Internal Strife and its' Misery

I really do not know what is wrong with me as of late. I let my emotions get too much out of me. I let my mind take over, and I let it over analyze everything way too easily. I can honestly say that it is easily affecting my performance in school lately as well as everything else. Even more so, I really do not know the root of it. I have a vague idea, but then again, it is ambiguous. Could the root be deeper than I imagine? Probably so. Many of my problems have deep roots that I have yet still to uncover. I have never been very open with much of them, and that is probably half of the struggle. I have anger issues, I have emotional issues, I have family issues, I have expression issues, I have social issues, I have relationships issues. Then again, who doesn't? Maybe I place far to emphasis on my problems than more people care to think. Maybe I'm just too OCD for my own good. I really do not know. My desire to solve it creates my madness.

I do know that I should find a cure for this before I drive myself insane. I've always considered seeing a therapist but never wanted to for fear of seeming "weak." But really, how is that weak? Maybe now is the time for me to take advantage of situation, and do so. In the long run it could be beneficial. I have a hard time expressing how I truly feel because I do not want other people to have sympathy for me or to see me as being weak. I hate showing my true emotions. Half of the time I'm either angry or too damn depressed deep inside, but on the outside, I'm the same as ever. Maybe thats why I let out small anger filled quips every once in awhile. Maybe thats why I can't control my expressions to other people and I end up seeming a little bit over the top.

I try so hard to control it, but I really can't. This ends up affecting my relationships with other people. I tend to be socially awkward in this respect. I desire respect from my peers, I crave it, and when I want it, I screw it up. It sounds like a classic scenario, and it truly does apply to me. Past situations made me this way, and I have this undeniable fear of being rejected. Rejection is the ultimate low for me, and I mean ultimate. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and yet I always feel that I will be because of how it backfires on me. I depend too much on others to be my support, and yet I don't feel like I give enough back for them to support me back. This has happened way too many times in my life for me to count, and I don't think that I could bear it to happen again.

What is wrong with me? I've been over the top, and I can't explain it. My mind is a struggle right now and I'm trying to keep it sane, but it is extraordinarily difficult with all that is going on.....

Twistin and a Turnin

Life has been rather hectic. I really do not know how to describe my emotions except that I have been feeling rather unemotional, empty, and god knows what else. Maybe the stresses of this quarter are already getting to me. I feel like being back in the sorority is a great thing, but at the same time, the constant events and the lack of free time is officially starting to slap me in the face. I have always hated winter quarter, and really this is of no difference. Even so early on, I feel like I'm going to fail all my classes. I probably won't, but I just have this knot in my stomach. As always, I am yet again over analyzing and stressing over life, existence, and everything in between. I like to stress about little things and build it up to big things, which is so unnecessary, but completely unavoidable in my mind.

I really do not know what to feel. If anything, I would think that my current state can be described as being a zombie. I am a mindless drone, without any form of indentifiable emotion, doing everything that I can, and hating it all at the same time. Honestly, all I want to do is sleep. If god had pity, he would put me in a coma right now. I would enjoy that. Maybe if I was in a coma for a month it would make up for my years of sleep deprivation. If only.

Lastly, Heath Ledger's passing is truly a tragedy. I saw him as a rising star with only greatness to come forth. What angers me more is the fact that after his death, people have the guts to trash him for one singular role. Ok, he was in Brokeback Mountain, and he played a gay cowboy. No need to bag him for that role. My specific example is John Gibson of Fox News. His ignorance is so infuriating. He pretty much slams Ledger as well as homosexuals everywhere, and yet Fox has the balls to still keep him talking. Gibson should be fired for his atrocious statements, or at least be told to shut the fuck up.

Down the Shithole....

I read this online today, and this is why the music industry is going down the shithole...I'm sure everyone knows that retarded song "Soulja Boy." The song in itself is the epitome of everything that is WRONG with the music industry and why it is heading into a continual spiral down the drain.

Apparently...Soulja Boy has become the largest digital single of all time!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!?!?! 3 million LEGAL downloads. What idiots want to download that piece of crap of a song? I could have pieced together a song way better than that in a manner of minutes. I hope Soulja Boy gets hit by a car. People like him should not be in the music industry.

Really though, I can't even blame Soulja Boy. He is just trying to make a living, granted, he is making millions off of a dumb song so I guess I can pin that onto him. I have to blame the mindless idiots who listen to this crap. First of all, do music listeners even have a mind now a days? They think something is catchy and then they listen to it repeatively because it is trendy. It is the "it" song of the moment. I went to a party during summer school at SB. I decided not to go in because the apartment was crowded, so I stood outside. As I was watching the crowds walk by, some idiot plays the stupid Soulja Boy song. A huge group of white kids, and I mean the whitest possible kids you can imagine, start doing the apparent "dance" to the song on the streets!! It was absolutely hilarious yet completely ridiculous at the same time. THESE are the people that make the music industry suck. THESE are the people that have no sense whatsoever.

Next time you listen to a song, pay attention to the lyrics. Pay attention to its' composition. Apparently most of America does not know how to.

The Revitalization

I'm back. I have not used blogger in god knows how long. I have been using xanga until quite recently. Xanga is officially over and done with, and after four years of using that, I think its about time I retired. These things do get boring after awhile, but until then, I will try to update as much as I can.

My life is boringly busy. I have a more than 12 hour schedule from Monday-Thursday, but thank god I have Friday to breath. I prefer life this way over doing absolutely nothing, but at the same time, it is rather stressful.

This year should be fun though. A very big traveling year for me. I hope to take full advantage of it.

Not much to say for now, but more to come later.