Let go

I have a problem... I tend to hold onto people so tightly that it becomes hard for me to let go when the time has come... Space is needed most definitely, yet I can't admit to myself that maybe just maybe, I need that space to get better. Instead, I try to cling even closer. I try to hold onto something that is all but gone. Maybe it's the sense that I finally found something that I could possibly keep.. There is no for sure way of knowing, but I guess I have that gut feeling that something there is right. To me, there was the chemistry, there was the personality, there was the intellect, and of course the mutual attraction to each other. It should be simple right? If it works on both ends, then you go forth, full steam ahead. I guess love is complicated like that. Relationships are never easy and even though there should be everything there to make it work, there almost always is some sort of issue or problem at hand. In my case, it had to do with timing. Timing sure is a bitch and maybe there is a future. However, is that something that I should wish for? Of course not. Secretly, and in a way not so secretly, I harbor that idea in my mind. I wish for it, I hope for it, but my impatience has been showing its' ugly head. I constantly look at my phone waiting for a text, waiting for a call, just a sign that I'm still being thought of. It is very mentally and physically draining, and I tell myself I need to stop, yet I can't make myself stop. My mind constantly whirling has made me become a victim of myself... I do this constantly. I do it incessantly and yet I'm tired of it. Can't I just let it go and let it be? Let destiny and whatever that stuff is work its' magic? Seemingly not.

Funny isn't it?

My last post, I had all these expectations for myself. Suffice to say, I would say that so far, none of them have lived up to what I have expected... Well maybe all except one... But only because it has not happened yet and will not until I'm done with my masters program.. My relationship... Well that crumbled... I'm still in limbo with the status of whether or not friendship can exist or not. I'm assuming friendship will exist because I want it to. This person still matters to me, and I still care and love them. Perhaps only in a platonic matter now, but even then it's questionable... This person has recently reached out to me, which honestly had me freaked out. However, now I think I'm fine with it. If this person wanted to get back together, I know it would be a horrible idea, and that I should say no... Yet part of me knows that I lack the strength and wish for something that I once had... No, I must be strong. I must be true to myself. I know the consequences, and yet somehow I'm willing to face them. Actions speak louder than words perhaps, so maybe I should just await to see what happens.

My exercise regiment has not even fully begin... I think I'm recently starting to get back into it. I feel good about it, but the question is will I be adamant about doing it? My laziness often supersedes my ability to actually be active... It's sad really... I look at myself now, and wonder what happened? I used to be in shape, and now I'm just a blob, ready to be molded. However, my friend did introduce me to a new workout regiment that I am honestly quite fond of. Perhaps this time it shall work out. Yet my pessimism starts to kick in, and I wonder if it really will....

School on the other hand has been rather lackluster. I lack the drive that I once had during fall semester. Maybe it's because now I know how classes work, and I'm not freaked out anymore. I know now how to handle my classes at bare minimum and still do rather decently. Well, at least in my opinion. I think the only thing I care about is my thesis film and getting that completed. In a program that is heavily focused on that, how could I care about anything else besides that? I need to work on it badly though. I need to get my focus back together. What can I do to get me back? What can I do to get the fervor I once had back? It constantly haunts me.... Yet wondering probably will do no good....

New Years?

Blogger world... I have ignored you far too long and have thus decided to at least post something... Really though, it doesn't matter. No one reads this anyway. I'm not popular nor am I interesting, therefore this has become an online journal of sorts for me. I guess that's what a blogger is?

So 2011... I guess it's been a decent year. No real big ups or downs. It just existed... I would say one big highlight would be getting in to grad school. Grad school is arduous and stress inducing but as a whole, I kind of like it. I complain all the time about my work load and yet now that I'm on break, I want to be back in the grind of it all. Another highlight would be that I'm in a relationship with a pretty awesome person. That's really all there is to it.

So 2012... The year we apparently die... Well if the world doesn't end at the end of 2012, I hope to have a steady job that provides a steady income. Ideally, I'd hope to be doing something that I really enjoy. Most importantly, I hope to be out of my household and living on my own. Well I guess that requires a steady income first doesn't it? I hope that my relationship stays strong and that we stay together. Hopefully our bond just grows stronger. Lastly, I need to get in shape... Badly. I can't emphasize that fact enough. So my last resolution is simply to exercise, lose weight, and get in shape!!

That is all... 

Oh you know...

How to describe you life?? I find it rather cyclical, rather stressful, rather dull, yet rather invigorating. Contradictory?? Always, but isn't that how life really is?

I've been in school. I must admit, grad school is pretty crazy. Sometimes I wish I could just drop it all, scream "screw this," and go on my merry way, but we all know that this is an implausible concept. In reality though, I guess I am kept grounded by those around me. Those that also suffer as I do with the amount of work that I am given. Those that are also my support my group.

In reality though, this is merely just a speck in my existence. Just a single second of my life time, and yet I constantly wonder when it is going to end. Perhaps sometime soon, in hindsight, I'd really appreciate it.

Progressive Frustration

It progresses well so to speak, but behind the veil, lies a deep frustration...

Yes, it is primordial in nature. Yes, it is a craving. Can it be fulfilled? Perhaps when the time and opportunity is right.

At first glance, I thought there was something. Perhaps my intuitions were wrong as they always seem to be. Misleading... At least by appearance and action... Therefore I wait for the right moment.

Until then.. I take it day by day..

Seemingly so..

So I'm an asshole. I'm a selfish douchebag whom has no consideration for others. Is there an AA around here? That is an Assholes Anonymous?


I've never felt so shattered in my entire life. I need a reinventing. A so called reawakening. I'm not angry. Only angry at myself. How did I end up the way I did? I think in an attempt to protect myself, I lash out at others. I like to play the bad guy but I'm really the good.

I don't even know anymore... Why bother...

A Diatribe of Sorts...

I may be writing this out of boredom, or the fact that I really do want to vent, but I'm going to say that it's more of the former rather than the latter.

Being at home without a job sucks. Being at home without going to school also sucks. In sum, I need something to do with my life or else I feel like I'm withering away into an existence of nothingness. Another problem is my proclivity toward human interaction. I do not like being by myself. In fact, I loathe it. I'll be the first to admit that I constantly crave human attention and interaction. My brain will literally explode from boredom and frustration without it. It also doesn't help that a person that I've been striving for does not seem to require the same amount of attention that I need from them. I guess to each their own. Or perhaps, it was not meant to be. Regardless, this has also caused some frustration and some neurotic thoughts of inferiority. We shall see I suppose...

Of course I have been looking for something to preoccupy my mind, but it is easier said than done. I'm just waiting for school to start at this point. I want to be busy again. I want to feel the stresses of being overwhelmed all the time with too much work. I think that I thrive under those types of situations rather than doing nothing at all. I've tried picking up some hobbies. None of which seemed to stick. I really need to better myself in so many ways, yet I cannot force myself to do so.

I need to be more strict on me. I need to stop making excuses and just go do it. So damnit, why can't I??