What a quandary....

I find myself a mess in someways. I find attachment a hard thing to get past. I was crushed, I was heartbroken, and now things are supposedly fixed, but really are they? My heart tells me to do something about it, yet my rational mind tells me to leave things the way that they are. We settled things and I was fine with the outcome. Really I was...But now I yearn. I feel like I am being teased.

What I want, will I get it? I like him so. His presence gives me butterflies in my stomach. When we hang out, it feels like time just flies by. I don't understand why I feel this way towards a person that has hurt me terribly, and yet I have forgiven him, because he is genuine. I have never been attracted to such a person. Maybe it is because he is torn just like I am. Maybe his fragility is something that I can relate to. Or maybe it is simply that our personalities and interests are very much the same. The one question I ask myself is this, what do I do about it? My heart aches everyday. I wait for his texts, I wait for his call. I wait for a response. I constantly check my cell phone like I'm obsessed. And maybe, just maybe, I am.

Stay rational Audrey...In the end, it will pay off. Don't act on emotion, it will lead you array.

Diving Down the Deep End

Is it just me or is everyday so monotonous? I feel as if there is no change in my life and nothing to look forward too. The tides are not changing, rather they are flowing at a very slow pace. I wish for something different, something to excite me, but it seems that nothing can. Is it my own apathy? Or is it the world that I have created giving me this extreme sense of boredom and uselessness? What to do...

I need an answer. I feel like everything has no purpose or sense. Everything I do in life, will it really make it a difference? Are my ambitions as strong as I believe it to be? Perhaps, or perhaps not. I want to figure this all out. I am trying my hardest to make my life more exciting, but it doesn't appear to be the case. Same shit, different day as they say. I feel like the protagonist in the movie Office Space. Done with everything, done with all of this, in search of something different and new.

There is one thing I want. Something I would like. Something that I want so badly. But wanting won't get me it. I need to search for answers. I thought I was over it, but perhaps I'm not. My heart yearns for more, but I lack the ability to get it. My heart won't stop. It cries for it. What has happened to me? My senses have crumbled, my sensibilities are no longer working properly. I know the correct answer, and yet, I don't want that. I want the other. The wrong. The one that would be rationally wrong to pursue.

I guess all I need to do now is graduate and find a job. But does it really get better? No....I already know that as fact.

A Dirge for Society and a Praise for Inner Beauty

The ultimate conclusion that I have come to realize of all my dissatisfaction is due to my materialistic approach to my life. My wants, my superficial qualities that I can't rid myself of. Alas, this is not ultimately my fault, so to speak. When the media and all around you tells you that you must want this and that to be happy, it is hard to ignore such a loud voice. These ideals are so ingrained in our head, that we can't fully see past it. A wall is thus built in front of us, that allows us to continually believe in such a manifestation that will ultimately lead to unhappiness. We are zombies in a sense, zombies to the media, zombies to the superficiality that we believe will make us happy. What we need is a sense of inner peace. The ability to be able to find inner happiness with ourselves as well as others, because in the end, isn't that what is ultimately going to create a better person within ourselves as well as eternal bliss? I vie for that. We can't help but swallow that which has been hammered down on us for our whole entire lives, and people can't help but do it to us, its' their jobs. They are just following the corporate order and the order that our society has thrust upon us.

I'm not saying do not look for that job, do not buy that purse, or do not get that car. Ultimately what I am trying to say is that, perhaps once, we should look inside ourselves to try to bring happiness from within as well as to the benefit of others. If we help others, doesn't that create a sense of euphoria within ourselves as well as the other person? We still require some materialism in our lives, especially in this modern age. Since we are now too attached to it, it is now too far for us to rid ourselves of it completely. But the problem with this modern age is that society as a whole is much too self centered and selfish to see past it, and see the benefits of inner tranquility as well as helping others. We become too focused on these goals that society has told us we need to accomplish, and thus we never think about what the mind really wants. Does the mind really want all of this? Our human bodies have not changed significantly since our cavemen past. In fact, our bodies are identical to that of the past. With all these changes in technology and modernity, arises more health problems that our bodies are not adapted too. This is why we need to think more about us on the inside. Why make life worse for ourselves?

So I pose this challenge. Look inside ourselves. What do we really want out of life? We can't completely destroy our innermost material desires, but at least we can regulate it. We can see past it somewhat if we really do try. So live your lives. Live it to the fullest, but remember that what society has defined as ultimate bliss and satisfaction may not necessarily be so. I am slowly coming to that realization. My mind was so ingrained in modernity and society as many others still are. Reach out to yourself and others, and maybe then, you can find that inner peace and tranquility that everyone as well as yourself desires.

What it is...

When you wish for something and want it so bad, it never works out. God teases you for a little bit and then he throws it down the drain.

That's how I feel my life is. That's how it's always going to be and it's never going to change.....