negative qualities that I would like to rid myself of. Budhism brings me a peace of mind. Whenever I attend class, I come out of it feeling like a different person, and yet when I return to the real world, all goes back to a normal stasis. I must practice I suppose and actually make use of the religion, but again, I have so much on my mind and much to do, that I find it hard to make time.

Love as always is a challenge in my life. I met a person but the paradox and complexities that is life started it off wonderfully and now has left me with nothing but time and a challenge. To pursue or not to pursue? I guess that is the question. People pose the question of "I could do better" but what do I really want? I guess the problem for me is better put in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in which the Jim Carrey character states that he falls in love with anyone who shows him the slightest bit of interest. Perhaps that is my problem. I lack the self esteem to build myself the confidence to push away when perhaps that person is not the right choice for me. And yet I feel I am at a state of desparation. I really would like someone in my life right now to just comfort me and hold me. Someone that doesn't necessarily have to fulfill all the requirements that people have for me, but somebody that I care for and is enough for me. This is what I feel about this person. We have similar tastes and could get along wonderfully. I know that he is interested in me and I the same. But the problem is communication. I guess only time will tell but for now my heart yearns for an answer. My frustrations are almost at a climax and I don't want to appear to be desparate, yet I feel that I am. Please don't do this to me, those dieites above that control my every movement. I know I do not deserve half of the things I have, but I ask for just one thing, and that is this. La amour, is something I have not experienced ever in my lifetime, and it may sound depressing and emo to say so, but for once, I would like to.

So sweet and bittersweet, perhaps la amour will appear before me one day, but only time can prove itself true.....