Simple Things

It takes the smallest of things for you to realize the largest of epiphanies. I really appreciate the person who actually sat me down and talked to me about my issues and made me realize a variety of problems that I have never confronted before.

I need to appreciate the people that I can trust more. I am finally starting to see who are my true friends. Maybe it is about time I devote more time to those people rather than those who really should not even matter in my life.

Maybe things are starting to look up. Maybe I can learn to appreciate what I've never been able to appreciate before.

I guess all I need is time.

Just Another Drive Back Home

I had a random encounter on my way back home Thursday night. I was dropping off my roommate in Woodland Hills so that her boyfriend could pick her up. Her boyfriend ended up being about 30 minutes late because he got pulled over. I decided to drive around instead of just waiting there. My roommate insisted on me leaving her, but how could I leave a girl by herself at a gas station at 11:30 at night. That would be ridiculous. I could never do that.

We ended up in a donut shop. We grabbed a donut then I had to use the bathroom. There was a gas station next door so we walked over to it. As we were walking toward it, a car pulls up with a guy and a girl in the vehicle. The girl gets out of the car and runs into the gas station. I walk in right behind her. She runs up the attendant slips him something, which he slips her something in return, and then she runs back out into the car. I could have sworn that it was sort of drug or drug paraphernalia, but I decided not to say anything for the time being. I walked up to the cashier and asked if I could use the bathroom. He replied rudely with a, "Not for you!" And I was appalled, because he was a complete jerk. I was about to turn around and leave until my roommate butted in and said "How about we buy something?" He said, "Ok, then you can use the bathroom." I'm sure his rudeness had something to do with us walking in on his "drug deal."

We walk outside and I ask my roommate, "was there anything strange about that whole incident?" And she said no. So I told her about what I thought I saw, and she thinks it is strange how the girl just runs in there and then leaves after slipping the cashier something in her hand. So she starts freaking out, because both of us were witnesses to a drug deal. We both decide to leave asap because it was almost midnight by this point and that whole incident was freaky.

Truly a really random incident.

My How the Times Fly by....

I would just like to point out that I have made some form of progress since my last utterly depressing post. I am taking that first step that I need, and hopefully finding some piece of mind. Until then, I know the path will be rigorous, and it is something that I must deal with under my own terms. Let us hope that things do not go astray.

Onto a different tangent....I registered for spring quarter already. My last quarter before senior year....My classes are listed as follows:

Anthro 148A-Comparative Ethnicities
Film 101T-History of Television
Film 163-Women and Film

My one concern for spring quarter is the fact that I will be missing about a week and a half of school toward the end of the quarter because of my family trip to Peru. I am of course ridiculously excited about this trip, but I have not talked to my professors about missing class. I know that I should not have a problem with 101T because I have 4 other friends taking the class, and I am really close to the professor that teaches 163 who already said it should not be a problem. Hopefully it will work out and not completely screw up my gpa.

I also realized that after spring quarter, I only need 10 more classes to graduate....That is absolutely terrifying to me. This could potentially mean that I can finish a quarter or two earlier. I am definitely going to take the first session of summer school, but I'm not too sure about the second. If I do both, this also cuts down on my time at UCSB. I am considering finishing early and just spending the rest of my time at UCSB working and starting to study hardcore for the LSATs. I think it would be better this way just because I would save much money on tuition, and since I can't end my lease, I might as well stay and make money.

I cannot believe that I am going to graduate so soon......It scares me quite frankly. I am still unsure about my path in life, and knowing that it is a measly 10 classes after this year does not make it any better.....

Internal Strife and its' Misery

I really do not know what is wrong with me as of late. I let my emotions get too much out of me. I let my mind take over, and I let it over analyze everything way too easily. I can honestly say that it is easily affecting my performance in school lately as well as everything else. Even more so, I really do not know the root of it. I have a vague idea, but then again, it is ambiguous. Could the root be deeper than I imagine? Probably so. Many of my problems have deep roots that I have yet still to uncover. I have never been very open with much of them, and that is probably half of the struggle. I have anger issues, I have emotional issues, I have family issues, I have expression issues, I have social issues, I have relationships issues. Then again, who doesn't? Maybe I place far to emphasis on my problems than more people care to think. Maybe I'm just too OCD for my own good. I really do not know. My desire to solve it creates my madness.

I do know that I should find a cure for this before I drive myself insane. I've always considered seeing a therapist but never wanted to for fear of seeming "weak." But really, how is that weak? Maybe now is the time for me to take advantage of situation, and do so. In the long run it could be beneficial. I have a hard time expressing how I truly feel because I do not want other people to have sympathy for me or to see me as being weak. I hate showing my true emotions. Half of the time I'm either angry or too damn depressed deep inside, but on the outside, I'm the same as ever. Maybe thats why I let out small anger filled quips every once in awhile. Maybe thats why I can't control my expressions to other people and I end up seeming a little bit over the top.

I try so hard to control it, but I really can't. This ends up affecting my relationships with other people. I tend to be socially awkward in this respect. I desire respect from my peers, I crave it, and when I want it, I screw it up. It sounds like a classic scenario, and it truly does apply to me. Past situations made me this way, and I have this undeniable fear of being rejected. Rejection is the ultimate low for me, and I mean ultimate. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and yet I always feel that I will be because of how it backfires on me. I depend too much on others to be my support, and yet I don't feel like I give enough back for them to support me back. This has happened way too many times in my life for me to count, and I don't think that I could bear it to happen again.

What is wrong with me? I've been over the top, and I can't explain it. My mind is a struggle right now and I'm trying to keep it sane, but it is extraordinarily difficult with all that is going on.....

Twistin and a Turnin

Life has been rather hectic. I really do not know how to describe my emotions except that I have been feeling rather unemotional, empty, and god knows what else. Maybe the stresses of this quarter are already getting to me. I feel like being back in the sorority is a great thing, but at the same time, the constant events and the lack of free time is officially starting to slap me in the face. I have always hated winter quarter, and really this is of no difference. Even so early on, I feel like I'm going to fail all my classes. I probably won't, but I just have this knot in my stomach. As always, I am yet again over analyzing and stressing over life, existence, and everything in between. I like to stress about little things and build it up to big things, which is so unnecessary, but completely unavoidable in my mind.

I really do not know what to feel. If anything, I would think that my current state can be described as being a zombie. I am a mindless drone, without any form of indentifiable emotion, doing everything that I can, and hating it all at the same time. Honestly, all I want to do is sleep. If god had pity, he would put me in a coma right now. I would enjoy that. Maybe if I was in a coma for a month it would make up for my years of sleep deprivation. If only.

Lastly, Heath Ledger's passing is truly a tragedy. I saw him as a rising star with only greatness to come forth. What angers me more is the fact that after his death, people have the guts to trash him for one singular role. Ok, he was in Brokeback Mountain, and he played a gay cowboy. No need to bag him for that role. My specific example is John Gibson of Fox News. His ignorance is so infuriating. He pretty much slams Ledger as well as homosexuals everywhere, and yet Fox has the balls to still keep him talking. Gibson should be fired for his atrocious statements, or at least be told to shut the fuck up.

Down the Shithole....

I read this online today, and this is why the music industry is going down the shithole...I'm sure everyone knows that retarded song "Soulja Boy." The song in itself is the epitome of everything that is WRONG with the music industry and why it is heading into a continual spiral down the drain.

Apparently...Soulja Boy has become the largest digital single of all time!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!?!?! 3 million LEGAL downloads. What idiots want to download that piece of crap of a song? I could have pieced together a song way better than that in a manner of minutes. I hope Soulja Boy gets hit by a car. People like him should not be in the music industry.

Really though, I can't even blame Soulja Boy. He is just trying to make a living, granted, he is making millions off of a dumb song so I guess I can pin that onto him. I have to blame the mindless idiots who listen to this crap. First of all, do music listeners even have a mind now a days? They think something is catchy and then they listen to it repeatively because it is trendy. It is the "it" song of the moment. I went to a party during summer school at SB. I decided not to go in because the apartment was crowded, so I stood outside. As I was watching the crowds walk by, some idiot plays the stupid Soulja Boy song. A huge group of white kids, and I mean the whitest possible kids you can imagine, start doing the apparent "dance" to the song on the streets!! It was absolutely hilarious yet completely ridiculous at the same time. THESE are the people that make the music industry suck. THESE are the people that have no sense whatsoever.

Next time you listen to a song, pay attention to the lyrics. Pay attention to its' composition. Apparently most of America does not know how to.

The Revitalization

I'm back. I have not used blogger in god knows how long. I have been using xanga until quite recently. Xanga is officially over and done with, and after four years of using that, I think its about time I retired. These things do get boring after awhile, but until then, I will try to update as much as I can.

My life is boringly busy. I have a more than 12 hour schedule from Monday-Thursday, but thank god I have Friday to breath. I prefer life this way over doing absolutely nothing, but at the same time, it is rather stressful.

This year should be fun though. A very big traveling year for me. I hope to take full advantage of it.

Not much to say for now, but more to come later.

So Here it Goes Again

What is this? I'm back to Blogger!! HA! Not really. Just bored.