Hello world...

Why hello blogger. Last we spoke, it was the beginning of the new year. It's almost half way through the year now which almost boggles my mind.

I must admit things could be worse. Things could also be better, but in reality, they're pretty damn good. I really should not be complaining.

I got into grad school in which I will be starting the day after my birthday. I got into quite the accredited university which I am elated about. It was the only school I applied to as well, so had I not gotten in, that would have been a different story.

Other than that, I am a massive bum until I start school. I am currently jobless looking for a part timer to tide me over. So if anyone knows anything... Please feel free to let me know.

And this is my update to the world.

Please don't let me down...

As my title to this post states, it is rather obvious what I am referring too... Well first and foremost, the title of my post is actually lyrics to a new song that one of my favorite bands just posted recently. Frankly, I can't get enough of the new song, and it's been playing on repeat.

But I digress.... My last post was prior to the new year and thus much could have happened between then and now. Alas this is not necessarily the case, but some changes have been made. My ship has sailed from my prior job and I am now moving to a new one. I have good feelings about this, yet part of me knows how fragile my state of mind is, and thus perhaps this idea known as hope is futile. One of my favorite movies, as cheesy as it is, would always state that hope is the best of things. Hell, in fact, it was the central motif of the whole film. Regardless I have learned from experience that hope perhaps is not the best of things when one hopes way too much. Now I sound like a debbie downer, but I'd rather be pleasantly surprised than all together crushed.

I am hoping that this new year brings me lots of new joys. I think I deserve it. My last couple of years have failed me as such and perhaps karma is going to stay positive on my end this year. What can I hope for other than that? I guess that's a fine balance between not being too hopeful and not being too pessimistic. We shall see now shall we??

Ripples

A feeling of restlessness... Perhaps created?? Perhaps intrinsic?? Everyday a dull hum in my continual cycle of monotony...

Understanding more and more what life is... Monotony after monotony... Cyclical and mundane... Maybe I'm becoming a Nihilist... Maybe I'm just a realist... Maybe this is what it is, and life is finally settling into what it is supposed to be. Somehow I doubt that though. Somehow I find it hard to swallow. When one emanates ambition and a willingness for success, one must somehow achieve said goal. Perhaps this is reality and I have been living in a dream all along. Perhaps...


Regardless, this I know for sure, a change is a necessity in order to cure myself from my so called cabin fever.

As the wheels churn...

My proclamation is simple and that is to work on me for me... I believe I stated this in my last post as I was losing track of what it is to be and how to truly define myself. I was putting myself in others when in reality I needed to control self. Truly I am a people person, and seemingly so, one of my biggest fears is being alone.

Alas I have been working on self as of late and trying not to focus on others. This in itself can be quite a task coming from me. New people are coming into my life and for that I am truly blessed. People that I can foresee a wonderful future with. Yet it makes me digress from my main objective on achieving my own personal goals.

I need to get out of the hole that I have currently placed myself in. I blame it on karma, on the universe, and everything else but myself when in reality, I have myself to blame as well. This is my time. Stop this sluggard approach and get on it.

A Cliche

I am first and foremost whole heartedly against cliches and silly sayings, but perhaps in this case, the phrase "everything happens for a reason" happens to ring true.

My life was not in the direction I wanted to go. As of now, it isn't either, but at least I am willing to progress and move on. I have a better understanding of self than I have ever known before. Well... At least how I believe it to be....

I know what path I should follow in order to create the happiness that I ultimately need/want for myself. All in all, bliss comes first when one is happy with oneself first. It may sound selfish, but how can one please others when one is not satisfied with self?

I am still scarred... I am still hurt... But more than ever, this scar has allowed me to move on and march forward. From now on, I drum to my own beat. Maybe then I will know what true happiness is and satisfaction of self. For now, I can only make the decisions that will lead me to that point.

Numb

If this is heart break then it could quite possibly be the worst feeling that I have ever encountered... It could have ended worse... It could have been better... But alas, I only feel the stabbing pain of it... I hope and wish for the best.. But that in itself is to be determined...

Torn

I am torn between what my heart tells me and what my logic tells me. Perhaps it isn't a question of mind over heart but simply a matter of what is the best for me and what isn't. Should I continue or should I stop? Will my continual addiction feed my eventual demise? Will I end up broken in the end?

Suffice to say, far too much has occurred and thus pain is inevitable, but hopefully it will scar less than how it shall feel. I know this much...

A halt

Often I would wonder about my consequences and my destiny... For the past couple of years I often complained about my tragedies... I believed that my tragedies always seemed to circumvent and over power my blessings. In reality, this would be the exact opposite effect. For, my blessings have created the strong person I am today. Circumstances may not have occurred the way I have imagined it which has ultimately me a more disgruntled person, but alas, what am I to do but to accept them from what they are. I am still alive, I am still breathing, my gifts far outweigh my shortcomings and yet here I am....

I am blessed. I am loved. I have been graced with more than I could possibly imagine. Perhaps it is selfish to wish for more. To wish for more in a different sense, but perhaps I have not reached my full capacity... Until then, I await....

Somehow I wonder

Sometimes I wonder what is my purpose... Am I finding my worth? Am I finding my calling? Am I on the right path?

It seems that bittersweet destiny likes to make a folly of me. For I question and I question, I try and I try, yet there is never an answer. Perhaps this is life, perhaps this is the cruel sweet truth of destiny. Perhaps I am in the wrong. Or maybe, it's as simple as it sounds.. It just is... Why even question??

It seems I am getting my priorities all tied up. What should be the most important has somehow fallen in place. This needs to be recuperated. This needs to be fixed. For I am my own worst enemy, and I alone am the only one that can change that.

Your presence, becomes a sense of solace in my delirium
An essence of ever calming nectar to my weary ridden soul

Exploring the Infinite Depths...

Ahh here I lie in a comatose state.... Exploring... Defining... Searching...

Looking through my inner soul, the darkest depths, the smallest crevices, and trying to find what lies hidden. A paradigm needs to be solved, a paradox waiting to be found. Soul searching could be the term... A quest to find myself could be the other... I shall continue this search from high to low, from the infinite to the beyond... I shall not waste any time...


Much is to be pondered... Much is to be wondered... Much is a quandary... Much is a riddle....

Will I succeed? Only time shall tell....

The Hunger

Funny how life works its' magic... I must admit, 2010, will be an interesting year. An interesting year indeed...

I must admit, I yearn, and I want. I want something that seems so unattainable, but yet I cannot stop thinking about it. I like to think of it as a hunger of sorts. The hunger of wanting something so badly yet you know your chances are slim to none.

I want this so bad I will do almost anything... Almost.....

Come good tidings, I await thee in this time of new ventures

Hello there blog, long time no see! I hope you are well, for I am ok, I could be better. Yet again, I shall not complain because "ok" is better than bad. I should be thankful for what has been given to me versus greedy for what I do not have that I want. Now I digress... The real point of this post is discuss the situation at hand. It is coming close, almost a year that I have graduated and boy is it strange going this long without any sort of proper academic schooling. I must admit, I imagined things to be a tid bit different... Who am I kidding.. I imagined it to be much different from the way it is right now.

Yet again, who am I to comment on the path that I have chosen.. It was made for me. It was designed for me. I can change it instantaneously with my choices, but then again, how would I ever know what is to happen next? I can't help the forces that create us, that manage us, that choose the life that we make of ourselves. One thing I know for a fact is that I am in a bump in my life to say the least. Most likely it is because I have placed too much of a higher expectation of myself. I am a dreamer, what can I say. I can't stop being a dreamer. My overactive imagination has created these goals and impressions of myself that I currently cannot fulfill. Or perhaps that is my belief that I cannot fulfill said goal?? I do not know. One thing is for sure, I do lack the motivation to do so. I find it so hard to gather the strength to do anything that could further my career anymore. It is almost as if I have given up and I accept my position in life. I am stuck in my rut, and apparently there is nothing I could do about it.

I know these beliefs are all false. There is plenty I can do. The question is, how do I change this viewpoint of myself? My persona has lost it's will. I have almost lost my will to fight being stuck in this gaping rut for so long. I'm trapped in my own prison, my mind, my environment, and everything in between. Perhaps I just got to start worrying about myself... They say worry brings about action. I have been rather stressed lately about this issue. It obviously isn't a good feeling to always be worried, anxious, and stressed about your life.

Maybe it's because I aim too high in my life. Too high for the current economy, the current times, the current state I am. Maybe my dreams are just way too unrealistic for the time being. This is also a plausibility. I am not saying that I should abandon my dreams and give up all hope, but just take it one step at a time to finally achieve what I've always dreamed for. I'm not going to get a free hand-out and get everything I want with a snap of a finger. The sooner I realize this, the sooner I'll be better... Baby steps... That's all it takes... And now for step 1....

Forsaken!! Oh Forsaken!!

I was told about the confusion, the dilemma, so to speak, when you're out of school. You're clueless, what do you do? Your whole life was simple, now it's just so complicated, a paradigm if you will. Well, I believed it. I was told what would happen, but I was just unsure of what exactly would happen to me. Every experience is different as one would say, but what am I to expect? They throw you out with nothing. No one. Nothing, silence, ambiguity. I sit. I wait. I take the little that I have learned and try to apply it to my environment, and alas, I am unsuccessful.

Ahh to be taken back to those days. Those days when everything was almost automatic, a robotic sort of way. Serene. Uncomplicated. Simple. My path was clear and it was straight. Someone was always holding my hand, and guiding me to my destination. Now they have let go. I am on my own. My own wake within the fold. Still I stand, just staring. All these questions I have. All these complexities that I ask myself. I thought I knew, but doesn't everyone? So many different roads for me to take, so to speak, yet none offer one clear path. I sit down, shaking. Unable to commit, unable to make a decision. I question which is the right path, but is there even one?

My mind, a paradox, my feelings, are often in disarray. So I contemplate, and I contemplate some more. It does a body good so to speak or does it leave it lost in the woods. My commitment lacks. My disappointment in myself grows. Why can't I set myself on the right path? Why can't I push myself as much as I did before? Perhaps I've lost my fire. Perhaps I've lost my faith. Perhaps, just perhaps, I'm asking for guidance. Though none is apparent. Maybe, just maybe, I need to find this one on my own...

A favor perhaps?

I need a life.

Can someone give me one?


The end.

N/A

It's a strange incessant feeling. One that doesn't seem to make any sense. It ticks away at me like a clock, always working its' way out. How can I stop it? No I do not know. I know how to make it feel better, but the more I think about it, I push myself away. I am straying myself away from sanity. I am falling deeper and deeper into a hole. I would like to seek the help of others. Yet I cannot bring myself to do so. I desire to make things better, to have it make sense again. But what do I do but screw it up. Only to worsen it more than ever. I have let so many down. So many of those the peers that I respect the most. I cannot even bring myself to say a simple "sorry." An apology straight from the heart. I might be a monster, I might be inconsiderate. In the end, we're all human aren't we? Our fallacies are just another trait that makes us what we are. This is so ambiguous that it beats me down so. I wish I could muster up the courage to do what my heart tells me so. Alas, I am a coward, and forever a coward I shall remain.

The Ambiguity of it all

I guess I haven't posted in a bit, at least for me. I've had an interesting time in the past few months. As school winded down, I dealt with a little bit of a love interest, some drama, and just worry for my life as a post grad. I guess as it all culminated, my confidence took the best of me, and I didn't feel that finding a job would be that difficult for me. Well, my confidence is slapping me in the face, and I, well I, truly do deserve it.

Exploring the Downward Spiral

This does not just apply to me, but to everyone, especially the people graduating this year like me. It sucks...Truly it does. We're graduating in one of the worst years possible. How are we to find a job in an economic situation like this? I know that I've already had a rough time. I'm done in about a month and a half and I'm scared already. If only I had graduated a year earlier, or two, I would be in a mess, but not so much of a mess. I have already applied to some positions in some large tv/film corporations, but so far, no responses, except for one which automatically rejected me. My first job rejection. I guess you can count that as a momentous occasion for me. At least in the most despondent of ways. What do I expect though? Everyone is cutting back on jobs and hours. Everyone is scared. It's not even our country either. Everyone is suffering around the world. The corporate pigs that feed off of us are only getting richer, while the lower classes just suffer more. Degrees do not even matter anymore. What's the point? Everyone is fighting for position A because they need the money, and everyone has the same amount of experience as well as education as everyone else. Position A will be filled by Joe Schmo from god knows where, and you'll be left there with nothing. Keep searching I suppose. Giving up is never an option, especially when your futue depends on it.

I on the other hand, would really like to do the peace corps. Unfortunately I know that since many people are feeling the beating hands of the economy, they are going to try to do the same thing as me. My reason for wanting to do the peace corps is not because of the financial crises that we are currently facing, rather, it is for my own improvement and my dedication to doing something better for this world. I would love to work in Africa. Africa is such a beautiful place with wonderful people and blossoming cultures. I have never been there, but I study Africa and I am so infatuated with it. My dream would be to live with a tribe for a year or two, study them, and make a documentary. Let's hope. The peace corp application is quite ridiculous though. I still need about one and a half to two years of experience. Once submitted, the application goes through another six to nine month process and then you find out. This means, it could be up to three years or three and a half. I think it would be worth it. Perhaps I'll find a job (if I can even get any) and do the work I need to do while at that job.

I feel sorry for Obama. Sorry for any president at this moment in time. We place high hopes on him. We would have placed high hopes on anyone that is elected. Yet, if he does not fulfill that, it will all go down. This idea is stupid to me. How could one place so much hope in one man when it is impossible for one man to accomplish the paradigm of our generation? The worst economic slump in decades. What is he to do? As an icon for our country, he is the one that suffers the most. He is the one that is blamed for everything. I am not saying that I dislike Obama or anything for that matter. I place my hope in him as well, but I cannot say that I believe that he can be the miracle worker that he so claims as well as the rest of the believers. It will not magically disappear, rather it will take years of hard work, dedication, and somebody who has many ideas to fix our current conundrum.

The question is. Who has the great idea? The stimulus to fix us. I know I'm not the one, but it would be nice to be known as the savior.

And yet it always returns...

This ideology of faith in humanity no longer exists in my world. What is this idea of what is humane anyway? I'm tired of many things. I don't know how to go about anything anymore. Perhaps this idea of going into the real world is finally scaring me.

The Year of Change, I hope

This past year has sort of been a landslide for me. It has had its' ups and downs. More of a wave if anything, but with extremes rather than anything that is in between. This past year was one of the most challenging years that I have ever had to face, and yet I was able to get through it. That says much about how much I have changed. Maybe in positive ways, maybe in negative, but I have some optimism, and I like to think positive. My perspective is so much different than what it used to be, and I am so grateful for that.

The biggest thing that I am grateful for is my family. I am and will continue to be extremely close to my family. Due to the fact that this past year was a complete and utter challenge for me, I came to them for help. They are always here for me, and for that, I will always love them. It isn't just my immediate family either, it is my cousins, my aunts, and my uncles. The only thing that I wish is that I could have the same sort of bond with my family on my father's side. I guess it is a little bit hard considering that they live all over the place. I have become more and more close to my mother. She even agrees as well. She told me that becoming Buddhist has changed me for the better, and I would have to agree with her on that. Hell, I even got a tattoo on my forearm to remind me of the challenges that I faced and how I overcame them.

On the other hand, I feel that I am becoming more and more of a recluse. I do not feel the urge to hang out with my friends that I normally hang out with, and yet, I feel guilty at the same time. This is my last opportunity to be able to act like a college student and just have fun without all the responsibility of an "adult." Yet I have not been able to take advantage of it. Instead, I sit at home, all by myself, and attempt to entertain myself through immersion in a fake world of movies and television. Why do I do this? I want to hang out with these people, and yet something is holding me back. I'm not quite sure what it is. Maybe I should just force myself. Maybe I should give myself an excuse to go hang out with them. But this is a reciprocal relationship. They have not made the effort to contact me, so why even bother? I could be the bigger person though and attempt. My friendships with these people as well as the people back home have been questioned through trials and tribulations this past year. Maybe we are just in different points in our life that it is hard for me to associate with them anymore. I need to find someone that is different. Someone that I can feel comfortable with and that is at the same level that I am.

In addition to all of this, this new year has brought upon me new anxieties that I must cope with. A job. Finding a job in this economic crises has become a difficult task. I am trying my best to find one, and yet I find myself more depressed by the day about it. A good friend of mine warned me that when you are getting close to graduating or when you graduate you go through a depressive state because you don't know what to do. I wouldn't say that I didn't know what to do, in fact, I know exactly what I want to do, but how do I get up there? I guess I need to climb the corporate ladder, or in this case the hollywood/entertainment ladder. How do I go about this? I know I start from the bottom, but what jobs do I take? Maybe I should move somewhere else and start fresh. Yet, I know that it could be a incredibly difficult task given that I will be a poor college student when I graduate. I guess I just want to know my future, but again, this ambiguity is driving me crazy.